Jo - NLP4Kids, Newcastle

11/05/2026

Today, hundreds of thousands of 10 and 11 year olds walked into school carrying far more than a pencil case.

They walked in carrying far too much emotional weight.

And every year, I seem to see more children coming to therapy specifically because of SATs anxiety.

Year 6 should be a year of preparation for one of the biggest transitions of childhood. For most children, they are about to leave the school they may have attended potentially since they were three years old..

For many children, especially neurodivergent children and those who are currently undiagnosed, secondary transition is already incredibly vulnerable territory.

Suddenly there are multiple teachers instead of one safe, familiar adult. Different classrooms. Different routines. More social complexity. Louder environments. Greater expectations around organisation and independence.

For some children, what felt manageable in primary school suddenly becomes overwhelming.

And what are we doing in the final year before that transition?

Telling children that SATs are one of the most important things in the world.

Making them go into school at 8am.

Spending full days on revision.

Being told that they can't enjoy a family holiday because there is homework to compete.

Let’s pause and think about that.

Ten and eleven year olds spending hours learning grammar rules and practising test technique during what should be the final months of childhood exploration within primary school.

Not because it matters deeply to them.

Because adults have attached enormous importance to it.

Children are absorbing messages like:

“You need good SATs results or you won’t get into good sets in secondary school.” followed with "If you don't get in good sets you won't do as well in GCSEs"

Children are being taught that their value lies in performance.

And increasingly, I am seeing children buckle under that pressure.

This is not about saying education does not matter.

Of course it matters.

But emotional wellbeing matters too. Childhood matters too. Protecting a child’s relationship with learning matters too.

Because a child who leaves primary school feeling anxious, inadequate and emotionally exhausted is not being well prepared for secondary school, no matter what score they achieve on a test paper.

30/04/2026

Interesting post about self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan) which stuck a chord with me. Self determination theory states that people do better when three basic psychological needs are met: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.

Autonomy is something which is severely lacking in our school system, both for children and teachers.

Yesterday a secondary age child told me about lunch times in her school. They all line up on the yard in their tutor groups, in silence, and then are allowed into the lunch hall class by class. This process can apparently take around 20 minutes although they are allowed to speak after the first 4 classes have gone in.

I'm not going to lie, my mouth may have been hanging open. That is their downtime, their chance to build social relationships, their chance to let of steam. It sounds more like prison than school.

Then there is the gang of year 6s I am working with at the minute who seem to be revising for SATs all day everyday.

I simply don't believe that anyone goes into primary teaching to repeatedly teach gramatical concepts to bored and uninspired 11 year olds. Teachers want to teach, to be creative, to inspire. Their needs aren't being met either.

I hear these stories time and time again from children and families all over the country. Something needs to change.

Yesterday I was at the Anna Freud Centre in London, talking about children who aren't fine at school. It was part of a day on trauma and neurodivergence, and the striking thing was that although we did not plan it in advance, all of the speakers converged on the same things that our children need.

Autonomy, relationships and a sense of purpose or competence. A sense of themselves as a capable and worthwhile person. Unfortunately so often our school system doesn't help with this; because for those who struggle, they often learn the opposite. They learn that they aren't good enough, or that they are the failures. They spend their school years preparing for exams that they know they won't excel in.

Psychologists have known for decades that these three things are what humans need. It's called self-determination theory (Deci & Ryan), and they are the necessary conditions for psychological thriving. It's not rocket science. Yet when it comes to children, we seem to be far too slow to learn. We persist in behaving as if exam results are more important than wellbeing and hope.

Our children need a course-correction, and we need to keep on shouting about it. School is not working for far too many children, and they all deserve something better.

Illustration by Eliza Fricker Missing The Mark from What Can We Do When School's Not Working by Fisher, Fisher & Fricker.

29/04/2026

Milestones are good times to reflect.

Over the past week, I’ve found myself thinking about how much I know now, compared to three years ago.

Three years ago, I had already spent over 20 years working with children. I’d worked in therapeutic children’s homes, managed teams, and been a social worker across child protection, complex behaviour, and therapeutic family support teams. I had plenty of experience.

But experience and understanding are not always the same thing. The beauty of my life now is the time I can dedicate to learning and growth.

There are three areas in particular that I understand far more deeply now:

1️⃣ Sensory processing

I had an awareness of sensory processing, but it was not central to how I understood behaviour.

Looking back, that feels like a significant gap.

In children's homes we support traumatised and highly sensitive children, yet we weren’t consistently asking questions about how their sensory systems were affecting them.

Were they overwhelmed by noise, light, touch?
Were they seeking input to feel regulated? How did this show up in behaviour.

Those conversations simply were not part of everyday practice in the way they should have been.

Now, I see behaviour through a sensory lens far more often. And it changes everything.

2️⃣ Emotionally based school avoidance

In social work we called “school refusal” and it is something I now understand very differently.

