03/04/2026
Well today I am up, wearing clothes, I’ve been out in the real world, to the shops, to get my hair done. Honestly I feel like I’m coming out of a bad dream.
The last fortnight has been so brutal. I still feel poorly so please still give me a bit of grace with regards to work messages etc but I feel finally like the fog is lifting. There are no words to describe how poorly I’ve been the last 2 weeks and it’s been relentless: and the last few days my mental health has been so low as well. My bedroom felt like it was closing in on me; I’ve been so lonely and fed up and ALL of the intrusive thoughts have been coming to sit with me 🥲I haven’t been well enough to do any of my daily practices so the door to the bad wolf brain has been wide open 🐺
I haven’t seen my little pony for a fortnight and at first I was riding the wave; but it’s got harder each day. The fatigue, nausea, aches and pains, the upset tummy, just never ending.
I’m learning a lot about cancer treatments the last few months:
I have 4 rounds of combination immunotherapy before I drop down to just one drug and they are the strongest 2 I could have: the big guns my oncologist called them. Unlike chemo, immunotherapy stays in your system so each cycle adds another layer of what someone described as “Tasmanian devils released in your body…” I learned this week that very few patients complete all 4 treatments because the side effects are so brutal. Well we’ve done 3 and I have 1 more to tolerate and if I can do it I will 💪🏻
So I just have to see this as my marathon to complete, to accept that life is kind of on pause, to try not to let FOMO consume me and let my body keep being absolutely fecking phenomenal and taking these big gun drugs like a boss 🔥
Hopefully when I drop down to the single drug, life will get a bit easier … Thanks for everyone whose been so patient and understanding as I navigate this and for your little messages of love they really keep me going 🥹😘