25/07/2025
6 Clever Strategies to Get Kids to Listen Without Raising Your Voice
By Jeannette Moninger Published on December 3, 2024
Reviewed by Charissa Chamorro, PhD
Photo: PARENTS/ GETTY IMAGES
Ever notice how your child's bionic ears pick up every word of your "private" conversations, yet when you really need them to listen it's like they switched off their hearing?
"Between school and home, kids commonly grow tired of paying attention and decide they need to tune out," says Doreen Miller, a parent educator at the Institute for Parenting at Adelphi University, in Garden City, New York.
Even though young children commonly ignore their parents, there are ways to get them to listenby tailoring the way you're delivering the message. Below, experts break down six tips to break your child's seemingly sound-free barrier.
Avoid Information Overload
Children's brains can only process so much. If you hit them with too much information all at once, like saying "Turn off the TV, then go upstairs, get changed, brush your teeth, and comb your hair," they likely won't be able to recall anything past step one or two.
However, if you're too vague and simply say something like, "Get ready for bed," they might skip a couple of steps. Instead, split your request into two parts, suggests Miller. Start with something like, "When Arthur is over, it's time to turn off the TV and get ready for bed." Then, once the TV is off, you can continue by saying, "Okay, honey, putting on your PJ's and brushing your teeth is next. Do you want to skip or hop into the bathroom?"
Be Direct
When you dwell on a topic for too long, your child will tune out. For instance, if you say, "Honey, we're meeting Julius in the park and you'll want to climb at the playground. So you have to change out of your sandals before we leave home," it's unlikely that they'll change into appropriate shoes.
Instead, be concise and make the request up front—you can say, "Honey, put on your sneakers now because we're going to the playground."
Work on Your Delivery
Your child will listen better if you engage with more than just their sense of hearing. Using a combination of a visual approach and a tactile approach can help them focus better on what you're saying. This means maintaining direct eye-contact while placing your hands on their shoulders, says Margret Nickels, PhD, director of the Center for Children and Families at the Erikson Institute, in Chicago.
When Gractia Manning, of Dayton, Ohio, wants to make sure her 6-year-old, Kate, is listening, she'll ask her to repeat what she heard. "In the past, if I said, 'There's no eating in the family room while the babysitter's here.' Kate would say, 'Okay.' Then later—after she'd broken the rule—[she'd] claim that she never heard me say that," explains Manning.
Don't Sound Like a Broken Record
If you feel like you're saying the same things over and over again, stop. Kids can become conditioned to wait to respond until you've said something for the fifth time. "Your words become nothing but background noise," says Dr. Nickels. Besides, your child's teacher doesn't spend all day repeating themselves, so why should you? Your kid will be more inclined to do what's asked of them if they understands that their actions have clear, enforceable consequences. Give them specific instructions no more than twice, and be sure to follow through with appropriate consequences if they don't comply.
For instance, to get your child to pick up their LEGOs you might say, "Please go upstairs and put your LEGO pieces in the blue bin." If they don't listen to you, warn them that they won't be able to play with the LEGOs for the rest of the day if they don't clean up, says Dr. Nickels. If they still blow off your request, take away the LEGOs. On the flip side, acknowledge when they follow directions the first time.
Saying "Thanks for being a good listener" will reinforce your child's desire to pay attention.
Make Listening a Game
Your child spends a significant portion of their day being talked to—and that is likely tiresome for them. Sometimes little ears need to tune in to some fun. Fine-tune your child's listening skills by exposing them to a variety of auditory experiences.
For instance, take a walk together and listen for nature sounds like birds or insects, the wind in the trees, and the crunching of grass. Or groove to kid-friendly tunes and discuss the meaning behind the lyrics.
Give Your Full Attention
You may think that you're able to listen to your child while watching the news or texting your BFF. But what your child sees is that their parent is only half listening. And if you're not paying attention, why should they? "My research shows that children as young as preschool age notice when adults aren't fully engaged in their conversations," says Mary Renck Jalongo, PhD, author of Learning to Listen, Listening to Learn.
Of course, not everything your child has to say is a showstopper. Still, try to focus on one form of communication at a time. That means you can fix dinner while chatting, but you shouldn't watch TV, scour the internet, or send texts while your first-grader tries to tell you about their day. Give them your undivided attention by making eye contact, acknowledging what they're saying, and asking questions. "Kids feel appreciated and valued when you take the time to really listen," says Dr. Jalongo. "Plus they learn to reciprocate."
