Jo - NLP4Kids, Newcastle

19/11/2025

It’s easy to stay composed when a child is calm and reasonable. It’s much harder when they’re shouting, debating, or twisting your words like a mini-lawyer in meltdown mode.

But here’s the thing: when a child is in fight-flight, they’re not choosing to argue. Their brain is flooded with stress chemicals, and the logical part that helps with reasoning is temporarily offline. Their words may sound clever, but the thinking behind them isn’t switched on.

So, how can you respond without getting pulled into the storm?

1. Keep your words short and your tone calm.
Long explanations or lectures won’t land when the survival brain is in charge. Processing is slower and more difficult so keep whatever you do say simple.

2. Drop the debate.
When you start trying to win the argument, you’ve joined their survival brain in battle. Step back instead. Silence can be surprisingly powerful.

3. Use your body to signal safety.
Relax your shoulders, keep your voice gentle, and avoid looming or pointing. Children read non-verbal cues faster than they hear words.

4. Focus on calming, not correcting.
Corrections can come later, when their thinking brain is back online. Right now, your calm presence helps to bring it back sooner.

5. Reflect afterwards, not during.
Once they’re settled, you can revisit what happened. This is the moment to help them connect behaviour, feelings, and triggers — not when they’re mid-outburst.

⭐️ Remember: you can’t logic someone out of a nervous system reaction. ⭐️

Your calm nervous system is the antidote to their overloaded one.

18/11/2025

⚔️ When words turn into weapons ⚔️

This is another common thread running through a lot of my parenting work. What happens when your highly articulate child loses it?

Usually lots of daggers, cunningly disguised as words, being thrown in your direction.

The more emotional your child gets, the more words come flying out — fast, sharp, and unstoppable.

It can feel like they’re doing it on purpose. But in reality, their brain has switched into survival mode. It’s hard to see it as an impulsive behaviour because the words feel so intentional but children often tell me that they can’t even remember what they said.

It’s much easier to recognise survival mode when the aggression is physical rather than verbal, so we often misinterpret the meaning of our most articulate children.

When the fight-flight response is triggered, the “thinking” part of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) temporarily goes offline. The emotional part (the amygdala) takes over, running the show. Even for a bright, verbal child, that means logic and empathy are out of reach for a while.

So instead of using language to connect, they use it to protect.

In fight mode, words come out as arguing, shouting or blaming. In flight mode they might talk quickly, make excuses, or say whatever they think will make it stop.
It’s not manipulation. It’s self-preservation.

In those moments, reasoning or lecturing won’t help, even though they sound capable of reasoning. What helps most is calm presence, safety, and few words. Once they’re regulated, their logical brain will come back online, often with impressive insight (and sometimes regret).

Tomorrow I’ll be suggesting some strategies to manage these moments but for now please remember this, no matter how personal those words feel they are unlikely to reflect how they really feel.

12/11/2025

I know I have shared this before but I like to put it back up regularly because it is a really powerful example of how shifting our language can shift our perspective, which then shifts our experience, and more importantly our child's experience.
Credit to The MEHRIT Centre, Ltd.

06/11/2025

Absolutely agree. I see so many bright, capable, sensitive children who absolutely overwhelmed by the pressure. Some children do their best work under the pressure of exam, for others coursework is a better fit. We are all different and it's time we moved back toward a more balanced system.

The Government has announced changes to exams and the school curriculum. This is our response.

04/11/2025

When you are trying to help your child open up about how they are feeling and all they come back with is “I don’t know”

It can feel frustrating, can’t it?
It’s like hitting a very effective emotional brick wall.

But what if “I don’t know” isn’t defiance? What if it is defence?

When a child’s brain feels flooded or confused, their thinking brain (the prefrontal cortex) often goes offline. They genuinely cannot find the words to explain what is going on inside. “I don’t know” becomes a safety phrase that really means, “I can’t reach that part of my brain right now.”

When you push for an answer that the child doesn’t have the frustration and sense of disconnect increases. The reality is children often don’t know what is behind their behaviour.

Instead of pushing for an answer, accept their truth and use it as a springing off point to encourage their curiosity and self-awareness. Here’s some questions you could respond by

1. Normalising the uncertainty

These responses take the pressure off and show that not knowing is okay.

“It’s fine not to know. We can figure it out together.”

2. Shifting from thinking to feeling

Helps the child move out of their head and back into their body.

“What do you notice happening in your body when you think about it?”

3. Encouraging gentle curiosity

These invite exploration without pressure.

“What would happen if you did know?”

4. Offering perspective and connection

Sometimes it helps to let them borrow perspective or use examples.

“What do you think I might say if I felt that way?”

5. Supporting emotional language building

For children who struggle to label emotions, you can scaffold with options.

“Sometimes when people say ‘I don’t know’, it means they feel mixed up inside. Does that sound about right?”

6. When to pause instead

If the child looks overwhelmed, it may be better not to ask another question right away.

“You don’t need to know right now. Sometimes if we give ourselves a little space it can be easier to figure out.”

Sometimes, “I don’t know” is the brain’s pause button, not a full stop.

When we meet that moment with patience and curiosity, we teach children that it is safe not to know. That is where real emotional growth begins.

What if we treat every “I don’t know” as the beginning of the conversation rather than the end.

03/11/2025

What should you do if your children hate fireworks?

Nothing.

