Ali Harris Therapy & Co

19/11/2025

Dear People-Pleasers, If you unreservedly give all your love away to others - your time, your energy & your worldly resources - & keep nothing for yourself, you are likely to be left feeling burned out & resentful. You need and deserve better. You are not a genie in a lamp - you do not exist merely to grant others’ wishes!

What needs to change?
Hmmm…

Maybe some of that love you’re giving away needs to be focussed on you? Perhaps before you give to others, before your court their validation and approval, you need to give love to yourself?

That may seem counter-intuitive & unfamiliar - perhaps as a child you got your needs met by anticipating and meeting others’ needs and maybe you never really experienced being loved for yourself, ‘just because’. Perhaps you learned to attach your value to notions of being useful to others?

The problem is that carrying on giving your all to everyone at your own expense will leave you feeling empty, unimportant and taken for granted.

You cannot buy others’ affection by showering them with gifts - physical or emotional. There is no short-cut to creating real relationship. You cannot (and should not,) obligate others to meet your needs by rushing to identify and meet theirs without so much as a ‘by your leave.’

You must not let your fear of not being liked rob you of your internal resources, leaving yourself to run on ‘fumes’.

Real, satisfying, loving relationships require the kind of giving that comes from self-love - they grow within boundaries, self-respect and the capacity to know and meet your own needs first.

Healthy relationships take time to grow and develop. They involve getting to know and understand eachother. They require communication, mutual agreement and reciprocity, all of which must be slowly cultivated. And the terms and conditions under which they function need to be gradually and openly articulated & negotiated.

Thoughtless, impetuous loving leaves you vulnerable to exploitation and emotional impoverishment. Takers will greedily suck up all you offer and give you nothing in return.

‘Your self love must be stronger than your desire to be loved by others.’

Art: As Above Astro

18/11/2025

Feelings come and go - if you let them. They just want to tell you stuff and then they push off. But if you try to avoid them, bury them or ignore them…well, they tend to linger. That’s why paying attention to feelings is a good idea, even…no, ESPECIALLY when they’re sh*tty.

So, if you feel like crying, maybe don’t get hung up on whether or not you “should” be crying - please just weep, and notice how much lighter you feel afterwards.

And if you’re stuck in an obsessional downward spiral, go with it - ride it until it’s tired, then gently ask it questions until you get some answers, and the emotions just melt away like snow in the sun.

Are you angry? Maybe get good and f*cked off then!! Rant, rave, rebel!! Follow the feelings until they take you where you need to go. It’s a wild and scary ride but there’s buried treasure at the end.

Feeling stuck?
Need some help untangling your emotions?
I’m right here.
Drop me a message & let’s see what we can do x

Words: Ali Harris Therapy & Co
Art:

17/11/2025

17/11/2025

17/11/2025

I don’t share testimonials to ‘big myself up’ but to keep repeating a message of hope - lasting change IS possible, and with the right support, you can create it for yourself! Now, I’m not the right therapist for everyone, no therapist is right for everyone.

That’s why I offer a free hour to chat (yep, I still do that!) It’s the relationship between counsellor and client that does most of the ‘heavy lifting’ in therapeutic work.

Training, theoretical orientation (type of counselling,) and experience all matter but ultimately you need to find out if you like my vibe.

I want you to have the opportunity to talk to me BEFORE you splash any cash, so you can find out whether you feel like I’m someone you can really talk to, if you feel understood by me, if you like how I listen and respond, how I think and link with you, hold and contain you in a session.

And if you don’t like it, no harm, no foul - I WANT you to find the right support. It’s totally cool to find that with someone else. I’ll even help you find someone else if you like!

But if you do like the way I work, we could potentially do some truly transformational work together. Of course, YOU’RE the agent of change. I’m just your back up girl. But I’ve been at this a while, I’ve helped a fair few people create their own couture emotional reboot.

It takes time. There are no quick fixes. It can be hard and even painful at times. But you don’t have to do it alone. If you’re game for healing by feeling, I’m here to support you towards feeling better.

So let me know, ok?
You in?

Ali xx

16/11/2025

“Just a note: your boundaries are about you. It’s about what you need in certain situations, relationships, and places. Your boundaries are not about “changing other people” or forcing others to “behave” The hope is that by setting limits & being clear, the other person will want to have a successful relationship with you & will either hear you out and do the thing, or at hear you out and chat with you about it, let you know their boundaries, and find middle ground.

When I see people write things like “but boundaries aren’t going to work with INSERT OVERUSED LABEL HERE” I worry that the idea of boundaries hasn’t been accurately taught.

What they’re actually saying is “this won’t change that person.”And that’s right. But if what you’re trying to do is change people by setting boundaries you’re going to get very frustrated.

