Thinking in Shades of Grey Ltd

18/03/2026

We often think communication means words.

But communication starts much earlier than that.

It can be a glance, a pause, a shift in body, a facial expression… or even a turning away.

These small moments are easy to miss, especially when we’re focused on helping, prompting, or encouraging more.

But often, they’re where communication is already beginning.

And when we start to notice them, we begin to see our child very differently.

✨ What might your child be communicating that’s easy to miss?

This is something I support families in understanding more deeply through my work as an RDI Consultant & PACT practitioner.

06/03/2026

Great explanation.

When parents say they are fighting, this is what they mean.

What The Fight Really Is

People talk about “the fight.”

Sometimes I hear
“Why does it have to be a fight?”
“Surely it can’t be that bad.”
“Maybe you’re exaggerating.”

If you have never had to walk this path, I understand why you might think that.

But let me explain what the fight actually looks like.

The family I am supporting removed their daughter from school. She has complex disabilities, including autism. Some of the behaviours and experiences happening in school were not safe. Mum knew something was wrong.

School said nothing was wrong.

Because her daughter masked. She held it together in the classroom and collapsed at home. It was easier for professionals to believe the institution than the parent.

Then siblings confirmed the worst fears. Things they had seen. Things that should never have happened.

Mum removed her from school.

That is when the real fight began.

Fines were threatened. Social care became involved. Weekly attendance visits started. Every week someone knocked on the door to check whether this loving family was somehow harming their child.

Mum tried to explain masking. She explained regression. She asked for Section 19 provision. She provided medical letters.

She commissioned private reports. Educational psychology. Specialist assessments. Professional evidence clearly describing need, risk and required provision.

She took those reports to the Local Authority and said,

“Here. This is the evidence.”

The response came back:

“This is the policy.”
“Our professionals disagree.”
“This school can meet need.”
“We have done nothing wrong.”

The reports were minimised. Reinterpreted. Set aside.

So let me explain the fight like this.

Imagine you are holding a red pen.

You take it to the Local Authority and say,
“This is red. The law says my child should receive support.”

They look at you and say,
“I’m sorry, that pen is blue.”

You insist it is red.
School says it is blue.
Other professionals aligned to the system say it is blue.

You commission independent experts. They examine the pen. They write detailed reports confirming that it is red.

You bring those reports back.

And you are still told,
“We disagree. It is blue.”

Eventually people imply you are overreacting. That you are emotional. That you are misinterpreting.

You begin to question yourself.

Meanwhile, your child is not in school. She is not sleeping. She is regressing. You have given up work. You are providing full time care.

You are paying for reports on credit cards.
Taking out loans.
Handing over financial statements to prove hardship.
Digging so deep you are using a food bank.

Not because you are irresponsible.

Because you are trying to protect your child.

You are proving weekly that you are a good parent. You are terrified of the knock at the door. You are exhausted beyond language.

In a meeting this week, a Headteacher stated that the only reason this child was regressing was because she had a safe bed and occasionally used a disability buggy. Remove those and she would “be fine.”

Imagine sitting there and hearing that.

Eventually, after months or years, you get to tribunal. A panel looks at the pen and says,

“Yes. It is red.”

By then you are financially drained. Emotionally broken. Traumatised by the process. Your child has lost time that cannot be returned.

That is the fight.

It is not about being difficult.
It is not about exaggerating.
It is not about wanting conflict.

It is about parents who know their child.
Parents who can see harm happening.
Parents trying to access support that the law already says should exist.

Some families are still waiting for diagnosis. Two or three year waits for autism or ADHD assessments while their child deteriorates. Being told there is no support without diagnosis. Being fined for non attendance when their child is too distressed to attend. Being told there is no money. Being told nothing is wrong.

It is slow.
It is relentless.
It is systemically exhausting.

So when you hear a parent say they are fighting, understand this.

They are not fighting because they want to.

They are fighting because they have to.

And if you are one of those parents holding a red pen while everyone insists it is blue, I see you.

26/02/2026

Why Emotional Regulation Matters More Than We’ve Been Told

When a child is melting down, shutting down, lashing out, or refusing…

We’re often told it’s about behaviour.

But behaviour is the surface.

Underneath behaviour is state.
And underneath state is the nervous system.

Emotional regulation isn’t about teaching a child to 'calm down' on command.
It’s about helping their nervous system develop the capacity to move between states safely.