At the time, the focus was often on attendance. Supporting children to get into school, improving figures, reducing concerns.

I’ve picked children up and taken them to school. I’ve worked closely with schools to push attendance. I’ve seen reward systems put in place, even financial incentives for turning up.

But not enough attention was given to what was driving the avoidance.

Not enough curiosity about the anxiety, the overwhelm, the fear.

When we don’t understand the emotional barrier, we risk responding in ways that add pressure rather than reduce it.

Now, I approach this from a completely different place. Attendance is not the starting point. Understanding is.

3️⃣ The link between emotions and the body

This is something I understand much more deeply now.

I’ve worked with children experiencing constipation, difficulty eating, nausea, headaches, all rooted in stress and anxiety.

These physical responses are not separate from emotional experiences. They are part of them.

And yet, in the past, these links were not always explored in the way they needed to be, so nothing really changed.

🌟 If I could go back three years, there are things I would do differently.

But I also understand why things were the way they were.

There wasn’t the time, the space, or the support for these conversations.

What I do have now is the opportunity to think differently, to ask better questions, and to support children and families in a way that reflects what we now understand about the brain, the body, and behaviour.

28/04/2026

Info for local parents - youth project aimed at secondary school age group and based at Emily Wilding School (Thornhill Road)

28/04/2026

Three years ago, I hit “post” on this page for the very first time.

It's a moment I won't forget. It was the point where I properly put myself out there, WAY outside of my comfort zone. I had never been in a position where I needed to sell anything, let alone myself. It felt uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and if I am being honest, totally terrifying.

At that stage, I had a huge amount of support from the NLP4Kids team. Their experience and guidance made a real difference in helping me get started, and that support continues to be an important part of my work now.

Over time though, there has been one thing that has never quite fitted. My website.

All of the words were mine, but the structure followed a format used more widely within NLP4Kids. It worked well, but it never fully felt like me. But things took off quickly and it definitely wasn't holding me back. So it stayed.

But as I move into my fourth year I thought it was time to have a refresh. So I have created something new.

A new website that reflects my voice, my approach, and the way I work with children and parents. I am still very much part of NLP4Kids, and that connection remains a valued part of what I do. This is simply about allowing my own identity within that to come through more clearly.

It is not perfect. I built it myself and I am neither a designer nor a computer buff. But it feels more aligned and I like it more and that is what matters!!

If you have a moment, I would really appreciate you taking a look and letting me know what you think. Honest feedback is welcome, although if it's really bad can you message me directly please?!!

www.newcastlechildtherapy.com

This feels like a small way of marking three years of running my own business. Something I did not expect to do, but something I am very glad I took the leap on.

13/04/2026

Another lovely infographic from The MEHRIT Centre, Ltd. This relates to education but the ideas are equally applicable to parenting. The central point: You can give power to a child without losing any of your own.

For generations, adult–child relationships were built on power ✨over✨.

Even as we’ve given kids more voice and rights, the old self-control mindset still linger, telling us we need to stay in charge at all costs.

This graphic by educator Kristin Wiens offers a wiser reframe: ✨ Power doesn’t have to be a threat.✨ It can be something we give, through understanding, safety, and stress awareness!

09/04/2026

Love this: “I’d rather be aligned with the underdog I love than holding hands with the demand”

I would argue that this applies not just to Pathological Demand Avoidance, but to parenting more broadly. When children are under stress, feeling anxious, or overwhelmed either emotionally or at a sensory level, demand avoidance is a natural protective response.

I talk to parents a lot about the importance of aligning yourself alongside your child, as part of their team, rather than positioning yourself as the expert in charge.

This approach reduces defensiveness and creates the conditions for children to develop the skills they need to manage challenges over time.

If I’m starting from square one, if I have only time to tell you one thing about PDA, this is what I would say. I would say that the most, most, most important thing is that the child knows that you are on their team.

That demands will come and they will exist and they will sometimes feel like they are right in your face, and that your grown-up is your team member when that happens.

Because you, grown-up, are going to be on a team with *somebody*.

You can be on a team with your kid, squaring off against the demand.

Or, you can be on a team with the demand, squaring off against your kid.

If you choose the latter, you choose to hold the demand’s hand, and cherish the demand. Cuddling up to a brick wall while your child stands alone and has to figure out how to fight their way through.

I’m not saying that it’s always easy to stay on your child’s team. To you, the demand they’re facing down might look like a tiny speck. Or, it might look huge but you’re simultaneously facing down your own huge demands and the thought of this little two-person team battling against overwhelming odds makes you want to quit before you’ve even begun.

But I’d rather be aligned with the underdog I love than holding hands with the demand.

24/03/2026

Does anyone else find it harder and harder to find the content that genuinely interests them on their feed? I have to navigate so many posts trying to sell me a course or a gadget to manage my screen but I haven't seen a post from Curious Neuron pop up for ages.

