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What a bummer, Perth (2025)

01/12/2024

2 years Cancer free today 🎉
Feels like quite a milestone. I’ve had various tests to confirm: a colonoscopy (9 months later than planned as the poor NHS is on its knees!), a CT scan and blood tests. The hospital gowns and cannulas are still kinda triggering, but all tests were clear. They found a polyp but removed it and biopsied it and no signs of Mr C - yay!

I am fully in Menopause, which is not much fun. I’ve felt emotional (even more than usual!), insecure, anxious, paranoid and at times sad. I’ve been told at times I’m being sensitive which is tough when you can’t really help it. But am trying hard not to be when I can. The brain fog is real - I lack concentration, feel confused at times and am extremely forgetful. It’s quite frightening, feeling like you’re losing something of yourself. This whole experience has definitely changed me, in more ways than one.

I appreciate why some people choose to keep the stoma bag, it’s been a rough ride since the reversal. As much as I hated having it, I now have LARS (Low anterior resection syndrome) which is a collection of symptoms that people who have undergone a partial or total bowel resection might have. TMI warning - my symptoms include, frequency and urgency, loose and incomplete bowel movements, meaning I often need to revisit the bathroom multiple times. It’s depressing and exhausting at times, and adds to the anxiety every time I’m going to be out of the house, especially if I’m not sure where the toilet is, or even if there is one. Like travelling on public transport for example can be pretty stressful. I often don’t eat prior to things like when I’m going to gym for example.
But it doesn’t stop me making the most of, and enjoying life - and it won’t.

I know the Cancer is theoretically behind me, but it’s still often present in some form or another.

I have been to a nutritionist and was told to completely cut out a selection of foods, which I did for 30 days, and reintroduce them one at a time - only strawberries, too much dairy and baked potatoes seem to have a definitive adverse effect. Back to the drawing board with that as some foods definitely have a worse effect than others although there isn’t an obvious pattern…

In positive news, I have been wild swimming since July, I try to go weekly with a friend when schedules allow, and it’s amazing. Apart from a major mishap a few weeks ago when we stupidly stayed in way too long and it took about 3-4 hours for me to stop shivering! Lesson learnt and now only staying in for one minute per degree Celsius. I have thermo gloves and socks to protect my digits as still have the peripheral neuropathy, although much much better than it was, still stings a bit when touching extreme cold.
The swimming is so rejuvenating though and life affirming - sounds really pretentious perhaps - but it’s true for me. There are lots of physical health benefits but it’s more a mental thing, a real sense of accomplishment. We are warriors!

I am going to the gym three times a week which is great, I am getting stronger physically and feel great when my trainer increases my weights. It definitely helps my mental health too, it’s my time, my space and my rehab.

I was bridesmaid to one of lovely best friends in August, the day after I was diagnosed I called to tell said friend, she just bluntly said “you can’t go anywhere, I want you with me at my wedding and for you to be bridesmaid!” She apparently had intended to ask me in a more eloquent way but it was another reason for me to fight, and I did, and I was there with her, and it was marvellous!

Iain’s fabulous, and the children are doing amazing. I catch myself thinking it’s so awesome to see how far they’ve come and what they love and what they’re doing, and also how that might not have been the case. And I hope I will see them become teenagers and adults. There’s no reason why I won’t, but that ni**le never seems to completely go away.

Today I got to celebrate by putting up the Christmas decorations, which I love, and enjoying a lovely hamper my dad gifted us.

Live each day, be kind and love yourself and those around you. Enjoy the festivities as best you can and celebrate life, cause it’s too short not to! x

01/12/2023

Pinch punch it’s the first of the month! Pinch me for real cause I cannot believe it…

1 YEAR Cancer FREE TODAY!! Woohoo!

That’s gone quick! (I think because of the bag it doesn’t feel like a year, like that was an extension of the Cancer?!). I am waiting for my colonoscopy check but recently had a blood test and CT scan and all is looking good 👍

‘Free’ is a relative term… I still check every time I wipe for anything sinister. I had 7 months with a stoma bag which wasn’t my favourite thing! I am still retraining my bowel, which hasn’t been without horrifying incidents! I compulsively have to go to the toilet numerous times before I leave the house to try and make sure I am ‘empty’. I feel very anxious going anywhere where I won’t have access to a toilet - even doing the school run which is a 30 minute round walk and wait.
I have definitely lost confidence, in my body, how I look and how I feel. Going out with my kids alone worries me incase I am caught short and have to herd them along.
I feel regular anxieties I’ve never felt before.
But all of these are still way better than having the bag for me, an alien strapped to my body. And of course they are all a result of not having Cancer!

