21/02/2024
Hi all at bee happy. I’d like to apologise for my lack of presence here on the bee happy main page.
Following events over Xmas time that forced me into a move with Luna and also an office (because I had room) I’ve had to lay focus on income to cover the massive triple in my original rent 🤦♀️
My mental health has taken a battering for a good few years now which I’ve mostly faced in the company of my own silence 🤫. But following my own ethos of talking and not being ashamed of mental health, I thought I’d post.
It’s a long one, take a seat!
I have continued to battle and try incredibly hard to focus on what I can achieve but there seems to be a devil on my shoulder whispering words of doubt and dismay 😩 into my ear. It has got noticeably worse since the move and of course other factors of life have played their part of which I’ve allowed to take a hold.
I’ve not thrown in the towel completely but I am starting to look at my life and really wonder where it should be heading and how to get there. My heart craves peace whilst my head craves sleep.
I don’t have any answer on how to get ‘better’ but I do know the first step is putting it out there and not being worried about others opinions. Of course I’m worried. I care for people and how they perceive me but when you get to a point where things have to change one way or another it becomes less important because you feel you have nothing left to lose.
I feel I’ve given my all to the world of Facebook for 5 years now, some achievements, a lot of failings. I have been at the point of ‘wealth’, meaning I never had to worry about the bills and debt was being paid off, never rich! And I’ve also been at the point where I’ve been hugely in debt to the ones I love who continue to believe in me, alongside maxed of credit cards and loans. That’s probably a good description of where I’m at now.
How do I sleep?
I don’t.
I worry 24/7. I worry about worrying. I worry about failing my family and friends and myself. I worry about failing my one truest friend, Luna. I Worry how I’m gonna feed everyone, pay the truck debts, pay fuel, feed the horse, pay rents and all the other bills. And I worry that I’m on my own. Yes I have great friends and family members but ultimately the onus is on me and it’s a weight I have carried for a long time because I’ve never quite figured how to ‘make it’.
How do I fix myself?
I dont know. I may never fix myself. I may have to live this life until I draw my last breath. Who knows.
Can I cope with things right now? Nope
I’ve been getting through my days one breath at a time, one panic attack at a time, one crying session at a time.
But no one will ever see that in me ( well one person has) because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. Yes I know that’s a load of crap in my right mind but my right mind isn’t about at the moment!
Today was the first day in a while things over flowed for someone to witness. My mask slipped. Because I couldn’t/ can’t continue being the class clown 🤡 😂 it’s just not sustainable.
So I’ve had 24 hours of pure hell in my mind, thoughts that pass by that have no place in my mind, tears roll down my face that have no place there and sadness that I don’t deserve to feel forever.
But if I take time to figure out what I need right now maybe things can get better. Maybe I don’t have to lose the little happiness I have left. But where do I start?!
This is me. I practise what I preach. I don’t want to see any one suffer in the prison of their minds like I do, or like Colin did 😢 don’t be afraid, or be afraid and reach out anyway.
Im making a promise to myself that I will write posts here, Candidly on my own mental health and the reality it is for me and hope that if one of you can relate and know you’re not the only one on this war, I know I may have saved a life with my honesty.
Saff
Heart On Sleeve Warrior
