Bee Happy

23/02/2024

It’s been 2 long days since my last post so I thought I’d update you on how I am doing.
The short answer is ‘not too bad’. I’ve kept myself to myself as much as I could to keep my focus on not breaking down completely and being completely useless.
Last night i actually managed 6 hours sleep with no night terror (I’ve had a few lately) so today felt like the first day of recovery ❤️‍🩹 kind of.
I’m very lucky 🍀 in the fact that a couple of good friends have kept me in check. That’s made a difference. I don’t want to be a burden when I’m not coping yet these friends looked right past that and made it their choice to just come and sit with me for a while. Encourage me, and just be normal I guess.
I dont want to be treated any different when I have tears rolling down my face and when the realities of life are hitting down on me hard. I just need ‘normality’ I guess.
Don’t get me wrong, my troubles are ever present in my mind, heart and life. I work alone, have little social life and no partner so it’s rare for me to actually have support for my ‘selfish’ and ‘practical’ needs.
When i feel strong, I’m like a lone wolf. 🐺 no one can touch me and my feelings.
When I’m weak, others thoughts and opinions slice like a knife 🔪 and the reality troubles become a fog that blinds me and frightens me.
I’m still not the saff everyone knows, my heart feels incomplete but I’m still saff. I have not locked myself away and given up. I’m still going even though the days are so long and the nights are much much longer.
I still don’t have any answers but they’ll find me I hope, one day.
So why post today?
Because I want you guys who are going through something right now have an insight into my 48 hours and show you some hope that no matter how foggy 😶‍🌫️ it becomes or even in complete blackness, if you keep walking , it will slowly clear.
and if you’re lucky like me, you’ll have one or more very special people in your life that are happy to hold you up when you need some support.
Much love to everyone 💓

21/02/2024

Hi all at bee happy. I’d like to apologise for my lack of presence here on the bee happy main page.
Following events over Xmas time that forced me into a move with Luna and also an office (because I had room) I’ve had to lay focus on income to cover the massive triple in my original rent 🤦‍♀️
My mental health has taken a battering for a good few years now which I’ve mostly faced in the company of my own silence 🤫. But following my own ethos of talking and not being ashamed of mental health, I thought I’d post.
It’s a long one, take a seat!
I have continued to battle and try incredibly hard to focus on what I can achieve but there seems to be a devil on my shoulder whispering words of doubt and dismay 😩 into my ear. It has got noticeably worse since the move and of course other factors of life have played their part of which I’ve allowed to take a hold.
I’ve not thrown in the towel completely but I am starting to look at my life and really wonder where it should be heading and how to get there. My heart craves peace whilst my head craves sleep.
I don’t have any answer on how to get ‘better’ but I do know the first step is putting it out there and not being worried about others opinions. Of course I’m worried. I care for people and how they perceive me but when you get to a point where things have to change one way or another it becomes less important because you feel you have nothing left to lose.
I feel I’ve given my all to the world of Facebook for 5 years now, some achievements, a lot of failings. I have been at the point of ‘wealth’, meaning I never had to worry about the bills and debt was being paid off, never rich! And I’ve also been at the point where I’ve been hugely in debt to the ones I love who continue to believe in me, alongside maxed of credit cards and loans. That’s probably a good description of where I’m at now.
How do I sleep?
I don’t.
I worry 24/7. I worry about worrying. I worry about failing my family and friends and myself. I worry about failing my one truest friend, Luna. I Worry how I’m gonna feed everyone, pay the truck debts, pay fuel, feed the horse, pay rents and all the other bills. And I worry that I’m on my own. Yes I have great friends and family members but ultimately the onus is on me and it’s a weight I have carried for a long time because I’ve never quite figured how to ‘make it’.
How do I fix myself?
I dont know. I may never fix myself. I may have to live this life until I draw my last breath. Who knows.
Can I cope with things right now? Nope
I’ve been getting through my days one breath at a time, one panic attack at a time, one crying session at a time.
But no one will ever see that in me ( well one person has) because I don’t want to be a burden on anyone. Yes I know that’s a load of crap in my right mind but my right mind isn’t about at the moment!
Today was the first day in a while things over flowed for someone to witness. My mask slipped. Because I couldn’t/ can’t continue being the class clown 🤡 😂 it’s just not sustainable.
So I’ve had 24 hours of pure hell in my mind, thoughts that pass by that have no place in my mind, tears roll down my face that have no place there and sadness that I don’t deserve to feel forever.
But if I take time to figure out what I need right now maybe things can get better. Maybe I don’t have to lose the little happiness I have left. But where do I start?!

This is me. I practise what I preach. I don’t want to see any one suffer in the prison of their minds like I do, or like Colin did 😢 don’t be afraid, or be afraid and reach out anyway.

Im making a promise to myself that I will write posts here, Candidly on my own mental health and the reality it is for me and hope that if one of you can relate and know you’re not the only one on this war, I know I may have saved a life with my honesty.

Saff
Heart On Sleeve Warrior

08/02/2024

04/02/2024

Join us for spring clean tombola at 11 am, Monday 5th Feb!

The spring clean is here! Ten tickets for £5 Let’s get our homes freshened up in a fun way !**date to be confirmed- aiming for Friday 2nd February. Please check pages for updates!