On the bright side, I am getting stronger and healthier. I am eating healthier (mostly), I have changed some habits for life, like skincare and the products I use.
I have an immense amount of gratitude for the time I have with my children and my wonderfully supportive family and friends.

Being human, having been through a lot and being quite sensitive (and menopausal may I add!) I carry people’s opinions, like many of us do I think. I wish I didn’t care what people say or do or think, but negativity weighs heavily on me.
But I am starting to have less tolerance for other peoples nonsense (although that may just be an age thing? Lol), which I feel slightly lighter for.

I am trying to ‘live for the day’ - I recently plunged off a slide into a freezing Loch (amazing!) and also went go karting which I was nervous of, especially after eating lunch and not having access to a toilet, but it was a blast and I had a great time!
I cried as I left the gym the other day as I was so overwhelmed I could do an exercise (and do it well may I add!) and I didn’t think I would be able to.

I cannot thank enough those who had such unwavering faith in me that carried me through. I know I am one of the very lucky ones who did beat Cancer and will never take that for granted!

I am more reflective. If you’re not happy with aspects of your life, change them. I read something recently that hit a nerve.
“Make your life 100% your responsibility. Don’t blame your parents, circumstances or anyone for your misery.”
I feel there is too much of this, excuses and blame for peoples own unhappiness. You have the power, make the changes you are in control to make. Be responsible and Be Happy!! We only get one shot and life is too damn short.

My Christmas wish is that everyone out there fighting the wretched disease, and those effected by it, has someone to hold, love, support and listen to them ❤️

Every day is worth celebrating, but today feels a little extra special for me ❤️ x

16/08/2023

Hi 👋
I’ve had some messages from people asking how I am so thought I’d do a diary entry!

I am now 6 weeks post stoma reversal op. It’s not been the easiest ride. First week was no fun, i was in hospital for 5 days and my daughter couldn’t even look at me as I had a tube in my nose. Coming home I was so scared I’d have no control, I was extremely shocked when I was completely constipated & nothing happened at all for a few days. I wasn’t eating loads but my tummy started to get sore so I took laxido, the next day I took some more. Then it all happened! I had no control 😳 I also had haemorrhoids from straining and didn’t leave the toilet for around 24 hours. Think Johnny Cash… 🔥 TMI apologies 😂

Week 3 was better & since… I get caught & rush at times but no longer have dire urgency, I am learning some foods are a no no for now, unfortunately anything spicy - Indian, Mexican, chilli, sweet chilli (a fav).

I also have a situation where I think i’m finished on the toilet & I have to go back once or twice until I am fully done. This is because they removed part of my bowel and it’s shortened the space that would fill up pre p**p, so I go, finish, and then it refills. Does that make sense? This will probably be the same forever as nothings growing back. But I can live with that.

I didn’t like having the ileostomy, some people prefer it, I did not. I am a little anxious still & don’t like being too far from a toilet, especially after eating, but it’s manageable.

In other marvellous news - I had my first CEA tumor marker blood test and it’s come back clear/normal/good! 🎉
I will have these annually, as well as my scans & colonoscopies for 5 years. It’s a little distressing, I just want it all to be over and done with. But I completely appreciate all the checks are for good reason & reassurance. And I know how lucky I am to be at the stage with no Cancer and getting my life and health back! 🙏

I was told no driving or lifting post op for 6-8 weeks - the reality with two young children & the summer holidays was 3 weeks rest and then life went on - but we had a ball. Making the most of my bag less existence & time with my family ❤️

07/07/2023

I am home! Home Sweet Home indeed!
On the sofa beside my husband where I belong ❤️

Lots of bandages, liquid morphine & pain killers in tow but at least I’ll be in my own bed with my own wee crew! & I will be well again 🙏

The kids have had a lovely few days with their grandparent, C came in & gave me a huge cuddle & lots of kisses - such a relief! She would not come near me in hospital which was heartbreaking. J gave me a big hug too but he’s old enough to know not to jump up on me & be careful for a wee while. I’ve got some ideas of activities I can do with both kids that won’t be too strenuous for me, & hopefully they enjoy them as they are quite active kids! 🫣

No heavy lifting for 6-8 wks meaning I can’t pick up my children AGAIN 🙄 It drives me insane - it’s one of the worst parts of this whole situation. I know it’s short term & not forever but anyone with young children & babies, in their lives in any capacity, can hopefully understand how horrid it is not to be able to scoop them up & give them a cuddle, especially as their mother 😢

But I can & I will hold them again & for that I am eternally grateful.