I love fireworks, so I’m glad my children do too, but there’s nothing wrong with someone, child or otherwise, disliking them.

For some people, fireworks night is full of sparkle and excitement. For others, it’s pure overwhelm. The sudden bangs, flashing lights and unpredictability can send a sensitive nervous system into overdrive. What looks like panic, anger or refusal is often the body’s automatic “danger” response.

When the brain senses threat, the survival system takes over. Heart racing, muscles tense, thinking brain switched off. This isn’t a choice; it’s biology. For children who are highly sensitive, have sensory differences, or who already live with anxiety, fireworks can feel genuinely frightening rather than fun.

If your child struggles on nights like this, it’s not bad behaviour or attention-seeking. It’s their brain doing its best to protect them. Meeting that reaction with empathy rather than frustration helps their nervous system find safety again.

A few ways to help:

• Prepare ahead. Talk about what fireworks are, what they sound like, and why people use them. Watch short clips together so they know what to expect, and agree on a plan for the night.

• Offer choices. Some children feel calmer watching from a window with ear defenders or headphones. Others may prefer to stay indoors with a film or music playing. Letting them choose gives a sense of control.

• If they do want to go, have an exit plan. Knowing they can leave at any time can reduce anxiety before you’ve even arrived.

And if you decide to skip the fireworks entirely, that’s not giving in. It’s respecting your child’s limits and helping them feel safe in a world that can sometimes be too loud and too bright.

21/10/2025

It's generally part of my job to know what kids are talking about, and why, but this whole 6-7 seems too ridiculous even for me. However I do like to share content that could be of interest to parents here's a bit of a rundown. Disclaimer: I've read it, I still don't get it!!!

It originated in a rap song, then featured in South Park, and is now the bane of schoolteachers in the US and UK as pupils shout it out at random. How did it become such a thing?

17/10/2025

Argh!!!! I agree wholeheartedly with every word of this article.

Today Bridget Phillipson announced that a new target will be set of 90% of 6-year-olds passing the phonics screening check at the end of Year 1. Currently 83% pass at the end of Year 1 and 89% at the end of Year 2.

They also announce a new reading test for children in Year 8 at age 13.

They say that this is because strong reading skills are the foundation for everything else in education.

These measures will backfire, and here’s why.

You can’t make children learn faster by setting more tests. You can’t help struggling readers by putting them under more pressure. You don’t allow teachers to teach better by making them teach to the test.

We are already putting too much pressure on our very young children. There is no evidence that pushing academic skills on them earlier leads to later success.

The result will be a narrowing of the curriculum, more anxiety about reading, and more children who start to see themselves as stupid and inadequate before they’ve even turned seven. How children think about learning is the real foundation for everything else. If they’ve decided that it’s boring and hard before they’re out of the Infants, then no one is a winner.

Yes, reading is important. No, more testing and early pressure isn’t the way to raise standards. It will create more of the problems the government say they want to avoid. Our children need something better.

06/10/2025

Let's start the week with this in mind.

SECOND CHANCE SUNDAY

This was our most-loved post exactly a year ago today – and it’s still just as true now as it was then

01/10/2025

It’s the age-old question isn’t it?

What’s in a name?

The L in NLP stand for linguistic, so my view is that the words we use are important. The language we use about a situation affects our perception, and our perceptions dictate how we choose to respond.

When I talk about children who are struggling to attend school, or who are anxious while they’re in school, I usually use the term EBSA – emotionally based school avoidance.

Recently though, I’ve noticed a shift towards a new label: EBSNA – emotionally based school non-attendance.

The reason given for the change is that avoidance could sound like a choice – like “won’t” rather than “can’t”. It brings back the unhelpful idea of school refusal. So, the term non-attendance was felt to be more neutral.

At first glance, it might not seem like a big difference. Both highlight the role of emotion, and both acknowledge that these are children in need of support. But there is a really important point being missed.

Here’s the problem. If we only talk about non-attendance, then we only start paying attention once the child has already stopped going to school. And by that point, things are often at crisis point.

Research around EBSA is clear: it’s a continuum. It doesn’t begin with not turning up at all. It can start with wobbling at the school gates but managing to get in, zoning out in lessons, or experiencing overwhelming anxiety once inside. The problems for the child can start years before attendance is impacted.

If we only focus on non-attendance, we risk missing all those children who are struggling before they reach the point of absence. We miss the opportunity for early intervention.

By the time children stop attending they are usually at the point of burnout and recovery takes time and a whole lot of patience. Every day I hear stories of opportunities missed to intervene earlier, and of parents who have cried out for help only to told there is nothing wrong.

For me, this is why EBSA is the term I will keep using. It keeps the focus on the whole spectrum of need, not just on attendance levels.

29/09/2025

Monday morning inspiration as we face the week ahead.

If Monday morning was a challenge in your house hopefully it will be the hardest one of the week. Monday mornings are tough for kids too. I talk to lots of kids who experience a serious case of Sunday night blues as well.

Some kids spend the whole weekend worrying about the time passing so that they aren't able to enjoy the time they do have. This one in particular is a sign that the anxiety they are feeling is really starting to take over.

As a parent it can be really hard not to be frustrated or drawn into the negativity but it is so important to understand that it isn't a choice.

You have to find the things that help you to stay positive. Sunrises are one of my favourites so here's a few from the last couple of weeks.