Argentum Counselling

13/08/2024

Why does chicken cross the road?
Anyone can be disappointed in their personal and work relationships, health, money, or the energy they have left at the end of the day. They often cannot understand why they cannot reach their full, happy potential.
It's not a simple matter of one factor that would explain anyone’s issues. The complexity of personal and work-related problems is often overlooked, but it's crucial to recognise that they are multifaceted and require a deeper understanding. This understanding can empower us to navigate these issues more effectively.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get on the other side? It just cannot be so easy. People suffer from childhood trauma, chemical imbalance, learned behaviours, and social and economic oppressive contexts.
I cannot say that all your problems lie in the way you set and maintain boundaries.

Or can I? If the problems' ontology is multilayered, it does not mean the cure cannot be singular. So, the question is not why but how the chicken crosses the road and how it can do it better the next time.

Boundaries. What are they?
Let me propose a definition: boundaries are the distance you allow others to be around your authentic core. There are people we keep far away from our authentic selves and those with unlimited access.
People often confuse who should be close to them, how close others should be, and, in general, where the boundaries are.
From a scientific point of view, the most fundamental boundary is generated by your body.

Humour me and do a little experiment. Try to say one thing, like “I had a good day” while standing 5 m from a person and then standing 5 cm away from them. Feels different?
How do you feel when someone takes your blood, stands next to you on a train, or sits next to you in a coffee shop?
Edward T Hall, the cultural anthropologist, researched the use of space as a specialised elaboration of culture. In his foundational work on proxemics, The Hidden Dimension, Hall emphasised the impact of space on interpersonal communication. Hall proved that cultures organise and use space differently (houses, offices, public spaces). But this might sometimes be difficult when your personal boundaries differ from the cultural ones.

What if you do not like people in your space while living in a culture that exposes you to people who persistently want to come closer? What about parents who, culturally, want to be closer and a child who cannot stand it? There are many interesting implications.

Read more:

What are boundaries? What type of boundaries do we have? How does the intrinsic type of boundaries we possess influence our personality? How considering boundaries might explain your poor mental health?

13/08/2024

https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/2024/08/13/boundaries-how-does-the-chicken-cross-the-road/

What are boundaries? What type of boundaries do we have? How does the intrinsic type of boundaries we possess influence our personality? How considering boundaries might explain your poor mental health?

30/06/2024

What did Amber say, and what did you hear?
The Netflix documentary reminded me of how I felt watching the Deep vs. Heard trial today.
I was highly uncomfortable.

I was not shocked by the evidence – that I was disgusted by - but by the public response to Amber Heard.

Unfortunately, it often mirrors the way the public sees domestic violence in general.
And if you ever have had some unkind thoughts about someone who claimed they were abused, read on since you might be swung by unconscious bias.

The way the public, or even close family, sometimes sees domestic violence is summarised in Mr Rottenborn, Amber Heard's lawyer closing statement:

“If you didn't take pictures, it didn't happen. If you did take pictures, they're fake.

If you didn't tell your friends, you're lying. And if you did tell your friends, they're part of the hoax.

If you didn't seek medical treatment, you weren't injured. If you did seek medical treatment, you're crazy.

If you do everything that you can to help your spouse, the person that you love, rid himself of the crushing drug and alcohol abuse that spins him into an abusive, rage-filled monster, you're a nag.

And if you finally decide that enough is enough, you've had enough of the fear, enough of the pain, and you have to leave to save yourself, you're a gold digger.

That is the message is that Mr. Depp is asking you to send. But he doesn't stop there, because in Mr. Depp's world, you don't leave Mr. Depp. And if you do, he will start a campaign of global humiliation against you, a smear campaign that lasts to this very day.

He will do everything he can to destroy your life, to destroy your career. That is what they're saying, ladies and gentlemen. And that's what they're trying to get you, the jury, to be an accomplice to. But it's not surprising because Mr. Depp cannot and will not take responsibility for his own actions. It's always someone else's fault.”

Still trying to figure out what he was talking about? So, let's dive in.

1. Messages, pictures, audio and video recordings. Many DV survivors are accused that any evidence which was recorded on the devices is fake, manipulated, or provoked. Very often, clients are asked why they took pictures or recorded conversations in the first place, with the underlying accusation that they were planning to trap a person or blackmail them. Many clients record conversations and take pictures to aid their memory and decide if they are going mad after being regularly gaslighted by an abuser, claiming that “nothing happened” or “statements were misunderstood”.

