24/12/2025
Hello children everywhere and welcome to Wednesday.
Have you been good boys and girls?
Will Santa be coming down your chimney later?
Well, before he does, there’s time for a story from Uncle Drew.
Uncle Drew takes his work very seriously boys and girls, but sometimes he likes to do and say silly things.
Uncle Drew’s lovely wife, Mrs B, calls him a daft bu**er - but it’s all in good fun.
Uncle Drew likes to think that people might have a smile on their face. We all like smiling, don’t we children?
What makes you smile boys and girls?
If it’s Lurpak and you have any spare, tell mummy to post it to me. That would make Uncle Drew smile.
Uncle Drew likes Lurpak.
Enough of this butter banter, we must get on to our story.
Yes, it’s Christmas Eve boys and girls. Are you excited?
I don’t get excited boys and girls, I’ve got a dicky ticker.
Uncle Drew has medication….usually in a blue bottle.
Do you have Christmas Eve traditions in your family boys and girls?
Does mummy leave a mince pie and a sherry for Santa?
Santa loves sherry.
Santa loves sherry so much he’s renamed one of his reindeer, Harvey.
Does daddy get you a carrot for Rudolf?
I’ll let you into a secret boys and girls, Rudolf hates carrots and actually prefers sausage rolls. Trouble is if he eats too many he can’t take off, so Santa put him on a carrot diet.
Rudolf would love to tell Santa where to stick his carrots, and it’s not in a snowman’s face.
Sometimes mummies and daddies might have very colourful traditions - like getting rat-arsed on Creme De Menthe and then recreating the green projectile vomiting scene from the Exorcist.
Maybe you will be placing two Clementines in a sock, to hang from the mantelpiece? That’s a thing we do in our house boys and girls.
Well, we don’t have a mantelpiece anymore boys and girls, but I’ll still be stuffing my sock this evening and I wanted to tell you why.
Everyone has heard of Christmas Eve, but have you ever wondered what happened to Christmas Adam?
Well, as it happens I know the story and if you’re all sitting comfortably, then I’ll begin…but not before I issue this caveat.
Be Aware - POLITICAL CORRECTNESS DEFICIT WARNING
This story may contain nuts, and lots of childish innuendo.
Inspired by those days of my youth when the comedy was in the hands of the Carry On team, Dick Emery, The Two Ronnies, and Mrs Slocombe’s p***y.
If you are easily offended then buckle up. Honestly, it’s absolute filth. You have been warned.
Shall we begin?
Once upon a time, in a country far, far away, a handsome young man named Adam was walking through his garden: the Garden of Meden.
Adam loved his garden. He enjoyed strolling through all the fruit trees, the vegetable patches and vineyards.
He meandered through the meadows and frolicked in the forests. Adam was a very good frolicker boys and girls.
He would often swim naked in the refreshing and pollution free streams that ran through the Garden of Meden.
He would then stretch out amongst the bulrushes, to dry himself in the warm embrace of the sun.
This is how Adam met his very good friend Moses.
Moses was a drug dealer, we know this as he always had tablets to give away.
Moses is currently not in the Garden of Meden. Moses is on holiday in a lovely place called Wandsworth.
He’s enjoying himself though as he’s still able to occasionally part things.
Although Adam missed his friend Moses, he didn’t really have a care in the world.
Adam knew every corner of the Garden of Meden and tended it with great care.
He seemed to have a magic touch. Anything he touched just grew and grew.
He was young, handsome, talented…he had it all. ( I hate him.)
People would come from miles around to marvel at his handiwork and in the vain hope they might get a glimpse of the Meden Magician.
His really ardent admirers would gather at the garden gates, hoping to see Adam pass by. Some would even reach through the gates to try and touch his dibber.
For all his charm, talent and good looks, Adam was quite modest.
He would hide away from the visiting people as they wandered hither and thither.
The people would talk in hushed and reverend tones about the magnificence of the Garden of Meden.
Such was its greatness as a wonder of the world, that it even outshone the Hanging Gardens of Shirebrook.
