Dr John Ashfield

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Dr John Ashfield

Psychologist, Mental Health Practitioner, and Supervisor

Dr Ashfield is a bestselling author, known across Australia and internationally for his writing in the fields of applied psychology, mental health, and male psychology. John is the author of seven books, chapters in specialised textbooks (published in Britain and India), numerous mass media articles and commentary, published health promotion resources, and a number of academic articles. He worked

for many years in rural and outback South Australia as an itinerant psychotherapist and suicide prevention practitioner (Divisions of General Practice and Rural Medicine). He was Principal Consultant, Rural and Remote Mental Health, for Country Health SA, and was a national consultant and mental health literacy educator for Frontier Services. Dr Ashfield lived, and worked in private practice in Surfers Paradise, Queensland, and on Norfolk Island in the South Pacific. On returning to England, most recently, he was engaged in service development and managing allied health services at Saint Catherine’s Hospice, in North Yorkshire. Dr Ashfield has taught at the University of Adelaide, University of South Australia, Flinders University, and was a PhD examiner for the University of Southern Queensland. He was a pioneer of post-graduate clinical education in the psychology of palliative care, in the Department of General Practice, Faculty of Medicine, University of Adelaide, and has held a number of senior consultancy and clinical appointments in government and non-government sectors. He was the founder of the India Overseas Sharing Fund, a community aid and development organisation in Chennai, India. Both his broad experience, and his interest and training in social and behavioural science disciplines, aspects of sociocultural and biological anthropology, ancient and contemporary wisdom literature, and comparative religion, form a rich tapestry of understanding which he brings to his work with people.

22/04/2026

Infidelity: How Not to Get Busted

Despite decades of s*xual liberation, social freedom, cheap contraception, and equal rights, most people will still tell you that they think s*xual infidelity is abhorrent1,2. But do they practice what they preach? Well, no, many don’t. And despite men being traditionally in the frame as adulterers, according to research women are no more virtuous or faithful3. And though it may be hard to believe, a sizable number of men and women cheat on their partners3,4. Any wonder when couples turn up for marriage counselling, it usually means that trust is so shattered that assistance with separation is often the outcome5.

Disordered s*xual desire is notorious for having terrible consequences. Despite all pretensions of intelligence, as humans, we still tend to allow primitive urges to hold sway. And it would seem that most people’s deep desire for a loving, long-term companion and happy family isn’t always a sufficient counterbalance.

Sadly, detecting infidelity is becoming a big business – with infidelity test kits, listening devices, phone recorders, and tracking devices readily available. There are now even polygraph services that your spouse can send you to, to give you an opportunity to prove your innocence. The odds of being busted are increasing.

Often underestimated in the excitement of infidelity is the likelihood of putting out unwanted and unwitting clues and telltale signs. There is always a good chance of being found out. When that happens, the effects are often powerful and destructive. Infidelity almost invariably has victims. It commonly breaks hearts, destroys trust, and contributes to family breakdown5,6. Even if a relationship holds together afterwards, it can take years of effort to rebuild trust.

Being tempted to have an affair usually indicates that a relationship is in difficulty. Seriously exploring options for fixing a relationship—or ending it if that’s what truly needs to happen—is worth considering before taking the infidelity plunge.
As men, we are faced with many difficult choices. But this is one we really do need to consider seriously, and well before we become inebriated by powerful s*xual chemistry.
Try the game of deceit and secrecy if you wish, but the only real guarantee against not being busted is not to cheat in the first place.

Link to article in comments.

References
1. British Social Attitudes Survey. (2023). National Centre for Social Research.
2. YouGov UK. (2023). Attitudes to infidelity.
3. Institute for Family Studies. (2022). Who cheats more? The demographics of infidelity.
4. Relationships Australia. (2022). Infidelity and relationships survey.
5. Office for National Statistics (UK). (2022). Divorces in England and Wales.
6. Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2021). Divorce and separation statistics.

20/04/2026

Surviving Separation

You wish it hadn’t happened – but it has. Well, life is like that. We don’t always get things right; relationships can break down, but we always have a choice about what we’ll do to survive, and about making a fresh start and a new beginning. You may feel as though you’re in free fall, and don’t know what to grab hold of. You’re full of pain and hurt and just want it to stop. You feel out of control, powerless and angry – everything seems meaningless, and you don’t know if you can bear it. The assumption here is that your partner has initiated the separation, but if it’s the other way around you may still experience many of the same things – with guilt thrown in.