Instead, it’s about change within you. If you set the boundary and it’s not respected, then what do you change? Do you change your boundary? Or do you change your relationship to the person.”

Words: lizlistens
Image:

15/11/2025

Knowing when to hang in there and when to walk away is crucial. It’s a dilemma often brought to therapy by clients. Into this brave space clients bring their stay or go questions:

Do I stay in this marriage?
In this job?
With these feelings?
In this addiction?
Can I keep living this way?
Am I allowed to stop? To leave? To start again?

They look at me, as if I can tell them. They want want me to tell them. Of course that’s not my job. The truth is:

YOU already know what you need to do.

Because it’s not really about anything or anyone else. It’s about what its costing you to stay and what it will mean to leave. And once you get that, you realise that you *know* what you have to do.

Of course, just knowing doesn’t make it easy to admit, easy to accept and certainly it doesn’t make it easier to DO.

And THAT is the work we do in therapy.
Not working out what to do but realising WHY you have to do it and working out HOW to justify it to yourself before you have to deal with explaining it to others.

Supporting you to do what you need and want to do, and/or to stop doing what you need and want to stop doing. That’s the focus.

Understanding what’s got you paralysed and why.
Learning how you came to feel so stuck.
Supporting you to feel able to make choices that serve your own best interests.

It’s scary at times. But for 50 minutes, once a week, for as long as you find it useful, we’re in it together. And bit by bit you will build up your courage to do what’s right for you.

To be brave enough to hold on OR brave enough to let go.

If you would like to find out more about how I can help you navigate a crunch point in your life why not book your free chat now via the link in the comments (or via my bio on Instagram.)

Art:

14/11/2025

You are not here to do chores, make OTHER people happy and then die, THAT is not your purpose. But your average person does not seem to have received that memo! If I had a penny for every client of mine that lamented their inability to just ‘get sh*t done’ I’d be VERY wealthy by now.

People seem to naturally normalise their challenges and discount them.

“Yes I have a debilitating chronic illness but I should still be able to..”

“Sure, I have kids with additional needs but that’s no excuse for…”

“Ok, I’m going through an eviscerating divorce but I should still be able to…”

Lordy. How about no?!

Do things still need doing when we’re dealing with difficult people, situations or health conditions - OF COURSE!

But do we need to prioritise productivity over our general wellbeing? Hmmm. I don’t think so. But it doesn’t matter what I think. What do YOU think? And how’s that working for you?

If bullying yourself, running yourself ragged, continually elevating your self-expectations so that you can pretty much only fall short is rocking your world, I’ll shut up. I promise.

But if it’s leaving you sad, depleted, frustrated and desperate - maybe there’s another way?

You could embrace doing less?

Because keeping a spotless house is no substitute for relaxation, connection with self, with family and with friends.

Working a job, parenting and running a side hustle come easily to some people and to others just one of those is more than enough to keep them VERY busy.

If you can’t be one of those ‘doing everything’ people, is it such a loss? What would if mean about you if you could? What does it mean to you if you can’t?’ Where did you learn that your productivity (or its lack) defines you? And is this a concept that fills you up and gives your life meaning?

The bottom line is this - only you know what’s really on your plate. Forget what you think others face and can manage because just don’t know their reality.

Focus on YOUR life. And please remember that ‘it’s ok to do less when you are dealing with more.’

If you’d like some support with this stuff click the link in the comments (or in my IG bio,) and let’s chat.

Love from Ali xx

Art: candidly.carly

13/11/2025

That ‘greener grass’ you see, just out of reach, over there, that ‘better’ thing you could have chosen (but didn’t) - that’s a conceptual illusion generated by FOMO. Please don’t buy into it! Don’t fall for it! Subscribing to the notion that your ideal situation is always in sight - but just out of reach - is not only demoralising and frustrating but it saps your ability to have faith in yourself, and remember that YOU are the agent of change in your own life.

That greener grass doesn’t generally just ‘happen’; it grows under the feet of people who are willing and able to notice and utilise everything they have going for them in any given situation, no matter how bleak. These people do not allow set backs and disadvantages to cut them off from noticing things to be grateful for, reasons to be hopeful, resources they already have (no matter how small,) and opportunities to grow.

The grass is greener wherever you are!!

You don’t have to agonise over trying not to make the ‘wrong decision’ - I mean choose thoughtfully, sure. But you can’t always avoid unexpected, suboptimal outcomes. Don’t let fear paralyse you!

Trust yourself!

And anyway, it’s not about not ever making mistakes it’s about developing the capacity to LEARN from your errors:

What drove me to do that?
Why did I not factor in X?
How could I have said/or done that differently?
What beliefs caused me to see things this way?
Why did I not realise Y when it now seems obvious?
What would I do differently in future?