A cup of tea in my sexy anti-embolism stockings & a nice hot shower to wash away the remnants of ECG electrodes & iodine from the surgery, sticky bandages from the aftermath & ... well the Cancer it feels! I know the stoma wasn’t Cancer, but it was related, & now it’s gone I think I will really start to properly move on. Away from this whole episode & on with my life.

There will be check up scans and hurdles but for now I couldn’t be happier, more grateful or more relieved.

Lots of exciting things happening over the next year or so… I am a bridesmaid (eek 👏), holidays, hen dos, birthdays, lots of activities & fun experiences to be had, & lots of quality time with family & friends ❤️

I am here for it all! (& I mean that in the actual physical sense as well as the cool down with the kids urban slang sense! 😉)

06/07/2023

3am update - So excited! 🥳💩

Just a smear but brown none the less… ❤️

AMAZING! 🥹

05/07/2023

The ilestomy is no more! 🥳

I was asked to come in at 7.30am as I was first on the list, 10 hours later I went to theatre 🙄 I get it that someone else’s need was greater & they were bumped up the list, but their reason for it frustrated me, which I shan’t say here. Anyway, it is done & over & the bag is gone! A school friend who’s a nurse here spotted my name & escorted me to theatre which was lovely to see a familiar face when the anxiety was in full force!

I am grateful for the stoma & the part it played in my healing but I am glad to see the back of it. Whether I never allowed myself to ‘get used to it’ or ‘come to terms with it’ as I knew it was temporary I’m not sure, but I never accepted it. It leaked, it made my skin sore, it stuck out, it made me paranoid about leaks, what I wore, what I looked like.

But now it’s gone & I am two days into post op recovery. I am tired and sore. I have a drain in my stomach & a horrid tube up my nose & down my throat. I’m on a liquid diet of clear soup, jelly, mousse & oral morphine!

I have however broken wind which the nurses are most excited about 🤭 and it means hopefully I’ll get the nose tube out & some soft food soon 👍

A strange feeling passing wind after 7 months!! No smell as I guess there’s no food but it was audible 🫣

Luckily i’m in a side room which is lovely! I met some really nice people when I was in here in Dec for my main op but it was noisy in the bay of the ward, so this is a little treat to have a wee room to myself. The nurses & staff are all wonderful

I’ve had a few visitors which is lovely, & Iain let me beat him at cards!

The kids came in & C wouldn’t come near me with this tube in my face, it was horrible. I hope she’s not traumatised & will be up for cuddles when I get home. It’s the worst part of this whole thing, being away from them.

Not long hopefully until i’m home, & this does feel like the beginning of the end. The stoma has unfortunately been a constant physical reminder of my Cancer, so hopefully it going is another step to moving on & putting this chapter behind me.

As ever, thank you for following my journey, for your kind words of love and support.

29/06/2023

A year ago today I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer.

My mind flooded…my baby only 10 months old & my son just 5! Iain - would he remarry?! Was this going to be a battle for years, was it the end of the line for me?
The horror is unreal as each reality & fear hit me like a brick.

The next day my daughter ‘graduated’ baby class, I took her cause I didn’t know what else to do? My son burst his cheek open & had to go to A&E to get glued! 🤯

A week later - best phone call of my life - it was treatable & hadn’t spread! From then all I did was fight. I had bad days, bloody awful days & better days.

J started school, C turned One, we had mini breaks, a holiday, a hen do, a wedding, Halloween and Christmas, went to gigs, a cocktail festival, a beer festival and a music festival! We had days out, days in. I had radiotherapy (incl. some new tattoo dots!), chemotherapy and surgery. Through it all Iain & the kids have smiled & laughed with me, kept me going! I’ve changed how I eat & exercise, my skincare - what I put in & on my body. We’ve been on a steam train, a boat trip, an aeroplane, went to the golf, did DIY. Celebrated and cried. My gorgeous granny died at 99 & I managed to speak at her funeral, both my parents turned 70 & I was there to celebrate with them, J turned 6. I felt sick, sore and at times, defeated. I realised how much I have to fight for & how strong I really am.

A year has passed & whilst we’re still picking up the pieces emotionally & physically (it’s put me in early menopause and I’ve been living with a temp stoma bag, being reversed next week!) we are getting stronger, happier & can breathe again.

My husband is a saint! He’s so patient, caring, supportive, encouraging, the best father & partner. My family & my friends - compassionate, supportive, understanding, kind, generous… from having some of the worst luck going, I surprisingly feel like the luckiest girl in the world!