The first and all-important thing is to learn how to survive; you have to get the hang of survival long before you’re ready to start analysing things or envisaging a new life.

When it comes to emotional pain, you can run but you can’t hide. Better to turn and face it, allow yourself to feel it (which is not the same as indulging it unnecessarily), and learn to push through it. But you’ll need a break from it sometimes too, by doing something recreational – even if you don’t feel much like it.

On occasions when you can’t get past feeling overwhelmed or desperate, talk to a male friend. Men usually know how to cut to the chase and help others feel back in control. They’re good at putting some masculine structure on strong feelings (where your own structure has become wobbly); feelings that shouldn’t just be sent underground, which need to be contained and “tamed”. If you don’t want to overburden your friends, make sure you do your emotional “homework” – don’t expect them to do it for you.

Is the separation permanent? The gut-wrenching stuff will not stop until this question is answered decisively. There has to be a definite end or a new beginning. The worst thing you can do is delude yourself about this. It’s a classic behaviour to refuse to let go of a failed relationship by hoping that your partner will change her mind – which only postpones the pain and draws out the whole process of grieving.

Idealising your partner and obsessing about her are classic signs of not accepting the reality of the situation. And don’t misread friendliness as a change of heart; it’s usually just their way of not “rubbing salt into wounds”. Have the courage to stick with what you know you have to do; you’ll soon get some tone into your emotional muscles.

Find ways of relaxing, definitely stay amongst people (withdrawing socially is asking for trouble), keep talking, and avoid overusing alcohol. Learn to control self-defeating thoughts. Stick to your decisions. Seriously consider seeing a counsellor, psychologist or pastoral professional – especially if you feel unsafe or start experiencing suicidal thoughts (which is entering dangerous territory, and needs to be taken seriously).

Link to article in comments.

17/04/2026

The Dilemma for Men Experiencing Relationship Violence

A reality that can no longer be ignored is just how many men experience violence in relationships, from their female partners. Studies worldwide now clearly indicate that relationship violence isn’t the one-way thing that has been previously assumed 1,2. We now know that a significant number of women also perpetrate relationship violence 1,3. But not only is it difficult to get men to take action and report their experience of domestic violence, it’s an uphill battle to get them taken seriously 4,5.

Men are generally reluctant to admit they’ve been assaulted or abused by a female partner, because of the indignity of appearing weak, and because it reflects poorly on their identity as men 4,6. Some men would rather put up with violence and abuse, because they don’t believe it’s right to defend themselves against women 6.

Men who do report violence or abuse by female partners are often disbelieved – simply because they are men 4,5. The simplistic idea that there are only perpetrators and victims, and that only men are perpetrators, is still entrenched in many health and welfare services – which consequently fail to take men seriously, minimise their experience, or treat it as something of a joke 5,7. But there is nothing humorous about domestic violence for men or for women. It is degrading and unacceptable and may be dangerous and criminal.

Domestic violence is often a clear indication that a relationship is in dire straits and, without immediate and appropriate assistance, will likely end, with potentially damaging consequences for both partners 8.

It is important to note that despite the shame and indignity men often experience when admitting to being abused, evidence indicates that when services are set up to genuinely and respectfully listen to and support men, such services are in great demand 4,9.

Domestic violence may also take other forms like: emotional and verbal violence (involving things like humiliation, betrayal, verbal assault, and manipulation); financial violence (knowingly exploiting and taking advantage of a partner financially); s*xual violence (like being intentionally dishonest about contraception, or humiliating a partner s*xually) 10. Whatever form it takes, such violence is unacceptable. Men experiencing it need to seek assistance – even if only from a friend, to work out options and to take action. Men will sometimes need to be supported to make the decision to leave a violent relationship – at least temporarily, and, if children are also at risk, to report the situation to relevant authorities.

Getting help is no simple matter for men. Not many helping agencies are equipped to either understand or deal effectively with men’s experience and issues 5,7. But this situation will only change when men assert their right to respectful, professional, and gender sensitive services, with personnel who have an appropriate attitude, and appropriate knowledge and training to work with men. Poor and unresponsive services usually remain that way, only for want of consumers willing to thoughtfully and confidently complain.

Link to article in comments.