2. What friends and family knew. Many DV survivors do not tell anyone because they are afraid of being judged, people not believing them, or they still believe that they can rescue the relationship. Some clients were fearful of telling their loved ones because they were worried about their reactions, for example, family members insisting on them leaving the property or being aggressive with the violent partner. If the client proves that someone else knew about the abuse, the natural question is why the friends and family did not do anything to help or intervene.

3. Injuries. Many clients who went through the DV are also questioned about the validity of their injuries. Many times, the medical reports are undermined by questions about masochistic tendencies and the likelihood of rough s*x. There is a very hurtful agreement that unless you are unconscious while admitted to the hospital, we cannot say for sure it was domestic abuse. Maybe they liked it rough.

4. But they were aggressive too. Many survivors of domestic violence are not believed because, in the process of protecting themselves or fighting back, they hurt or even killed the aggressor. One of my clients split the hand of the aggressive partner while fighting back an attack and was threatened that she would be reported as an abuser.

5. They were impossible to live with. Unless a domestic violence survivor is a saint, they cannot claim they did not provoke the abuser. All the mistakes or misunderstandings that would be discussed peacefully in a healthy relationship are scrutinised and magnified when dealing with domestic violence survivors.

6. They cannot be abusive because they are lovely. Often, the allegations are questioned because the abusers are, in general, friendly, approachable, or even charming people outside their close relationships, where they tend to be monsters.

Why do some people question the abuse or the character of a person who claimed they were abused? Well, that is a topic for another post. Would you like me to write about that? Please comment below.

30/06/2024

https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/2024/06/30/what-did-amber-say-and-what-did-you-hear/

And if you ever have had some unkind thoughts about someone who claimed they were abused, read on since you might be swung by unconscious bias.

18/05/2024

https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/2024/05/18/the-power-of-breaks/

The Power of Breaks: Rejuvenation, Creativity, and Productivity In our fast-paced world, every minute seems precious. We’re constantly chasing deadlines, striving for productivity, and fearing that any pause will cause us to drop the ball. But what if I told you that breaks—those seemingly insig...

18/05/2024

Brakes are not just a pause in your working day. They are a source of rejuvenation. They separate us from unmotivated people, help us avoid feeling shuttered at the end of the day, and improve our productivity and creativity. Why are so many people against taking breaks and making them meaningful?
The productivity lie tells us that every minute of the day is precious and cannot be wasted.
If we have a break, we will drop the ball.
Then we can talk about how we take holidays and vacations. Only a few know how to rest correctly, completely, and with a sense of necessity.
When I was a small girl, I observed that my hardworking grandmother had spells of sitting on the bench under the tree or on the porch. She would sit, stare into the space, and think. Then, she was done and ready for more work. She is 95 and doing great.
When was the last time you sat down and stared into space?
Breaks give your brain space to sharpen your attention and activate executive function.
The break is the opposite of work or entertainment. It is a total stop to everything, which might, in the long run, speed up your nervous system. If you work physically, the break should turn off your body but not your brain. When you do highly intellectual work, the break should switch off your brain and activate your body.
During the day, the break could be as simple as standing up from the computer, making coffee, patting a dog or cat, looking through the window, walking and listening to birds, or cycling to the shop and back.
The secret of a good break is to do the opposite of what has been done for the last hour.
I am also a strong advocate for power naps. Laying down for 20 minutes, allowing your brain to switch off but not go into a deep sleep, improves alertness and cognitive performance.
I also love the concept of a coffee nap. Drinking a black coffee and taking a 20-minute nap does not affect my short sleep. Because caffeine takes up to half an hour to have an alerting effect, your ability to fall asleep will not be affected by it. On the contrary, you will feel much more alert to the effects of caffeine when you wake up, empowering you to tackle the rest of your day.
The other thing about breaks is the art of having (un) orthodox breaks. Many exceptionally high-performing but very anxious clients cannot have a holiday without a tight plan of attractions—hiking, sightseeing, theme parks, and museums.

