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Pirates of Penzance - A Satire Page, Penzance (2025)

23/01/2017

"I was marching for my mum, who died when I was a wee little thing, my sister, who works on a rum runner out of Falmouth, that Ruth lady--all of them. It needs to start with basic things like equal loot for equal pillaging but it goes way beyond that, you know? We really need to start listening to our sister pirates and Pirates of Color and stop getting all defensive and stabbing them when they tell us about their lived piratical experiences. I mean, it goes without saying we all love our Queen; I'm hopeful for a day when we can pledge our fealty to a Pirate Queen too."

Amos Blodgett, Penzance, Cornwall

14/01/2017

"I was in a real rough patch when the Pirate King hired me. I had been drinking, looting, pillaging, and everything just felt empty. I was drinking at least one cask of ###-marked barrels a day. I couldn't even read, but it felt like those X's were marking the map of my soul. My SOUL. But then the King got me into AA, and I've been clean since my last birthday, which sounds short but was actually four years ago because I was born on February 29. This cask doesn't actually have anything in it; my therapist recommended it to me as immersion therapy, and it actually provides a nice form of piratical yoga. Oh, and yes, I do in fact love our Queen."

Broderick Maddox, Penzance, Cornwall

13/01/2017

"We do quite a few little theatrical productions, actually, to fill the time between raids. Of course, the King's always been a bit of a song-and-dance man, but a lot of us really appreciate the classics. I was doing Brutus' big speech from Julius Caesar here. There was a lot of joking around about whether we were actually going to stab ol' Coggins, who was playing Caesar, in the back or not but, in the end, I think it was a pretty minor wound. Anything for art, you know?"

Cragford Binns, Penzance, Cornwall

11/01/2017

"What immediately impressed me were the educational initiatives on board. My governess was a person experiencing dyslexia, so when my parents wrote her, instructing that I was to train in pilates, well, you can guess where it went from there. Well, the Pirate King took her in, having had some experience with ambiguous lateral consonants resulting in piratical professions, and developed a comprehensive teaching system that really turned life around for her. Now, she's teaching calisthenics to indigent, formerly royal buccaneers who wanted to captain ships without equal, but had no place to dock them--the Poor Peerless Pierless Peers Pilot's Pirates Pilates, she calls it. It's really turned around a lot of my friends who were becoming too sedentary in their lifestyle. What's great is that every class begins with 'God Save the Queen,' because, of course, we love her."

- Gideon Quenby, Penzance, Cornwall

11/01/2017

"I always kind of thought of myself as an outsider, so it's been a surprise to find myself part of such a supportive network here. I know it's a cliché, but really, if you take a bunch of orphans and stick them on a ship with lots of weaponry and alcohol, they really do become like family. Of course, we're all noblemen so most of us actually are second or third cousins, but it's not like we were close before or anything. I think the Pirate King deserves a lot of credit for setting the tone. And of course, it helps that we do all love our Queen."

Hezekiah Stubbs, Penzance, Cornwall

10/01/2017

"Arrr. Just...arrr."

Reginald O'Flanagan, Penzance, Cornwall

10/01/2017

"My dad always used to have his muskets laid out in rows on his jacket. I guess that's where I picked it up from. I've been seeing him more and more when I look in the mirror recently. I'd like to think he'd really appreciate the advances we've made in pillaging these days. Of course, we still love our Queen."

Tristram de Wimsey, Penzance, Cornwall

10/01/2017

"I was in a real rough patch when the Pirate King hired me. I had been drinking, looting, pillaging, and everything just felt empty. I was drinking at least one cask of ###-marked barrels a day. I couldn't even read, but it felt like those X's were marking the map of my soul. My SOUL. But then the King got me into AA, and I've been clean since my last birthday, which sounds short but was actually four years ago because I was born on February 29. This cask doesn't actually have anything in it; my therapist recommended it to me as immersion therapy, and it actually provides a nice form of piratical yoga. Oh, and yes, I do in fact love our Queen."

Broderick Maddox, Penzance, Cornwall

10/01/2017

"What I love is being able to make my own hours. I think that's deeply meaningful in this day and age. I used to be a chimney sweep. Don't get me wrong--I loved all the singing and musical numbers that goes along with being a chimney sweep. But I wanted to live life on my own terms, you know? The flex schedule here is great, and the songs are a lot better. Like, what is "chim-chim-i-ney" about anyway? That's ridiculous. Now I get to sing about actual things. ACTUAL things. Pirate sherry. Pirate glasses. Pirate bumpers. Life preservers. These have real relevance in our world. I wouldn't give it up for anything. Oh, and, yes, I do love our Queen."

- Cuthbert Abner, Penzance, Cornwall

Pirates of Penzance - A Satire Page

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