References

1. Archer, J. (2000). S*x differences in aggression between heteros*xual partners: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, 126(5), 651–680.
2. Straus, M. A. (2011). Gender symmetry and mutuality in perpetration of clinical-level partner violence: Empirical evidence and implications for prevention and treatment. Aggression and Violent Behavior, 16(4), 279–288.
3. Desmarais, S. L., Reeves, K. A., Nicholls, T. L., Telford, R. P., & Fiebert, M. S. (2012). Prevalence of physical violence in intimate relationships, Part 1: Rates of male and female victimization. Partner Abuse, 3(2), 140–169.
4. Tsui, V. (2014). Male victims of intimate partner abuse: Use and helpfulness of services. Social Work, 59(2), 121–130.
5. Hines, D. A., & Douglas, E. M. (2010). Intimate terrorism by women toward men: Does it exist? Journal of Aggression, Conflict and Peace Research, 2(3), 36–56.
6. Migliaccio, T. A. (2002). Abused husbands: A narrative analysis. Journal of Family Issues, 23(1), 26–52.
7. Bates, E. A. (2020). “Walking on eggshells”: A qualitative examination of men’s experiences of intimate partner violence. Men and Masculinities, 23(2), 389–409.
8. Capaldi, D. M., Knoble, N. B., Shortt, J. W., & Kim, H. K. (2012). A systematic review of risk factors for intimate partner violence. Partner Abuse, 3(2), 231–280.
9. Douglas, E. M., & Hines, D. A. (2011). The help-seeking experiences of men who sustain intimate partner violence. Journal of Family Violence, 26(6), 473–485.
10. World Health Organization. (2012). Understanding and addressing violence against women: Intimate partner violence. WHO Press.

16/04/2026

Time For a Rethink on Domestic Violence

Relationship violence (whatever form it takes) is an undeniable sign that a relationship has run into serious trouble. It also indicates the very likely risk of further violence becoming a pattern – as well as the end of the relationship.

Until recently we thought the problem was simply a matter of some men being violent towards their partners – which is what social activists, television and other media campaigns have largely concentrated on. If only it was that simple.

In the past, to have suggested that women perpetrate and engage in relationship violence has been mostly dismissed, with the argument that such instances are so few that they are irrelevant to the overall picture, or that women only use violence in self-defence. It turns out that this is not the full picture.

We now know that violence can go both ways, and that in a significant proportion of cases it emerges within the dynamics of the relationship rather than from one side alone.³

Clearly, this is a bigger problem than even media publicity has sought to portray because it’s a problem for men and for women. It’s a wider human problem, and one that has no simple gender boundaries.

At the same time, the best available evidence indicates that women are still more likely overall to experience serious and injurious forms of partner violence, and are disproportionately represented in outcomes such as s*xual assault within relationships, hospitalisation, and domestic homicide.¹ ²

Fortunately, only a minority of women and men use violence in their relationships. And it is dishonest and misleading to suggest otherwise – about either gender.

Nevertheless, all of us need to say “no” to relationship violence; all of us need to do our best to put a stop to it. It is a problem we must own as a community.

There are no simple solutions – especially since we know that higher rates of violence occur in situations in which women and men are under financial pressure, misusing alcohol, or other substances, or are unemployed. To make matters more complicated, we also know that violence often runs in couples, with both partners involved in a significant proportion of cases.³
Understandably, people currently employed to tackle the issue of relationship violence will feel very anxious about how to come to grips with this more complex reality. But their greater concern should be that if they don’t take into account the full facts, they will simply ensure that it is never properly understood or remedied – which will benefit neither women nor men who experience such violence.

Yes, we need to say a resounding “no to violence against women”. But we must now also say “no to violence against men”, and overhaul our thinking, our literature, and our slogans in relation to this issue.

This includes recognising that coercive and controlling behaviour is not confined to men. While more severe, fear-based and physically injurious patterns are more often associated with male perpetrators, other forms of control—such as manipulation, shaming, persistent criticism, and the erosion of self-esteem—are frequently reported by men as coming from female partners, and remain less visible and less well captured in current research.⁴ A failure to acknowledge this risks overlooking a significant number of victims.

Where necessary, legal, health, and welfare services must admit they’ve been poorly informed, and revise their internal cultures, their attitudes, and their programs and practices in relation to this issue. Men and women must be protected from domestic violence.

There is no longer any excuse for denial or oversimplification on this subject. The evidence is too substantial, and the effects of relationship violence on men and women are too damaging, for us to allow partial accounts to prevail.