Your mistakes will FERTILISE the ground on which you stand - lush, green grass CAN be something you just wander onto by chance or luck - but normally it isn’t. Greener grass can also be a state of mind, something you cultivate.

Either way though, YOU are the only person who can bring lasting, positive change to your life, and so wherever you go, THAT’s where your best opportunities are.

Say it with me!!

“The grass is greener wherever I am.”

If you’d like to find out about how to grow your very own greenest grass right where you stand now, I’d love to find out if I might be the right person to support you to do that! Why not book your free chat with me using the link in the comments?

Art: As Above Astro

12/11/2025

The advice “take a deep breath” can sound useless - even patronising or dismissive.. but it actually often REALLY helps! I realised half the reason smoking calmed me down was that it encouraged me to concentrate on taking very slow, intentional breaths. Was I foolishly taking deliberate lung-fulls of poisonous smoke? Sure. That part was crappy and unwise. BUT the deep breaths. WELL. They were actually very soothing! 😆

Deep breaths have saved me from uttering hasty words, which couldn’t be taken back; they’ve helped me calm a racing heart mid-panic; they’ve helped me tolerate the agony of indecision - they’ve helped me to endure the seemingly unendurable BS that life occasionally throws my way. I’m sure you get your share of that cr*p too.

I hope you’re having a bearable day today … and if not I warmly invite you to just focus on the in and out of your breath - regular, deep, energising inhalations… followed by long, slow, full-of-cleansing-release exhalations, letting go of the crap and making room something better - both in your lungs in particular, and in your life in general ###

Art:

11/11/2025

When people push you away are you left wondering what you did ‘wrong?’ Do you worry that rejection by others is evidence that you are just ‘too much?’ Do you find yourself ruminating over the idea that if you’d just done ‘something different’, if you could just BE different, then maybe people would stick around - they might love and accept you?

Perhaps you beat yourself up for your ‘neediness’ and curse yourself for being so weak? You might wish for a ‘do-over’ and obsess over ways you could have handled things ‘better.’

But here’s the thing.
That’s totally understandable.
But it’s also (probably) BULLSH*T!

While it’s always worth reviewing your own behaviour when a relationship breaks down, it’s not necessarily ‘all your fault.’

The right people will not let you slip through their fingers. The right people will hold you. They will love and accept you EXACTLY as you are. They will ENJOY learning about and meeting your needs. They will be WILLING to work towards compromise where needed. They will find your eccentricities charming and your faults endearing (not ALL the time, but on balance, definitely more endearing than not.)

So, painful as it is, being pushed away and rejected is sometimes JUST what you need. It’s people filtering themselves out of your life, winnowing down all the people you need to get through to find YOUR people, the ones who remain joyfully in your sphere and make you feel safe.

So, sad as it is (and it really can feel VERY sad;) let’s also ‘be grateful that you slipped through the fingers of people who had no clue how to hold you.’

Art: haleyincarnate

10/11/2025

It’s IMPOSSIBLE to change other people, & it’s very DIFFICULT to change yourself BUT nevertheless, you have more power than you think & it lies in your ability to be CONSISTENT. Every habit you have, whether you consider it to be a good or a bad one, has been created by doing (or not doing) the same things, over & over again.

The elite athlete became a medal-winner by eating ‘on plan,’ training consistently & getting enough sleep.

The people-pleaser became a sad, frustrated & resentful person with unsatisfying relationships by continually giving more of her time and energy to others than she could afford to.

Repetition builds lives - how you show up in your relationships, in your job, the way you treat you body, the way you behave when no one’s watching - these are the actions that create most of your reality.

Once you realise that, you understand that there is great power in the tiny decisions you make every day, & that every one of them MATTERS.

SO, in therapy we look at your past - the repetitions that shaped you into who you are now - taught you what deserve, what you don’t deserve - what men do, what women do, what family is etc.

We examine how those repetitive notions & experiences have shaped you - the ways you were treated, over and over, the ways you were expected to behave, again and again, and we notice how those impacted you, and brought you to where you are now.

Having gathered all that data about who you are now & HOW you got here, we think about the change you want to create.

How will it look?
How will it FEEL?
How will you know when you’ve got it?

Then we work out what would have to happen for your life to look and feel like that? What would you have to think over and over again? What beliefs would you have to subscribe to and continually depend on to get you there? What actions would you have to KEEP taking to bring you into that change you want?

Your lasting, positive change isn’t some giant, unattainable monolith. It’s like a beach - made up of millions of tiny but important actions, beliefs, thoughts & decisions.

If you want something different you’re going to have to starting CHOOSING differently & the sooner you start, the sooner you will get in touch with your power to change.

You have more power than you think.
You just need to START!

Art: abarbarianheart