
23/07/2025
HE WAS INCREDIBLE, BUT HE WASN'T INVINCIBLE
I used those words that his sister said to me as part of the service today.
The drive back this afternoon felt heavy, one of those where I got back to my vehicle and took a deep breath before I set off. As I called at Aldi on my way home for some bleach, toilet roll, crisps and raspberries, you know, the essentials (!) I had that slightly unusual but not entirely new feeling of 'What have I just done?' And now I'm here, in my black dress and heels, buying bleach...
Not because buying bleach is a problem, but it represents the return to normality and the mundane, and I know that the family I've just been with, and the sea of loved ones alongside them, are living far from normal..they're back at the wake trying to stay standing when their ground has opened up.
And yet, the world will keep spinning, and soon they too might need to stop off for cleaning products or random snacks. The realisation that life goes on in the face of your devastating loss is one of the many gut wrenching aspects of grief, especially early grief.
There aren't enough words for how heart-breaking today was. A young man of just 26, a brand new dad, a son, a brother, grandson, nephew, cousin, friend...a police officer...sadly his story played out in the news...the search...the desperation and the worst news confirmed.
I met this young man and his family when I led the service for his Nana in January. As a professional, it's harder still when you know the family. I'm there to be a professional, to do the job with feeling, but to hold it together for the family - it's not about me. As a human being, there's times where you really have to draw on every bit of resolve you have. Sometimes you have to say in your head over and over. It's. Not. About. Me. And then be the very best you can be.
With three beautiful family tributes (honestly, no words for how incredible they are for getting up there) we did the very best we could for him.
I don't know how many people were there today...but every single person of the hundreds (and hundreds) that gathered there are forever changed by this. His family and closest ones have to somehow put one foot in front of the other in a life they don't recognise. They bravely said that if there is any good to come out of this, they hope that somehow, more can be done to try and prevent it happening to others - their words, not mine. It isn't for me to suggest silver linings.
Today was one of those jobs you wish you didn’t have to do, but the honour of being asked to do it, and to support their family again, is immense.
I close with the words we opened with today:
"If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."
Rest in peace CM, you were so loved by so many 🤍