References

1. Office for National Statistics. (2025). Domestic abuse in England and Wales overview: Year ending March 2025. https://www.ons.gov.uk/
2. Australian Institute of Health and Welfare. (2024). Family, domestic and s*xual violence: Intimate partner violence and health outcomes. https://www.aihw.gov.au/
3. Australian Bureau of Statistics. (2021). Personal Safety Survey. https://www.abs.gov.au/
4. Office for National Statistics. (2023). Partner abuse in detail, England and Wales (year ending March 2023) — includes breakdowns of non-physical abuse, controlling behaviours, and reporting differences between men and women. https://www.ons.gov.uk/

Link to article in comments.

11/04/2026

Single and Dateless – Breaking the Drought

If your fantasy is to partner up with a gorgeous woman whose dad owns a pub, chances are, even if such a specimen exists, some other lucky chap will have got there before you anyway. You may have greater success going after a more available member of the opposite s*x. But being a complicated undertaking, you may need a few pointers.

First of all, it’s vital to be realistic – because the kind of woman you’re capable of attracting is the kind of woman you’ll likely have a chance with and be comfortable with. You also need to be yourself – which is who you are when you’re sober. If you or others don’t like who you are, then you’ll need to work seriously on that. Pretending is never a good idea because eventually you’ll be found out.

If you’ve spent a lot of time alone, you’ll probably need to get lots of practice at learning to be confident and appropriate in a variety of social situations – which will also help you to be less needy and more self-sufficient. Boring as it may sound, most singles must first learn to be successfully single before they’re ready for a relationship. Desperate and needy, like too much aftershave, is overpowering and repellant to others, and begs the question: what’s wrong with this guy?

If you see an opportunity to make contact with a woman, be thoughtful and discrete and don’t tell all your friends and give them chance to make a joke of it. If you’re really nervous, you could ask a female friend when and how best to make a move. On occasions they may even be able to act as a go between to smooth the way. But remember, you can’t avoid the possibility of being turned down. You may have to get used to that – and how it makes you feel. You may have to learn how to push through disappointments if you’re to be emotionally ready for your next opportunity. You will have to get some tone into your emotional muscles.

Use an opportunity for conversation with a woman to build a connection, to build on what she has to say, and to show you are a good listener. Don’t show off, and only talk about yourself and your interests in moderation. If you have to rely on alcohol, it’s back to first principles: you’ve probably got more work to do on yourself and your skills.

Lastly, if you must use internet dating or an introduction agency, do it thoughtfully, and be sensible, honest, and not “full of yourself”. If you get a suitable date, remember, the other principles here still apply.

Dealing with the opposite s*x can certainly be a bewildering business. But despite all the effort and the mishaps along the way, it’s a good bet that the drought will break if you persevere.

Link to article in comments.

09/04/2026

Single and Dateless is No Joke

Life for a lot of single men in rural and remote areas can be very lonely and unhappy. And it rarely occurs to people who are married or attached, just how difficult it is for some single men to get through each day with the painful ache of being alone, not being able to say anything about it, and not knowing what to do about it. For quite complex reasons, few other personal issues seem to have as much potential for embarrassment and “beating up on oneself” as not being able to find a partner. But this is a genuine issue challenging psychological wellbeing, and it’s not one we can afford to laugh off or ignore.

With so many young women departing for city education or work opportunities – leaving behind those young men who decide to stay because they hope for a future in industries like fishing, agriculture, or mining, there is a problem of simple mathematics: too few potential female partners for available single males. In a country like Australia experiencing the thinning of rural populations in many areas, due to the diminishing number of smaller land holdings, is adding to the dilemma. Highlighting and openly talking about this mathematical reality may prove to be the best way of putting the problem in perspective and significantly diminishing its stigma and embarrassment for single males.

Various efforts have been made to bring singles together. But one-off events, though successful for some, may leave others feeling less rather than more competent, for not having succeeded with that one opportunity. Creating opportunities for single men to meet women through reputable introduction agencies (rather than just online) may well prove to be the most effective and sustainable way of helping them to become suitably partnered.

Many single men also need to be coached in some of the subtle competencies required for approaching and engaging women more effectively. Too often their attempts are undone by fairly rudimentary mistakes – including the overuse of alcohol, and the wrong use of opportunities for conversation – like the tendency to only talk about work, rather than things that might build rapport and provide a basis for female interest.

Much more effort will also need to go into exploring new potential arrangements of relationships, that don’t demand that interested non-rural/remote women necessarily try to adapt to more remote geographic locations in a single leap. Combining the aspects of city/town and more remote living arrangements with periodic traveling may be necessary – including as a long-term compromise, if that’s what can make a relationship possible.