Because he was so shy and modest, Adam never heard the lovely things said about his garden. He never heard the gasps that were uttered in awe as people saw his perfect parsnip or his swollen juicy bunches of grapes; bunches that swung majestically in the breeze.
Luckily, Adam’s ‘girlfriend’, Eve, often reported the compliments to Adam.
I say ‘girlfriend’ but Adam was a clean living boy and he never laid a finger on her boys and girls. He was too busy frolicking.
When Eve told Adam what people were saying, he was embarrassed by the praise and said to Eve, “Are you sure they like my garden?”
“Yes Adam dear, it’s all true” she replied, “I heard it through the grapevine”.
Adam was famous for many things in his garden but it was his fruit that drew the biggest praise.
Eve, was also quite famous boys and girls, but not just for her fruit. Eve was famous for her fingers.
They were very dexterous.
She could prick out faster than you could say ‘thin my seedlings’.
Eve was very popular.
She also had the best melons for miles around and people would often pause to squeeze her Kumquats.
Adam was never jealous of Eve’s success though. Adam was too kind to be jealous.
Adam took comfort from his many successes including his giant marrow and his amazing plums.
Adam was happy.
Adam was so happy that he would sometimes climb a tree.
It was a fir tree.
From the fir he could see afar.
He never knew what afar was, but he could see it.
Adam sometimes climbed a tree after his skinny dipping sessions.
He would dangle from a branch, surveying his garden.
He was very good at dangling from branches boys and girls.
His strong hands never let go of the wood.
He was hanging from his tree one day as Eve passed by and he shouted down to her “Eve! Look how well I’m hanging”.
Eve had to agree that he was very well hung.
But although there were a lot of good and beautiful things to see in the Garden of Meden boys and girls, sometimes dangers lurk.
Little did Adam suspect as he dangled in the air, that he was soon to be lurked by a danger.
One day, as Adam was tending to his sprouting broccoli, he noticed a serpent slithering by.
The serpent was slithering in a most ostentation manner, obviously wanting to be seen.
As it progressed through the grass, the snake made a hissing sound. (It was farting boys and girls, but we don’t want to draw attention to that.)
Now, you must remember boys and girls, our story takes place many, many years ago, and so this was a time when snakes and serpents could talk. And fart.
After centuries of evolution, we still have talking snakes, but now we call them MP’s.
Adam cheerily greeted the snake.
Adam was polite. “Hello Mr Snake”.
He was polite but not one for small talk.
The hissing snake looked up at Adam and greeted him as follows:
“From down here on the ground, your plums look amazing”.
Adam blushed so much his broccoli sprouted even more.
Anyway, long story short, the snake turned out to be a bit of a t**t.
He was a serpent spy, secretly sent slithering from Shirebrook.
The snake’s mission was to destroy Adam’s business, so that the Hanging Gardens could attract more visitors.
Yes, the devious serpent had a plan…I would say it was a cunning plan, but that’s breaching the copyright of another snake - a black adder.
The scheming serpent persuaded Adam that although his plums were amazing, people were fed up of him constantly putting them on show.
“Plums are old hat Adam” said the nasty little viper, “you should try growing easy peel citrus fruit, like a Satsuma or a Mandarin”.
The sneering snake knew this was almost impossible boys and girls. Easy peel fruit couldn’t survive the winters in Meden.
But the venal venomous viper also knew Adam didn’t like to back down from any challenge.
No problem was too big for Adam.
However big it was, Adam was always ready to take it in hand and beat it.
If easy peel citrus fruit were to flourish in the Garden of Meden, Adam knew he’d need to find hardy and superior seed.
He decided to go on a trek to find some.
A seed trek. To boldly go where no man had gone before…Grimsby.
Adam packed up the necessary supplies for a long journey; food, maps, his face creams and moisturisers, plus he had his trusty dibber. He put them all in a sack.
When Adam felt the weight of his sack and he was perturbed.
Adam thought about getting some form of transport to help carry his sack.
Adam decided to borrow a donkey from his neighbour, Mary.
