02/01/2025
The last 6 days at .love have been life-changing.
I realised I have been completely shut down for the last 30 years and not shed one single tear. I’m deathly afraid of people, I’d rather spend time with animals than go near a human being. Many have hurt me, more than you can imagine. I have many demons and I only just discovered I had them.
Ayahuasca is the medicine I didn’t think I needed. It’s rebuilt me slowly, allowed me to form a trust with it and relight that fire that was extinguished many years ago. Hope has been stored in the depths of my little toe all along.
It was and still is painful. I have gained a new prescription lens to understand my family, friends, my work and the q***r community.
My default has always been to feel guilty for my existence, apologise for just being me and always to those that have hurt me. I questioned my existence in this realm every second of the day for the last 30 years. I started healing and people laughed at me, I let them and others let them. I can’t tell you how hard it is to be bullied twice over in your lifetime for just being yourself.
But now, I have found out why I’m here, what my purpose is and understand myself completely. In rebuilding, I have learned to wholeheartedly love myself, a challenge that 5 years ago I would never have thought I would get to.
I’ve made countless mistakes, I’ve hurt people because I’m hurt, I thought I knew best in my fight for survival. My numbing was to expose myself, throw myself into the fire for max intensity pain.
I now know how to fight for my corner, embrace hate but more importantly love and forgive. I’m a judgemental little prick but this has all been lessons to realise all my judgements have been mirrors all along. Even if I couldn’t fathom the pain caused to me, I can understand the circumstances in which it led to my suffering. In that, I forgive my captors entirely and release their souls including my own.
Ayahuasca is like enrolling in the University of life where you’re always getting D’s until you don’t.
I love you all. Please always remember you are loved and there is always an option.