Being single and dateless is no joke; it’s an issue that is profoundly affecting many men. Some changes in traditional social and work-life conventions will be needed. There will be no escaping the need to explore and accept ideas and options that may at first seem foreign and unorthodox.

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05/04/2026

Being a Shift Worker Without Being Impossible to Live With

If you are one of the fortunate people who have the luxury of working “nine to five” spare a thought for those who are busy at work while you’re settling into your favourite TV show, experiencing nice recreation, or tucked up in bed. Shift workers man the “boiler rooms” of industry and our essential services, often doing the most thankless tasks and exposing themselves to a variety of occupational hazards in the process. But what is often not realised is the negative effect that shift work can have on their relationships, and psychological wellbeing and physical health.1,2,3,4

Constant sub-standard sleep and being out of phase with the social and family life that occurs during daylight hours, can create some unexpected “chain reactions”. Sleep disturbance often leads to irritability, a low tolerance threshold, and increased anger and tension in personal relationships.2,3,4 It is also commonly associated with changeable and low mood, and higher than normal levels of stress.2,3,4 When these are “medicated” with alcohol (which men commonly do), short-term relief often gives way to longer-term problems. Alcohol aggravates the symptoms of low mood, interferes with the quality of sleep, and covers over but doesn’t resolve the problem of stress.5

Diminished quality time and positive emotional connections with partner, children, and friends, can also have a number of linked effects. Research has shown that relationships and social activities serve to help us stay emotionally healthy; they actually boost the body’s immune system, act as a buffer against the effects of stress on health, and are protective of psychological wellbeing.6,7 Becoming isolated and cut off from friends and social support is associated with poor psychological wellbeing and higher levels of chronic illness. 6,7

If you’re a shift worker and you want to maintain your psychological wellbeing and physical health, and keep health in your relationships, you may need to employ a number of counteractive measures:

• Make it a top priority to get into the best pattern of sleep that you can. If you are really struggling, you may need to consider sleep improvement strategies or sleep therapy (talk to a counsellor or psychologist about this).2,3,4
• Postpone discussing thorny issues with your partner until you are well slept and not too irritable.2,4
• Set aside time and create opportunities for strengthening and enjoying your relationships and social life.6,7
• It’s natural to want to cram pleasure into your “off time,” but decide not to do that in a way that undermines your psychological wellbeing, health or relationships.
• Try to limit your alcohol intake to four standard drinks a day.
• Be sure to eat healthy food, and exercise whenever you can. Both will help your psychological wellbeing and health a lot.8
If you find yourself needing help with sleep, stress management, a flat mood, anger, relationship difficulties, or the overuse of alcohol, don’t wait for the problem to get out of hand. Take yourself off to a skilled counsellor, psychologist, or pastoral care professional. If it’s ages since you had a proper medical check-up and blood work done, do that too. And remember, medication is no quick fix for sleep or psychological issues; lifestyle and self-management choices are nearly always much more important.

References
1. Soltanzadeh, A., et al. (2024). Investigating the relationship between shift work schedule and sleep quality, health and safety among healthcare workers. Scientific Reports.
2. National Institute for Occupational Safety and Health. (2020, March 31). Impacts on families. In NIOSH training for nurses on shift work and long work hours. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
3. Chang, M. J., et al. (2024). The relationship of shift work disorder with symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress. Sleep Health, 10(2), 216-223.
4. Harris, R., et al. (2024). Sleep, mental health and physical health in new shift workers: A systematic review. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 79, 102016.
5. Gardiner, C., Weakley, J., Burke, L. M., & Roach, G. D. (2025). The effect of alcohol on subsequent sleep in healthy adults: A systematic review and meta-analysis. Sleep Medicine Reviews, 80, 102030.
6. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Office of the Surgeon General. (2023). Our epidemic of loneliness and isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s advisory on the healing effects of social connection and community.
7. World Health Organization. (2025). From loneliness to social connection: Charting a path to healthier societies: Report of the WHO Commission on Social Connection.
8. Noetel, M., et al. (2024). Effect of exercise for depression: Systematic review and network meta-analysis of randomised controlled trials. BMJ, 384, e075847.

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01/04/2026

Betting You Didn’t Know This

Did you know there is a group of Australians who quietly hand over billions of dollars each year—for nothing in return? In New South Wales alone, poker machines generated over $8.4 billion in losses in 2022–23, with more than 86,000 machines operating across the state.1 In South Australia, gaming machines generate over $1 billion annually.2

A similar pattern exists in Great Britain, where the gambling industry generated around £16.8 billion in 2024–25.3
This is not entertainment at the margins. It is a system sustained by ordinary losses on a massive scale.

