Mandy Bowler Therapy

21/04/2023

I love this:
"According to Psychologists, there are four types of Intelligence:

1) Intelligence Quotient (IQ)
2) Emotional Quotient (EQ)
3) Social Quotient (SQ)
4) Adversity Quotient (AQ)

1. Intelligence Quotient (IQ): this is the measure of your level of comprehension. You need IQ to solve maths, memorize things, and recall lessons.

2. Emotional Quotient (EQ): this is the measure of your ability to maintain peace with others, keep to time, be responsible, be honest, respect boundaries, be humble, genuine and considerate.

3. Social Quotient (SQ): this is the measure of your ability to build a network of friends and maintain it over a long period of time.

People that have higher EQ and SQ tend to go further in life than those with a high IQ but low EQ and SQ. Most schools capitalize on improving IQ levels while EQ and SQ are played down.

A man of high IQ can end up being employed by a man of high EQ and SQ even though he has an average IQ.

Your EQ represents your Character, while your SQ represents your Charisma. Give in to habits that will improve these three Qs, especially your EQ and SQ.

Now there is a 4th one, a new paradigm:

4. The Adversity Quotient (AQ): The measure of your ability to go through a rough patch in life, and come out of it without losing your mind.

When faced with troubles, AQ determines who will give up, who will abandon their family, and who will consider su***de.

Parents please expose your children to other areas of life than just Academics. They should adore manual labour (never use work as a form of punishment), Sports and Arts.

Develop their IQ, as well as their EQ, SQ and AQ. They should become a multifaceted human being."

19/07/2022

This is powerful:
A friend sent me this today and I thought this group would appreciate it.

What would happen
if you removed the thought ‘anxious’
and just paid attention
to these flickering sensations in the belly?
What would happen
if you took away the word ‘lonely’
and simply became fascinated
with this heavy feeling in the heart area?
What would happen
if you deleted the concept ‘sick’
or ‘broken’ or ‘wrong’
and just got curious about
the tightness in the throat
the pressure in the head
the ache in the shoulders?
What would happen
if you stopped looking for solutions
and checked to see
if there was actually a problem here?
Come out of the exhausting storyline, friend.
Come closer to yourself.
Commit sacred awareness to a single living moment.
Bring warmth to the tender place inside.
Infuse sensation
with the light of attention.
Maybe
it’s not as bad
as you
think.
– Jeff Foster

12/06/2022

I like this! I see that there are times when being in our comfort zone is exactly what we need, to keep safe and take stock. And there are times when we might find ourselves in the fear zone, or oscillating between the two. The more we break through the fear zone and journey into the learning zone and beyond, the smaller the barrier between the two becomes.
I love the 'act despite fear'. It reminds us that fear is part of being human, that when we accept it as such we begin to overcome its bindings. We take the fear with us.
Perhaps we can travers in and out of each layer in this model, taking aspects of one into another...a sense of control while setting ambitious goals.
Have a play with this. Where are you now? Don't judge yourself if you are not where you want to be. Awareness is enough.

07/03/2022

Therapy is a process and requires work and commitment. There are no magic wands and three wishes. It's a beautiful exploration of us, our patterns, the influences on our lives and the willingness to take a risk or try a new way of being. There are truths and myths, cul de sacs and dual carriageways. The person who took lifetime to create cannot be changed in a few hours with a therapist, and neither should they be.

26/12/2021

Move towards the difficult emotions. Allow and accept. Hiding from them, resisting them and seeing them as unnatural and dangerous is much harder work.

Ways to deal with difficult emotions.

26/10/2021

Feel, acknowledge, accept.

08/07/2021

All feelings are valid. My clients will recall me saying this time and again. We fight with the negative ones: fear, anger, anxiety, sadness as if they should be banished, as if we shouldn't be feeling them. They are valid and are often the catalyst we need for change. Accept all feelings. All feelings are valid. https://www.facebook.com/1830798057199234/posts/2976751992603829/

What do you usually do with difficult feelings? Are you a push-awayer, a throw-outer, or a befriender?

A push-awayer usually pushes uncomfortable feelings away into some deep dark hidden corner of themselves and pretends that they are not there. Sometimes it works for a while but there's only so much that can get pushed down and scrunched up before it starts bursting out at the edges.

A throw-outer manages difficult feelings by trying to throw them out at the world, often at another person. They try to get rid of the discomfort by making someone else be the sad, mad, or bad feeling one. Again, sometimes it works for a short time, but it's like those feelings are elastic and they just keep boomeranging back again!

A befriender reminds themselves that there are no 'bad' feelings. All feelings, even the really uncomfortable or difficult ones have important information that needs to be seen, heard, and understood. Difficult feelings go away when they've done their job of letting us know that something is wrong and they know we have listened.

