30/03/2024
So, I’ve been a bit MIA for a few months and there’s a reason for this.
I wish I had the energy to tell you the full story, but I’ve started new medication and it’s completely wiping me out 🙈 but I’m going to try and piece together what you all deserve to know.
From the outside, I may look like I have it all together. I had a job, I was seeing friends, I was essentially having the time of my life…. Until my FND seizures and mental health started up again.
By no means is this post looking for sympathy, rather it’s to raise awareness of how looking ok from the outside, isn’t always the same as whats going on, on the inside.
The second the clock struck midnight on 1/1/2024 I thought “yes! This is my year!”
My plans were to go to uni in September to study mental health nursing, I was doing an access course and I was savouring each and every moment with my family and friends - both near and far. I was due to get my drivers license back anytime now too! But just as things started to look up, life took a different turn.
I was having repeated seizures due to my FND, which completely and utterly destroyed me as I was doing so well! (They tired me out too to the point I was sleeping all day) and as a result of this, I could no longer work - so I lost my job.
Having a job, and having a purpose is really important to me as it gives me a REASON and a way to distract my brain, so losing this (as well as my drivers license and my overall independence) was really hard on me.
My mental health started to decline and at the time I was only receiving therapy online - so I made the executive decision to find a therapist who works face to face. I’ve exhausted all of my options in my area so decided to go further a field. I found a wonderful lady up in Derby, who specialises in trauma and has this passion for working with vulnerable people, like me - which I appreciate. At this point I was ecstatic - I thought “finally - I’m able to have therapy face to face again!” (Albeit a bit of travelling was involved) I thought that I’d be able to do it! Getting there and coming back was half the battle as well as sitting there and talking about my feelings with a lady who I’ve only very briefly met.
The session itself went really well! However soon, my FND started to play up and what was supposed to be a 50 minute session, turned into 3x back to back seizures and my mum having to drive the hour up to derby to come and ‘save’ me. This destroyed me as I thought that she would never want to work with me again. She understands my condition and has given me more than enough reassurance that this would not be the case.
During the time between that session and our pending session, my mental health severely took a back seat and I was neglecting it and my self care. I went to the GP, discussed my concerns and they increased my dosage of medication, which made my seizures worse. Having all of this going on, my brain couldn’t handle anymore and I was constantly on the phone to support services (which isn’t a bad thing btw)
There were often times where I would be taken to hospital to see AMHAT - a psychological team at my local hospital who assesses you and your mental health and considers whether you need inpatient or outpatient treatment. I liaised with the home treatment team, crisis team and HICU service to which they all said that they couldn’t help me - which, as you can imagine was hard hitting.
Having a mental illness and being told that services who are there to support you - can’t - hurts like hell and makes you feel even smaller in this world than you already do.
Which leads me to where I am today. Currently I am an inpatient on a psychiatric ward. Working hard towards my goals, having frequent ward rounds and working with staff and drs to better myself. I will not lie and say it has been easy - because being on a psychiatric ward isn’t easy and neither is having mental health problems, but the staff have been so caring, nurturing, compassionate and understanding that I couldn’t thank them enough if I tried.
Again, this post isn’t for sympathy nor is it to make people feel sorry for me, rather it is an awareness post - you never know what someone is going through.
There have been discussions about the potential for discharge next week however I don’t know what’s going to happen next - and that’s scary! We’re looking into ways to enhance my independence for when I get discharged but again, I can’t say much even if I wanted to.
I just want to say, if you’re in this position now, you’re not alone. You will never be alone, because mental health doesn’t discriminate. Mental health is such a large part of people’s lives that most of the time just gets brushed under the rug - so take it from me;
- reach out
- talk about how you feel
- have those awkward conversations
And do NOT suffer in silence ❤️
I will be constantly updating you guys with how I’m getting on, but felt like you needed an explanation as to where I have been for the last 3 months.
You’re stronger than you think.
You’re wanted on this earth.
You’re enough.
Kiera x