This is not the activity of a fringe minority. In Australia, around one in six adults are at some level of risk of gambling harm, including 2–3% at high risk.4 In Great Britain, the figures are strikingly similar.5

The consequences can be devastating—financial hardship, broken relationships, and deep personal distress.4 Each problem gambler affects six to ten other people.7 Millions live in the shadow of someone else’s habit. It is now recognised as a public health issue in both countries.6

People who spend more than they can afford—the ‘mug punters’—are those most likely to believe the myth that they can come out ahead. But the system is built the other way. Most lose. A few win just often enough to keep them playing.3

Why it’s so hard to stop

For many, gambling is not just about excitement. It is a way of escaping—numbing financial stress, relationship strain, or personal distress.4 But the habit is driven by potent urges—triggered by thoughts, feelings, and situations—making it difficult to break.

The good news is that what is learned can be unlearned—but usually not without help.

It seldom helps to lecture or shame a gambler into changing. Nor does rescuing them financially. In most cases, this only prolongs the problem.

Real change begins when the gambler recognises the problem and reaches for help—before the cost becomes irreversible.
If gambling has become a problem, help is available. Australia: Gambling Help Online – 1800 858 858.8 UK: National Gambling Helpline – 0808 8020 133.9

Link in comments.

References
1. New South Wales Government. (2023). Gaming machine statistics 2022–23.
2. Consumer and Business Services SA. (2024). Gaming machine annual statistics.
3. Gambling Commission. (2025). Industry statistics: April 2024–March 2025.
4. Australian Institute of Family Studies. (2023). National Gambling Trends Study.
5. Gambling Commission. (2024). Gambling Survey for Great Britain.
6. Office for Health Improvement and Disparities. (2023). Gambling-related harms evidence review.
7. Productivity Commission. (2010). Gambling (Report no. 50).
8. Australian Government Department of Social Services. (2025). Gambling Help Online.
9. NHS / National Gambling Support Network. (2025). National Gambling Helpline.

23/03/2026

Staying Out of the Doghouse

There is a well-worn path to the “doghouse” – that commonly favoured penalty for any number of male domestic misdemeanours. And it’s no small penalty either: being ostracised and falling out of favour. Men just don’t have anything to compare with it in their own arsenal of retribution. They can certainly snub their spouses but withhold s*xual intimacy? – that would be…unnatural.

The truth is, both genders can gain perverse pleasure in hurling insults or giving the “silent treatment” and making a partner suffer for their sins. But in reality, any kind of “getting even” is a poor behavioural choice, if what you really want is not to feel aggrieved, and for issues to be satisfactorily resolved. With a relationship, winning is not the same as succeeding. Owning up to feeling hurt or angry about something, and talking about it calmly and rationally, doesn’t bring the same immediate gratification as the “slash and burn” approach, but in the long run it has much bigger pay-offs. It helps avoid a pattern of recrimination, standoff and anger becoming an entrenched and habitual way of handling things.

Perhaps the best way to stay out of the doghouse is not to go along with the idea at all – including not using similar tactics yourself. This may mean taking the initiative in the relationship, waiting for a time of mutual calm, and negotiating some new ground rules for dealing with conflict.

No relationship is without conflict – conflict is inevitable. But it’s not inevitably bad – quite the contrary – handled well, it can actually be turned into a real positive. Tackling conflict constructively can help people get to know each other better: what they think, how they feel and what is important to them; it can help break through obstacles to much needed change and improvement; it can “clear up” false beliefs and misconceptions; it can disperse tension and stress, and help the relationship evolve, move forward, and strengthen.

Here are some simple ground rules for dealing with conflict:
• Do nothing unless you are calm and ready to accept some compromise (rarely is anyone completely right).
• Genuinely listen to the other person’s point of view (not waiting for the opportunity to flatten them with an overpowering response) and try to imagine yourself in their position.
• Agree not to interrupt each other or to get hooked into an argument.
• Be respectful – not using put-downs, nasty remarks, or blaming; not being loud or overbearing.
• Refuse to use, or succumb to, any kind of emotional manipulation or blackmail.
• Define and explore the issue (without “roping in” other unconnected issues and feelings).
• Negotiate a solution that leaves you both feeling heard, respected, and valued.

If your partner is not amenable to discussing issues or problems in your relationship, it may be time to seek some professional advice from a counsellor, psychologist, or pastoral professional.

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