In typical development, children gradually move through three core states:

Survival – where safety comes first

Emotional – where feelings are big and relational

Executive – where thinking, flexibility and problem-solving live

What can easily be overlooked is this:

A child cannot access thinking when they are in survival.
They cannot reason when their body feels unsafe.
They cannot use the skills we’ve taught them if their nervous system is overwhelmed.

For many autistic children, the world can feel intense, unpredictable, and demanding.
That means their nervous system may spend more time in survival, even when it doesn’t look obvious.

What can look like:
• defiance
• rigidity
• aggression
• avoidance
• people-pleasing
• shutdown

is often a nervous system trying to cope.

And this is why emotional regulation matters.

When we focus only on behaviour, we miss the developmental opportunity.

Regulation develops in relationship.

Through repeated experiences of co-regulation, where a child borrows our calm and steadiness, the nervous system begins to trust that distress can be tolerated.

This isn’t about fixing behaviour.

It’s about building capacity.

If you are a parent or carer and this resonates with you, you’re welcome to join Autism Chaos to Calm, where we explore this more deeply.

17/02/2026

‘If I’m always doing things with my child, won’t they become dependent on me?’ see comments ⬇️

13/01/2026

Static vs Dynamic Visual Schedules

Visual schedules can help autistic children feel organised and regulated, particularly when school routines aren’t in place at weekends or during holidays.

At home, a visual schedule can provide helpful structure. Once your child understands the pattern, it doesn’t have to stay static. Used intentionally, it can support the development of flexible, dynamic thinking.

Planning the day in short segments, involving your child in deciding what comes next, and occasionally reordering activities (without removing them) helps children practise coping with change while still feeling secure.

If this way of thinking feels relevant for you and your child, you’re welcome to come and spend some time in my Facebook group Autism Chaos to Calm, where I share practical, relationship-based ideas to support everyday regulation and flexibility (link in the comments).

07/01/2026

Static vs Dynamic Thinking – understanding the need for sameness

Does your autistic child find changes to routine really tough? Need things done in a particular way? React in a big way when something happens differently from how they pictured it?

That isn’t ‘bad behaviour’. It’s usually a smart attempt to create control in a world that feels disorganised and unpredictable. This comes from static (rigid) thinking, the brain’s message that safe = same.

We can gently grow dynamic thinking through playful co-regulation and Just Noticeable Differences - tiny, manageable changes introduced inside an activity your child already understands.

Example: tidying bricks together
• Keep roles simple: ‘I pass to you, and you drop in the box’.

• Repeat the pattern a few times so it feels familiar and motivating.

• Then add a small difference - perhaps pass a car or character toy.

• Pass… and pause. No questions, no pressure.

Tip: If the difference isn’t noticed yet, model your own noticing:
“Huh… car not brick,” and place it in a second box.

These little moments of shared attention teach children to notice, adjust, and problem-solve. Over time, you may see less need for rigid predictability and more openness to change across the day.

Change grows best from connection, not correction.

For more practical tips like this, join my free Facebook group Autism Chaos to Calm - see the link in the comments.

If you’d like tailored ideas for your own child, I offer discovery calls and coaching using RDI, an evidence-based developmental approach.

Comment below with one routine that feels hardest right now, or message me directly to book a chat.

24/12/2025

Autism and Coregulation

Coregulation is something many parents may already be doing, often without realising.

It’s not about stopping behaviour or asking a child to 'calm down,' but about creating a sense of safety and readiness so connection and learning can happen.

‘When I say regulation, I mean readiness. Not silence. Not stillness. Readiness shows up in slower breathing, softer shoulders, a face that is available for connection, a pace that allows for noticing. From that state, children can reference a trusted guide, share attention for a moment, and try something uncertain. When arousal spikes or drops, behavior shifts to protection. What looks like refusal often means not now. What looks like rigidity often means the world is moving too fast. The first response is not more words. It is co-regulation.’
Dr Sheely - RDIconnect

The example below comes from a blog post I wrote in 2019.
It captures what coregulation can look like when it has been gently woven into everyday life over time.

There are no prompts, no instructions, no rewards.... just shared awareness, subtle cues, and mutual adjustment as we move through an ordinary morning together.

'Alysia then walks back into the kitchen and fills the filter water jug from the tap. I walk over to the kitchen sink with fruit in my hand, she notices me approaching. My movements cue, totally unprompted, Alysia to shift to one side and wait for me to hold the fruit over the sink. She then pours water over the fruit, pauses and shifts her gaze to me. I smile, she takes this to mean ‘good enough’, and we both move away to carry on with our individual morning tasks.

