18/04/2026
Just seen this and it did brighten my morning.📢 CHILDMINDER WANTED 📢
Right, throwing this out there because finding a decent childminder is harder than getting a GP appointment...
I'm looking for someone old school. And I mean that as a compliment.
Someone who:
✅ Says "No" to my child when they're wrong - not "Let's explore why that choice didn't serve the group's energy"
✅ Will put sugar on Weetabix without having an ethical crisis about it
✅ Thinks kale is something that happens to other people
✅ Lets kids climb things, fall off things, and learn from things - a grazed knee is not a safeguarding concern, it's a Tuesday
✅ Gives kids a biscuit, not a "mindful snack moment"
✅ Has never used the phrase "I hear you, but how did that make YOU feel?" to a four-year-old who just hit someone with a Lego brick
✅ Won't encourage my child to "express their truth" - I just need them to put their shoes on
✅ Knows that "because I said so" is a perfectly valid and complete explanation
✅ Dinner time is when ever it’s ready. Not at a "flexible, child-led hunger window"
✅ Their idea of screen time is letting the kids watch one episode of something while they have five minutes' peace - not a Pep Talk on emotional regulation
✅ Would sooner make a fish finger sandwich than a "deconstructed nourish bowl"
✅ Understands that a bit of mud never killed anyone and in fact probably did them good
✅ Has a drawer in the kitchen that's just... stuff. Batteries, elastic bands, a menu from a Chinese that closed in 2014. You know the drawer.
✅ Refers to fizzy pop as a treat, not a "high-fructose boundary violation"
✅ Will tell my child to stop showing off without worrying it'll damage their "authentic self-expression journey"
✅ Thinks the solution to a bad mood is a sandwich and some fresh air, not a somatic breathwork session
✅ Has at some point said the words "if you're bored, I'll find you something to do" and meant it
✅ Not afraid to say "like it or lump it" when it comes to food, my child is not a food critic and I’m not cooking more than one meal a night
✅ Measures a good day by whether the kids are knackered at bedtime, not whether they hit their "social-emotional learning targets"
❌ Will NOT ring me at 9am to say my child needs collecting because they've sneezed twice and look a bit peaky - wiping their nose on their sleeve and cracking on is not a medical emergency, it is childhood
❌ Must NOT teach my child that every feeling requires a certificate, a fidget toy, and a calm-down corner
❌ Must NOT let my child identify as a wardrobe (or any other household furniture)
❌ Must NOT use the word "boundaries" more than once a day - and only in the context of the garden fence
❌ Must not serve strictly oat milk. Proper milk or get out.
❌ Must not give my child a "gentle warning" followed by a "final gentle warning" followed by a "collaborative conversation about consequences" - just tell them off. Once. Firmly. Job done.
❌ Must not send a daily two-page written report on my child's "emotional landscape" - a thumbs up emoji and "they were fine, had two biscuits" is more than sufficient
❌ Must not refer to my child having a tantrum as them "experiencing a big feeling" - they're being a little t**t. We all know it. Say the word. We will have a laugh about it later.
❌ Must not put my child on a "sugar-free, dye-free, joy-free" diet without my written consent
❌ Must not organise a "feelings check-in circle" before snack time - they're four, they just want the Jaffa Cakes
Basically: I want my child raised. I want him back at the end of the day with dirty hands and knees, a full belly, and no criminal record preferably.
If you are this person or know this person, please message me.
Bonus points if you own a quality street tin used for storing odds and sods.
✌🏽
