10/09/2025
TRIGGER WARNING!
In October 2021, I came home from work happy, my old self having just had a great day. I sat down with family, ate dinner, listening to the children play, chatting about my day...nothing unusual.
At around 7pm, something switched in my head, I lost control, I felt like an explosion had gone off in my head, my thoughts racing, reflecting on all of things I didn't have. I felt worthless, defeated, a waste of space!
I took my keys, jumped in my car and headed for the severn bridge! It was dark, it was cold, it was getting late...the roads were quiet! I carefully parked my car out of eye view and walked several metres to the middle of the bridge, I climbed over the raillings and sat precariously on the cold concrete lip, my thought running, mulling over my options. My plan was to jump, be gone from this world to end it all!! I sat alone for many hours, waiting for the moment, my head filled with demons!
As I sat there, a brief moment of guilt over powered me, this guilt made me rethink my options, my plan...I started to question the what if's, what if I didn't succeed and it ended in long term damage, the pressure on my wife and children...that guilt I had, was I promised to make my Daughters birthday cake and felt bad to let her down!
After what felt like a lifetime of thinking, I got back, drove home and on arrival I was met by 2 police officers who were already in my house chatting to my wife, getting details of my description, putting together a vulnerable persons poster, planning a search.
We spoke deeply about what had happened, my reasons for the thoughts and interestingly I was asked why I didnt jump.
The 1 police officer was very macho in stature, he was mauri, had tattoos all over him, a shaved head...a stereotypical young, hard faced, judgemental person who didn't understand...I was very wrong!
Thanks to that officer I changed my life... he listened, he understood, he didn't judge, he empathised, he gave strong advice, his message was clear, his words stuck with me. He said this;
'Craig, I hear you, I feel your pain but my advice is this, don't take everything you see or read literally, all of the social media posts claiming new cars, successful businesses, financial stability, multiple holidays, smily faces are fabrications of the truth, not everything you see is real, stop comparing yourself and start appreciating what you do have, you have a beautiful home, a loving family, food on the table and the security of a job you love, why focus on what you havent got?'
This was my turning point, I sought professional help, I had counselling, made some heavy lifestyle changes, I am now 4 years dry, I don't use social media for personal use, I culled the negativity and started to make good of the things I have!
As I write this, I am winning at life, no more medication, no more intrusive thoughts or doubt! I appreciate the small wins and let the big things happen..I still have off days but thats ok!
Stay strong 💙