But luckily one did which reminded me to go to the page and see what lovely research summaries were there which might be helpful for me to share with you.

So here is a quick and easy (but still evidence based) explanation of why it is so hard to think under stress. This is one of the most important things to understand when dealing with intense parenting moments. If you are struggling to think straight imagine how your child, with a brain which is both less mature and less experienced, is going to react.

A recent neuroscience review published in Brain, Behavior, & Immunity – Health explains why it can feel harder to think clearly when we are stressed. When the brain detects stress, the body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol.

These chemicals prepare us to react quickly to potential threats, but they also temporarily reduce the activity of the prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for planning, reasoning, and self-control. At the same time, emotional and habit-based brain systems become more active.

Because of this shift in brain activity, people under stress are more likely to react quickly, rely on habits, and focus on immediate solutions rather than thinking through long-term consequences. In everyday life, this helps explain why stressful moments can lead us to snap, make rushed decisions, or respond in ways we later regret.

The research highlights that managing stress is not just about feeling better. It actually helps the brain access the systems needed for thoughtful, calm decision-making.

Think about the last time you reacted in a way you later regretted with your child. Were you feeling stressed, rushed, or overwhelmed in that moment?

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11061251/pdf/main.pdf

19/03/2026

Over the last week I have finished working with two parenting clients that I have been supporting since the back end of last year.

What has been particularly encouraging is seeing how much both families have taken on board from our conversations. Over time they have grown in confidence and are now able to put things into practice themselves without needing the same level of support.

I think parenting coaching can sometimes feel a bit mysterious from the outside. People understandably wonder what actually changes.

When it is done well, two important things tend to happen.

First, parents become much better at staying calm in the face of situations that previously felt overwhelming.

Second, they become far more tuned in to what is really going on underneath a child’s behaviour, and also to what they themselves need in that moment.

Once those skills start to develop, something interesting happens. Parents realise they can do this without someone sitting beside them guiding every step. The support helps them build their own confidence and judgement.

That does not mean they are simply left to it. Both of these clients know they can come back at any time if a new challenge comes up or if they would like a refresher. Parenting is a long game and every stage brings something new.

What stood out to me with these two families was their willingness to stay open. They were prepared to try approaches that did not necessarily feel natural at first, and they were willing to reflect on their own expectations and assumptions about behaviour.

That kind of curiosity and willingness to grow can make a huge difference to family life.

One of the parents I have just finished working with came for support with her teenage daughter.

The other family had three children, all under five.

Completely different life stages. Completely different challenges.

And yet the same underlying principles helped both families move forward.

Understanding behaviour differently and adjusting expectations can transform the way everyday situations play out at home.

Seeing families reach that point is one of the most rewarding parts of the work. It is a privilege to be part of.

19/03/2026

If your child is not attending school they still have a right to an education. This post sets those rights out really clearly for anyone who is going through this

18/03/2026

As you can probably imagine one of the conversations I have most often is about what exactly is going on which is causing so many children to struggle with going to school.

One issue I don’t hear talked about a lot are seating plans, but this is a significant change in direction since I was at school in the 1980s and 90s. Over the last 20 years strict seating plans have become the norm to help with behaviour or classroom management.

Now I’m not saying that kids haven’t always been moved to manage behaviour, of course they have. But what is different now is that kids are rarely given the trust to choose their seat in the first place.

So why does it matter?

For children experiencing anxiety about school, particularly neurodivergent students, where they sit can make a very real difference to how their brain copes with the school day.

Children with ADHD or autism are often working much harder to manage sensory input and attention. Noise, movement, visual distractions and unpredictable activity all compete for their brain’s resources.

Something as simple as sitting near a busy walkway, a doorway, or a group of chatty classmates can quietly push their nervous system into overload.

From the outside it may look like lack of focus. From the inside it can feel more like trying to concentrate while ten radios are playing at once.

Some students benefit from sitting closer to the teacher, where prompts and reassurance are easier. Others concentrate better in quieter areas of the classroom where there is less visual movement.

If a child’s nervous system is constantly trying to filter out distraction, there is far less capacity left for learning.

And what about the importance of relationships?

Who a child sits next to can influence how safe they feel, how connected they feel, and how willing they are to participate.

For some children, being placed next to a supportive peer can increase confidence and engagement.

For others, being separated from familiar classmates can quietly increase anxiety or make the classroom feel less predictable.

There is also a very common strategy of sitting a quiet child next to a child who is harder to manage. While this might reduce the noise levels what if the child is quiet because they are highly anxious? They might be pushed to the point that they aren’t able to focus at all.

So if your child is struggling this is an important factor to understand. And it might be something that you really have to push for, because giving trust and autonomy to children feels challenging in our current education system.

I work with children for whom this is part of their school support plan and yet it is still often ignored.

But it is something that can be easily put in place, costs nothing, and is easily reversed if it doesn’t help.

Who can argue with that?!