The amazing graphic is by who has all kinds of other amazing images at https://dearruksi.com/

06/07/2021

For those having a hard time understanding their young adults...good to know.

Dear Mum and Dad,

Please stick with me.

I can’t think clearly right now because there is a rather substantial section of my prefrontal cortex missing. It’s a fairly important chunk, something having to do with rational thought. You see, it won’t be fully developed until I’m about 25. And from where I sit, 25 seems a long way off.

But here's what i want my parents to know..

My brain is not yet fully developed

It doesn’t matter that I’m smart; even a perfect score on my math test doesn’t insulate me from the normal developmental stages that we all go through. Judgement and intelligence are two completely distinct things.

And, the same thing that makes my brain wonderfully flexible, creative and sponge-like also makes me impulsive. Not necessarily reckless or negligent but more impulsive than I will be later in life.

Please stick with me.

So when you look at me like I have ten heads after I’ve done something “stupid” or failed to do something “smart,” you’re not really helping.

You adults respond to situations with your prefrontal cortex (rationally) but I am more inclined to respond with my amygdala (emotionally). And when you ask, “What were you thinking?” the answer is I wasn’t, at least not in the way you are. You can blame me, or you can blame mother nature, but either way, it is what it is.

At this point in my life, I get that you love me, but my friends are my everything. Please understand that. Right now I choose my friends, but, don’t be fooled, I am watching you. Carefully.

Please stick with me.
......

Here’s what you can do for me

1. Model adulting.
I see all the behaviors that you are modeling and I hear all of the words you say. I may not listen but I do hear you. I seem impervious to your advice, like I’m wearing a Kevlar vest but your actions and words are penetrating. I promise. If you keep showing me the way, I will follow even if I detour many, many times before we reach our destination.

2. Let me figure things out for myself.

If you allow me to experience the consequences of my own actions I will learn from them. Please give me a little bit of leash and let me know that I can figure things out for myself. The more I do, the more confidence and resilience I will develop.

3. Tell me about you.

I want you to tell me all the stories of the crazy things you did as a teen, and what you learned from them. Then give me the space to do the same.

4. Help me with perspective.

Keep reminding me of the big picture. I will roll my eyes at you and make all kinds of grunt-like sounds. I will let you know in no uncertain terms that you can’t possibly understand any of what I’m going through. But I’m listening. I really am. It’s hard for me to see anything beyond the weeds that I am currently mired in. Help me scan out and focus on the long view. Remind me that this moment will pass.

5. Keep me safe.

Please remind me that drugs and driving don’t mix. Keep telling me that you will bail me out of any dangerous situation, no anger, no lectures, no questions asked. But also let me know over and over and over that you are there to listen, when I need you.

6. Be kind.

I will learn kindness from you and if you are relentless in your kindness to me, someday I will imitate that behavior. Don’t ever mock me, please and don’t be cruel. Humor me-I think I know everything. You probably did as well at my age. Let it go.

7. Show interest in the things I enjoy.

Some days I will choose to share my interests with you, and it will make me feel good if you validate those interests, by at least acting interested.

One day when the haze of adolescence lifts, you will find a confident, strong, competent, kind adult where a surly teenager once stood. In the meantime, buckle in for the ride.

and.. Please stick with me.

Love,

Your Teenager
....

By Helene Wingens
https://grownandflown.com/letter-from-teen-to-parents/

27/04/2021

In those moments of crisis...have a go at this.

06/04/2021

I really like this Podcast on fear. Take time to listen or read the transcript.

Fear is part of the human condition.

Many of us are experiencing it more intensely right now because of what’s going in the world and in our personal lives. And this fear more often than not is manifesting itself as anger or frustration.

Whether it's the pandemic, politics, brutality, racism, or another scary thing happening in our world, fear is a normal response—but it doesn’t have to result in you feeling crazy, immobilized, or obsessed.

In today’s podcast episode, Brooke is sharing how we can find and acknowledge our fear, process it, and then utilize it in a way that serves ourselves and others.

Click the link below to find out how to use fear to find the energy to produce, help, serve, and be useful instead of being upset and paralyzed by it. 🙌

thelifecoachschool.com/podcast/333

07/01/2021

Good to know...

We all could do with of these today.

16/04/2020

The power of "and" over "but". Try this but see how you feel, or try this and see how you feel.

* Yes, And *
Why do we feel the need to justify or minimise our emotions?
If you listen, you'll hear it all the time, the good old 'Yes, but'..... yes I'm sad, but I'm fine.... yes it was difficult, but it is what it is... yes i am hurt, but I just need to pull myself together.
STOP!! It doesn't have to be this way.
It's okay to feel, regardless of what those feeling are. It is also okay, and perfectly normal, to feel opposite or contradictory feelings at once. Parts of you might well be fine, but the parts of you that are scared, hurt, happy, angry etc need to be heard too.
Let's try 'YES, AND' today 💚

10/04/2020

Using the breath to regulate emotions is one of the simplest and powerful interventions I know of. It is appropriate for all ages, it's free, it can be done anywhere by anyone, and it doesn't take a lot of time, space, or other resources.