One of my clients (the client was asked if I could share his experience) wanted to improve his anxiety levels, and after a few sessions, he decided to go for what I call an orthodox holiday.
He rented an Airbnb in the most boring coastal English town and stayed there for a week. He slept for the first two days with nothing to do (he did not take his laptop). He reported only waking up for food and to go to the toilet. After that, he just started walking around without any direction or purpose, which he found at the beginning anxiety-provoking, but then his brain, as he said, switched off.
When he emerged from brain fog, he started to think about small activities he could be doing, like watching the sea or sketching seagulls. After the holidays, his stress dropped noticeably, and he discovered many dynamics at work that he was uncomfortable with.
Of course, he returned to being stressed and overwhelmed after a few weeks, but by then, he knew what he should be doing. The longer orthodox break gave him the opportunity for recalibration and motivation to look for a new job.
For free-of-charge consultation, call 07930826923
https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/

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11/05/2024

For free of charge consultation, call 07930826923

https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/

06/05/2024

Are you ready to take the first step towards transforming your workplace into a more inclusive and supportive environment for all your employees?
This post offers some practical ideas and insights you'll be able to implement quickly. These actionable steps can inspire you to reflect on how you can enhance the environment for your workers.
This entry discusses:
· reasonable adjustments,
· why you should introduce them, and
· provides some examples of reasonable adjustments

Reasonable adjustments are the changes employers make to remove or reduce a disadvantage related to an employee's disability. The change might regard the physical space, arrangements considering time and technological improvements.

It's not just good practice but a legal obligation for employers to provide reasonable adjustments for employees diagnosed with ASD, ADHD, dyspraxia, or dyslexia, as per The Equality Act 2010. Understanding and fulfilling this obligation can create a more inclusive and supportive workplace for all.

Clocks everywhere.
Since time is money, ensure everyone knows what time it is. Invest in clocks in every place in the office and outside it—the toilet, too. Do you know where your employees go for a cigarette break? Will they look at their watch or phone when they are there? How do we ensure they will?
Besides, most people do not wear watches anymore; if they do, they do not wear them to check time. When people check their phones for time, they usually go down the rabbit hole of Instagram or Ticktock and disappear for hours.
Not productive, is it not?
Rethink training days.
It's time to reconsider your approach to training days and team outings. By making these events more inclusive for your neurodivergent employees, you can create a more supportive and understanding workplace.
I listened to countless complaints about training days and days out that had not been designed for people on the spectrum or with ADHD. A neurodivergent person will feel uncomfortable in a big room with many people, bright lights, and noise. If you cannot avoid crowds, give your neurodivergent workers a chance to sit where they can have their backs to the wall, away from speakers, and in dim light. Be sure they have the opportunity to take breaks, where they can remove themselves from the crowds.
Invest in lop earplugs to muffle the noise of the busy environment.

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/reasonable-adjustments-your-employee-edyta-johnston-2janf/?trackingId=rhQG05l%2BSmad0q1hUulDTw%3D%3D

06/05/2024

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/reasonable-adjustments-your-employee-edyta-johnston-2janf/?trackingId=rhQG05l%2BSmad0q1hUulDTw%3D%3D

06/05/2024

Carl Gustav Jung explained that when a person has a one-sided attitude, the unconscious often acts to balance life in the most disturbing ways. Suddenly, we become depressed and anxious, have strange dreams, lose motivation, and suffer from spurs of anger.

Hungry soul breads monsters. An unbalanced life causes mental health crises.

What is a one-sided attitude?

Imagine a person who works all day and spends much of the evening chasing money, status, and safety. This person ignores intrinsic needs, such as asking for a walk in a park, reading a good story, or spending time with a family.

On the other hand, imagine a person who lives only in a fantasy world, creating beautiful art but not concerned about money, politics, or the future. This person ignores the intrinsic needs for stability, good work, and predictable mealtimes.

The unconscious will emerge in both circumstances, trying to pull them more into the middle.

How do you prevent developing balance in your life? Feed your soul.



One: investigate your attitude. What is missing in your life? What takes the most time in your day? Your phone? Your work? Your daydreaming?

Two: listen to those small thoughts that you often dismiss. Maybe you wish to have a bath, read that silly book, go to the Zoo, listen to a podcast, do your taxes, clean your room, or tidy your cupboards.

Three: Do something opposite to what you usually do and see how you feel. For example, if you work all day, take a day for yourself. Whatever that means to you. Is it lying in bed and looking at the ceiling? Writing in your journal? Reading a book? Going for a walk?

If you do not work at all, write your CV, research how to perform well in interviews, and see if any free online courses can upskill you.

The surprising truth is that you know what is missing in your life and how to get there. I will not tell you what you should do; I can only give you a quick method to get there.

You are the captain of your soul.

You are the one who will cook the meal for your soul today—or starve it.

06/05/2024

https://argentumcounselling.co.uk/2024/05/04/feed-your-soul/

Carl Gustav Jung explained that when a person has a one-sided attitude, the unconscious often acts to balance life in the most disturbing ways. Suddenly, we become depressed and anxious, have strange dreams, lose motivation, and suffer from spurs of anger. Hungry soul breads monsters. An unbalanced....

29/04/2024