Mary had a lovely little ass, boys and girls. He was called Bottom, after the character from A Midsummer’s Night Dream.
She nearly called him Puck, but then thought better of it. Well done Mary.
By the way children, Mary was pregnant. We won’t be talking about how that happened boys and girls. We have our suspicions.
You see Mary was always late for work so her boss sent a bloke called Jospeh to knock her up.
Anyway, Adam went to ask for Mary’s ass and she said “Of course you can take the donkey, I’m heavy with child and I’m not bloody going anywhere”.
Mary was actually quite heavy without child - big b***d, big b***d.
There was one important thing she said that Adam should never forget.
“Don’t let Bottom nibble any bushes, especially any myrrh bushes. He’s a right nasty little sod if he gets even a sniff of the stuff”.
Adam heaved his heavy sack onto Mary’s ass and waved farewell to Eve.
He gave her Kumquats a squeeze for good luck before he set off.
Eve watched Adam disappear over the hill, and when he was out of sight, she and Mary got absolutely bladdered on cream sherry. Santa would be proud.
They were so drunk, they didn’t even notice an angel singing on high, and waving his cherubim at them from the roof of Wetherspoons.
Well, they did see him, but Mary persuaded Eve it was just the village idiot, Nigel, dressed as an angel. Sherry can do that to you.
Eventually the angel got bored and flew away but as he left all he said was “Jesus, why is it so hard to find a sober virgin in Meden?”
There are versions of this story where Mary and Eve are not drunk as skunks boys and girls, and they do see the angel. That story is for another day… and far more believable than this rubbish.
We journey now 'cross field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star.
It’s not actually a star, it’s a light that Adam attached to Bottom’s bottom. You can’t be too careful. You don’t want to be rear-ended without warning.
And so Adam continued his journey to the east in search of special seed.
After travelling for many days he finds himself in the exotic east; yes, he’s arrived in Grimsby.
Adam shines the light from his ass to illuminate a road sign, it reads ‘Bethlehem Street’.
Adam is tired, his bottom is sore from riding Bottom.
His sack has chafed.
Bottom is bleeding knackered.
They trot slowly into the car park of a Premier Inn, but there is no room.
In fact there is even a protest outside the Inn as apparently it’s been fully booked out by wise men from the East!
Even further East than Grimsby.
Just when Adam thought he’d have to sleep rough, a kind bespectacled man beckons him towards an old stable.
It turns out his name was Mr Incense; “But you can call me Frank” he offered.
“This is my travelling companion Mr Gold” indicating a portly gentleman lurking in the shadows in the corner of the stable.
“That’s not his real name of course, his real name is Donald but he prefers Gold”.
Adam asked why the two men were huddled in the stable and it turns out they had arrived there by following a Star.
Actually, they had followed a Star-mer, which is a lot less bright than it seems and this was the reason they were now hopelessly lost and up to their ankles in manure.
Suddenly, Adam heard a kerfuffle.
He turned to the kerfuffle and told it to be quiet and as he did so, he noticed the terrifying scene before him.
As his gaze fell in the direction of the donkey…shock, horror!
Bottom was sniffing a bush!
And not just any bush.
Bottom was sniffing and chewing on a myrrh bush!
The donkey went ballistic.
Nostrils flaring, eyes wide, it bellowed and brayed and bucked.
Adam shouted a warning “Mind that bucking donkey!”
The warning went unheeded.
The donkey trampled all over Adam’s plums, before biting off Frank’s fingers.
Adam had warned him not to try and calm the donkey by sticking his finger in his…ear.
The donkey, now totally enraged, leapt towards Mr Gold.
Mr Gold was standing there, twitching and slobbering and gibbering.
His arms were moving in a strange jerky manner, up and down, up and down.
Never in the history of time had a man twitched, slobbered, gibbered and je**ed more manically than Donald.
Random words were emanating from him his twitching mouth at such a pace, it was totally impossible to work out what he was saying. Was that YMCA?
“Don’t worry” said Frank, “that’s his normal demeanour”.
