05/01/2026
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Parents of Autistic children and teenagers are still, far too often, blamed and shamed for their child’s behaviour which are in fact Autistic traits.
This may look subtler than it did decades ago, but the message is often the same:
if only the parenting were different, the child would cope better.
This belief has deep roots. The now-discredited “refrigerator mother” theory once claimed that Autism was caused by cold, emotionally distant parenting. Although this theory has long been rejected, its echoes still linger in professional attitudes today.
Many parents are still given advice that doesn’t work for their Autistic child — or that actively makes things worse — because it isn’t grounded in a real understanding of Autism. When parents say, “This won’t work for my child,” they are often not heard. Refusing to follow unsuitable advice can quickly lead to being labelled a “difficult parent”.
Meanwhile, the child or young person is left without the right support.
What is still rarely acknowledged is that parents themselves are often Neurodivergent. When parental neurodivergence isn’t taken into account, both the child and the parent risk being misunderstood, judged, and inadequately supported.
I work with many parents who carry deep guilt and self-blame — who feel they are failing their children — when in reality they are navigating systems that judge rather than support them. And when parents eventually become firmer or more assertive, often after years of being unheard, they are labelled “difficult”.
Parents are not the problem.
A system that judges families instead of supporting them is.
For counsellors working with parents of Neurodivergent children, gentle shame-reducing prompts might include:
“Given everything you’re managing, how hard has this been for you?”
“What have you been carrying on your own that no one has really acknowledged?”
“When did you start believing this was your fault?”
“What would change if we saw this as a support issue rather than a parenting failure?”
“What do you already know about your child that others may have overlooked?”
“How have you been surviving in a system that hasn’t met your family’s needs?”
“What would compassion for yourself look like here?”
Picture description / alt text:
A group of five adults sitting together around a wooden table in a warmly lit café or pub. They are smiling and leaning in towards one another, creating a close, relaxed atmosphere. Menus, cups, and a phone rest on the table, with a bar area and soft lighting visible in the background.
