18/11/2025
Lady Honour Vows, well-known chronicler of nuptial nonsense across the North East of England—where good intentions are plenty, but planning skills are sometimes… lacking.
1. The Great Pigeon Parade of Pegswood
My dears, let me tell you of the wedding in Pegswood where the couple decided white doves were “too dear” and opted instead for “local pigeons, they’ll do the same job.”
Aye, they did a job, but not the one intended.
When the moment came, Uncle Braydon lifted the lid of the upcycled fruit crate—and out shot a flurry of pigeons who had clearly been fed nothing but leftover chips and spite. They circled once, judged the bride’s pristine dress as the cleanest surface in Northumberland, and… well, let’s just say the gown became avant-garde.
The bride cried, the groom blamed “regional wildlife,” and I noted in my little book: “If you want symbolism, don’t scrimp on the symbolism.”
2. The Cullercoats Cake Catastrophe
In lovely Cullercoats, a pair once decided they’d save money by baking their own wedding cake the night before. A bold choice, considering the groom’s only experience was heating up supermarket garlic bread.
By the time guests arrived, the cake had developed a distinct lean, like the Tower of Pisa but with more buttercream panic. After one enthusiastic toddler poked it (to see “if it was alive”), the structure surrendered and collapsed with a sigh.
The couple gamely pretended it was “deconstructed dessert,” but we all knew the truth:
Some things in life should never be attempted after 11pm, especially with Prosecco involved.
3. The North Shields Nearly-Naked Groom
In North Shields, a groom decided to keep his wedding suit “somewhere safe”—which, in his mind, meant storing it at his mate’s house to keep it away from his fiancée, who he suspected might try to “steam it wrong.”
Morning of the wedding, he realised he had forgotten which mate’s house.
Cue a frantic tour of the town, him in nothing but football shorts and a sash that read “Groom To Be.”
He arrived at the venue 40 minutes late, wearing a suit that had clearly been rescued from the floor behind someone’s sofa. The best man whispered, “It smells faintly of kebab,” which, honestly, only made it more authentic to the region.
4. The Boldon Bouncy Castle Debacle
Oh, Boldon. Where a couple, in their wisdom, decided a bouncy castle would be “a brilliant, unique alternative to a dance floor.”
Now, that’s fine on paper. But they forgot one minor detail: half the wedding party were wearing stilettos sharper than a mother-in-law’s judgement.
Within ten minutes, the castle looked like a deflated whale washed ashore on Seaburn beach. Guests staggered out of the rubber wreckage like shipwreck survivors, and the DJ—poor soul—tried to salvage the moment by suggesting a conga line.
He was rejected with a level of hostility normally reserved for people who talk during toasts.