Chester enters the room, and he positions himself next to Alysia at the countertop. We all chant ‘morning’ to one another. He takes a glass from the cupboard above, and Alysia, who had been filling her own glass, moves the jug nearer to him; he holds his glass towards her, and she fills it. Chester says ‘thanks’ as they both move away.

I’m just finishing packing up lunch boxes and start to move towards the fridge to put the fruit away. Alysia is getting an egg from the fridge and starts to close the door. She notices my approach and stops to hold the door open for me before moving off to make her breakfast.

I’m back at the kitchen counter with my back to Alysia, unaware that she is approaching. I move backwards and turn to my right. Alysia, who is carrying a plate full of food, quickly dodges to the left of me. I sense her movement and look to her, we catch each other’s gaze and share a ‘that was close’ look!'.

What’s happening here might look small or even unremarkable... but these moments are doing important work.

This is coregulation:
Noticing one another, adjusting pace, reading cues, pausing, sharing attention, and moving on.

Over time, these repeated experiences help a child feel safe enough to stay open, flexible, and connected... even when things are uncertain.

When children experience enough coregulation, they begin to carry that sense of readiness within themselves.

This is what supports the development of self-regulation, resilience, friendships, everyday life skills, growing independence, and a better quality of life.

If you’re curious about how coregulation might look for your child, or you’d like support in building this into everyday moments, you’re very welcome to message or email me.

19/12/2025

From Chaos to Calm: How Declarative Communication Reduces Pressure

In my upcoming talk in Autism Chaos to Calm, I’ll be exploring how moving away from instructions and questions can reduce interactional demands for autistic children, helping communication feel calmer, safer, and more achievable for parents and carers supporting them day to day.

Parents and carers are very welcome to come and join me on Monday 22nd December at 11am GMT.

Group link in the comments

18/12/2025

Christmas uncertainty, unpredictability, and overwhelm

This time of year can be especially hard for our autistic children.
Christmas often highlights where things feel hardest, not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because routines disappear and demands increase.

When there is too much change, our autistic children can quickly move into survival mode. You might notice more meltdowns, withdrawal, or a strong need to control their environment. And as parents, this can feel exhausting, especially when, at this time of year, we often have very little control over the environment ourselves.

For many parents, this becomes a moment of reflection.
Not urgency.
Not perfection.
Just a quiet sense that something needs to change, gently and intentionally.

What if 2026 could feel different?
Not ‘fixed’.
Not pressure-filled.
But a year where your child begins to experience more emotional connection, more shared moments, and a growing ability to cope with change, supported by you, the constant in their life.

If this resonates and you’re thinking ‘we can’t do another year like this’, you’re not alone.

I’m opening three spaces in January and would love to talk with families who feel ready for something different. Message or email me.

09/12/2025

The heart of PACT Therapy is relationship.

It’s where understanding begins, and connection deepens. 💞

When adults and children feel truly seen, something beautiful happens -communication flows naturally, joy emerges, and growth unfolds in its own time.

At PACT Therapy, we nurture that foundation - helping parents and caregivers rediscover the power of attunement, empathy, and shared discovery. Because when connection comes first, everything else follows. 🌿

Discover how PACT builds lasting communication through connection → https://www.pacttraining.co.uk/information-for-parents/

25/11/2025

I’ve seen so many posts recently from parents of non-verbal or pre-verbal autistic children saying they’ve had little or no SLT support and are unsure how to help their child communicate.

I completely understand how that feels. When my daughter was diagnosed at 3.5, support was limited too… and sadly, many families are still facing the same challenges today.

What made the biggest difference for us was discovering a developmental approach that focused on the foundations of communication, particularly shared attention.

Shared attention is where connection begins.
It’s the basis for interaction, communication and those moments of shared experience that help everything else grow.

I’m running a free live masterclass, ‘Establishing and Maintaining Shared Attention Through Play', starting Monday, 8th December.

I’ll share simple, practical, play-based strategies you can start using straight away to support your child’s social communication.

If you’d like to join, send me a message, and I’ll send you further information.

07/11/2025

Join me for my 5 Day Co-regulation Masterclass. Live on Facebook. Starting Monday, 10th, through Friday, 15th November, at 8pm GMT each day. Please send me a message or an email for the link😊