A year wow - some of it’s gone so fast & some of it was painfully slow…
But here we are, today my sons last day of P1! They’re getting piped out of the school & there will be tears! 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿
But big fat happy tears! I am here & can celebrate it all ❤️

08/06/2023

This is not a sympathy post, this is a gratitude post. I am proud of myself today and everyday, for what I’ve achieved, what I’ve overcome and for sharing and helping others 🙏

Three years ago today we met and held our little baby who was stillborn at 20 weeks. I will never forget the tinnest little face, ears, hands… I lost a piece of my heart that day and will never forget the sheer agony of losing our baby.
Two months later we reregistered for the IVF waiting list, being told it would be about 9 months. Giving us time to grieve, come to terms with what had happened and decide if we wanted to risk it again, physically and emotionally.
Just 3 months later we got the call to say there was a space. We didn’t think long and somewhat insanely decided now or never. Something inside told me to go for it!
Halfway through I was told there was only 4 follicles. The doctor advised us to abandon the round and return at a later date… we just couldn’t give up and decided to carry on. They got 2 eggs, one fertilised to blastocyst and that little fighter of an embryo is our larger than life daughter who’ll be turning 2 in August!

I know how resilient I am, I know I have strength. But I also have fear, I have been so scared at times, facing these ‘challenges’. But I think all I want to say is, today I will be thinking of you all day our little baby, but I also smile and will enjoy my day as best I can, and feel proud of all I’ve achieved and can feel grateful and so very lucky for all that I have!

‘I don’t know how you coped’ people say - you do it because you have to, what choice is there but to allow your feelings, ride the wave and come out the other side.

‘Go with your gut’ people say and this was so true.

Cancer, miscarriage, IVF, pregnancy, infertility, mental and physical health - Fight, and never give up! ❤️

02/06/2023

Apologies for the graphics!!

Unexpected Menopause symptom - Nosebleeds… who knew?! Probably loads of people except me 🙄😂

6 bleeds in as many days, not massive but massively irritating when it drips on your clothes unexpectedly 🫣

23/05/2023

The past month I’ve had some amazing high times & some really crappy lows.

I’ve had some serious struggles with my stoma bag, a few bad batches perhaps. It’s horrific when it leaks in the night & I have to change it & the bed sheets at 3am, but when it’s out in public it’s unbearable. It’s only happened twice & not seeped through my outer wear that anyone else would know - but I know! The horror of it honestly… 🥺 even one of my friends cried sensing my anguish!

And when food gets stuck and blocks it, the pain is crippling. Mushrooms are my nemesis! We found an apple crumble in the freezer - score! But after heating it realised I’d made it with raisins so had to pick them out, takes away from the joy 🙄

We’ve been on holiday to Majorca, a celebration! The weather wasn’t perfect, but the company was, Iain, the kids & one of my best friends & her family too.

It isn’t a ‘holiday’ per se with young kids is it… in & out the pool, playing, sun-creaming, feeding. I didn’t pick up my book once. But it was wonderful! I cherish it all. My bag behaved 90% of the time, good enough. Some days I felt very conscious and covered up in a black shirt, some days I thought f*ck it and jumped in the pool carefree as you like! I’m just riding the wave, taking it as it comes.

I ended up on the floor of the plane as C was a wriggling (tired but wouldn’t sleep, didn’t have a seat of her own under 2) nightmare, we were all tired & stressed. But she climbed on my lap & we cosied, read a story & played a game with J too. It was great. I know I am emotional, even more than usual, but these small moments I could cry with joy. I am alive, & healthy & have my miracle IVF babies & we were able to go on a family holiday - I couldn’t feel luckier!

I’m still speaking to a counsellor.
I’m on HRT.
I’m still waiting for a date for my ilestomy reversal.
I have a cold & my ear hasn’t popped since the plane pressure.

But, also:
I’m not taking things for granted.
I’m meeting friends for food, walks, days out.
I’m going to the gym when I can.
I’m enjoying the kids. Trying not to sweat the small stuff.
I have plans with Iain too which I can’t wait for!
Quality time ❤️

20/04/2023

Case in point of ‘sharing’s caring’ (see video below), a friend saw my post yesterday about being diagnosed with Menopause and has ordered me a lovely book as a gift, that she also gave to her sister going through the same!

How wonderful is that! ❤️

Hopefully an interesting read… I will let you know!

🤗

What a bummer

01/12/2024

01/12/2023

16/08/2023

07/07/2023

06/07/2023

05/07/2023

29/06/2023

08/06/2023

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23/05/2023

20/04/2023

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