As the donkey neared Mr Gold, the old man let out a tremendous trump.
The immediate effect was that the donkey, smelling the foul odour, turned and fled into the night.
Bottom ran straight home, never once stopping, and arrived at Mary’s gaffe, totally exhausted, three days later.
Thinking he was going to have a rest, he was really ticked off to find Mary and the knocker upper Joseph, were planning a short break. A carpentry course they both fancied.
“I’m too tired to trek, try flying” said the donkey.
Yes the donkey can speak too.
“Nothing beats a Jet2 holiday”, he added.
Mary knew that nothing beats a Jet2 Holiday but she beat the donkey instead.
Joseph slipped off to let Eve know their plans, and have a quick squeeze of her Kumquats.
Anyway boys and girls, let’s magically transport ourselves back to Bethlehem Street.
Frank has been taken to A&E to have his fingers sewn back on. Adam was nursing his plums.
Mr Gold seemed totally unaware of what was going on. He just stood there, farting and gibbering, and now Adam couldn’t help but notice something peculiar about him.
Donald was now standing in the full glare the light, and there was something strange about him. I mean more than just the smell.
The light that had fallen from Bottom’s bottom during the myrrh fracas, was now fully illuminating the scene in the stable.
Yes, there was definitely something strange about Mr Gold.
He was bright orange!
So, it turns out, and you’ll never believe this boys and girls, but Mr Gold was orange because his whole diet consisted of easy peel citrus fruit - and he’d eaten every last one.
He’d even eaten the last quarter pound of seeds - the greedy bu**er.
So Adam’s journey to the East was a flop.
All that way for nothing.
He had no treasure to take home, no seed to spread around the Garden of Meden.
Just some bruised plums and his battered pride.
NB: A passing Scotsman took Adam’s battered pride and ate it for tea.
Adam started the long walk home, and as he left Bethlehem Street, swinging his sack as he went, he saw the old snake, snickering and slithering by.
Adam looked down at the smiling serpent and then trod on his head, killing him instantly.
This wasn’t very nice of Adam, was it boys and girls?
But the pain of his failure haunted Adam - plus his plums were giving him gyp.
He walked on into the West, trying to wipe dead snake brain from his Ugg boots.
Day followed night and night followed day. Adam was lonely and sad.
His feet ached.
He longed for an ass so badly.
Then one afternoon, or late evening, well it could have been night…hang on, let’s start this sentence again.
The one night, Adam spied some shepherds washing their socks. In the gentle glow of starlight. He was surprised to see one of them was fondling something soft, spherical and orange.
Adam stood there, wide mouthed, totally entranced by the shepherd’s Satsuma.
The shepherd saw Adam standing there all agog, so with a smile on his face he winked, then waved Adam over.
Adam and the shepherd lived happily ever after.
Eve waited and waited for Adam to return, but he never came…back to the Garden of Meden.
As time passed, Eve gave up on Adam and married Nigel.
Mary and Joseph started a carpentry school.
But Eve never quite forgot Adam and so she would place a light in the window - no, not the one from Mary’s ass.
She also invented a timeless tradition, one we follow to this day.
It is named after her. Christmas Eve.
Having discovered she could get easy peel citrus fruit at her local ASDA, she would place two in a sock and hang it for all to see.
Before she did, she would sing those little easy peelers to sleep with a lullaby;
“Oh my darling, Oh my darling. Oh my darling Clementines,
Adam’s lost and gone forever, so I’ve dug up all his vines”.
Indeed she had dug up his vines so she could plant medicinal ma*****na.
She went into business with Moses, who was back from parting things, and pushing tablets again.
A friend did once ask Eve, “but why a Clementine, Eve, wasn’t Adam famous for his plums?”
“Well” she replied “most men would be very sad if their plums hung in their socks”.
So, that’s why we remember Christmas Eve but not Christmas Adam.
I hope Santa has fun filling your socks and stockings tonight boys and girls.
I’m off to drink Santa’s sherry.
Merry Christmas.
Oh I forgot, here are a few photographs of some of these involved in this biblical epic.