"One of the reasons why breathing can change how we feel is that emotions and breathing are closely connected. A revealing research study by Pierre Phillipot showed that different emotional states are associated with distinct respiration patterns. In Phillipot's study, participants came in and were instructed to generate emotions like sadness, fear, anger and happiness to the best of their ability. While they were experiencing the emotions, Phillipot's team requested participants to closely observe and report on their own respiration patterns.

The research team found that each emotion was associated with a distinct pattern of breath. For example, when the participants felt anxious or afraid, they breathed more quickly and shallowly and when they felt happy, they breathed slowly and fully. Even more interesting was the follow-up study in which the researchers invited in a different group of participants into their lab and instructed them to breathe in the patterns they had observed corresponded to emotions. The researchers literally told the participants how to breathe and then asked them how they felt. Lo and behold, the participants started to feel the emotions that corresponded to the breathing patterns!

This finding is revolutionary: We can change how we feel using our breath! Given the fact that it is so difficult to change one’s emotions using thoughts alone - try "talking yourself out of" intense anger or anxiety - , learning to use the breath becomes a very powerful tool. Since it is so difficult "talk" our way out of our feelings, we can learn to "breathe" our way through them."

21/03/2020

So...we're adjusting to a new normal. But it's an anxious time for all sorts of reasons, mainly feeling out of control. This document has many valuable tips and suggestions, and explains the harmless physiology of worry.
https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/free-guide-to-living-with-worry-and-anxiety-amidst-global-uncertainty/

Accept your feelings, they're all valid.

Exposure therapy is the single most effective treatment for anxiety. Learn how to supercharge the way you help your clients to face their fears.

16/03/2020

Advice on protecting your mental health during the coronavirus outbreak.

12/03/2020

https://www.facebook.com/137414096345181/posts/2948138598606036/

Can we take a moment to check in about the fear in the air?

The sensitive among us are really feeling it right now, and I think it’s essential that, in moments like these, we acknowledge and work with fear itself, not simply the circumstances causing the fear in the first place.

Here are a few of the tools I reach for when my own fear is trying to run the show:

1. Witnessing the trembling child within.

Though we may feel completely consumed by our fears at times, we are not. There is always a part of us that is not afraid, but witnessing ourselves feeling fearful. With practice, we can learn to access this wise, centered, divinely-connected part of who we are anytime we’re feeling anxious or unsettled.

Try it for a moment. Close your eyes, take a deep breath, and realize that you are not only the trembling child gripped by her fears and worries, you are also the one that sees her. This is the strongest, truest part of you. This is the part of us all that is most capable of responding with wisdom and compassion during stressful times.

2. Inviting fear to tea.

Because we’re wired (and taught) to avoid discomfort, we tend to do whatever it takes to make our feelings of fear and vulnerability go away as quickly as possible. The more we ignore, repress, and dismiss our big emotions, however, the more deeply they embed themselves within our psyches. The deeper we bury them, the more they control us without our even knowing it.

A wiser approach is to pull up a chair for our fears and give them some loving attention. Tara Brach describes this as the act of inviting our fears to tea. I love to imagine my wiser, centered self (my inner grandmother) having a tea party with the scared or distraught part of myself (my inner child). The grandmother in me is gentle and caring. She creates a safe, nurturing space for the little girl to pour her heart out and explain everything she is afraid of or anxious about.

In this way and over time, our inner world begins to feel safe. We are never alone with our fears again once we realize we can show up for and nurture ourselves.

3. Increasing our self-care practices.

Self-care is never more essential than when our sensitivities are heightened and our fears triggered. Much like the weeks and months postpartum, extra care is required during vulnerable times in order for our strength to be restored. Making a commitment to honoring your needs — whether that means getting enough sleep, exercising regularly, checking in more frequently with those you feel well supported by, or spending time alone — is one of the best ways to stay centered and keep fear buckled safely in the back seat rather than driving our lives.

4. Focusing on what we do have control over.

Though we may feel out of control when it comes to the state of the world and our place within it, it helps to remember that control is largely an illusion anyway. I agree with Sean Stephenson, who said that the only two things we have control of are our interpretations and our reactions. This simplifies matters greatly. In any given moment, we can simply ask ourselves: How do I choose to interpret this set of circumstances, and how will I choose to react?

And you? Aside from washing your hands more often, educating yourself, and making sure to vote in response to the realities we’re facing, what’s helping you manage fear and anxieties when they come up?

06/03/2020

Really like this (once I've accepted that there are both upper and lower case letters - sometimes in one word!!!!!😶).