05/01/2026
My Beautiful Boy....
My beautiful boy took his own life after carrying far too much toxicity and pain for one soul to bear.
When I received the call from St John Hospital telling me he was on life support, a part of me died instantly. I had only just lost my dad, in fact, he was lying in repose in my own funeral home at that very moment. Grief was already drowning me, and then this wave came and pulled me under completely.
I cannot put into words how I felt. There are no words big enough. This should have been one of the safest times of my life, surrounded by family and love , instead, it became the darkest.
Because he was separated, his wife still had the legal right as next of kin. A password was put on his medical information, and we were shut out. Imagine that? being his mother, desperate to know if your child is alive, and being denied even basic information.
We fought tooth and nail to get into ICU so his siblings could see him. I was calling doctors I knew, asking their opinions, pleading for clarity. Can you imagine that sitting with your dying son in icu having to beg and chase answers about your own child’s life?
I remember a nurse coming into the room and saying, He has weepy eyes…
I stopped her and said, “No those aren’t his tears. They’re mine. They’re soaking his face.”
I asked her if she was a mother. I needed her to understand, I dont know if she ever did or cared.
It was COVID. Everything was impossible. Cold. Controlled. Inhumane.
By the time life support was turned off, thank God there was at least one person with a moral backbone on that ICU who let us know. That small act of humanity mattered more than they will ever realise.
After that, my memory fades. I only remember surviving until we buried him around ten weeks later. Other than that, my whole world ended. Completely. 💔
Then I watched my only baby sister decline before my eyes. Her mental health spiralled, and I lived in constant fear. I sent police to her door just to make sure she was still alive. I remember saying to her, “If you do anything to yourself, it will kill me too.”
Five days later, she was found dead in her wardrobe.
I don’t know how I survived that. I honestly don’t. Somehow, I fought my way back to something that resembles normality, but I couldn’t tell you how I did it.
People used to say to me, “You’re so strong.”
And I would think, No, I’m not, because you didn’t see me when the door closed at night. You didn’t see the breakdowns, the screams into the dark, the moments I didn’t think I could breathe another second.
But looking back now, I understand what they meant.
I am strong.
Stronger than I ever wanted to be.
If anyone reading this is struggling with their mental health, please know this, I am here. Truly here. Not just words. I mean it.
Through my journey, I’ve met other mums who have lost their children to su***de. From the deepest pain, we formed bonds that will last forever because only we truly understand what it means to keep breathing after your heart has been shattered.
To my beautiful boy,
You are loved beyond measure.
You always were.
Poem for you...
My boy Bruce John
My beautiful boy, my Bruce, my heart,
The world grew darker the moment we fell apart.
You walked this life with battles unseen,
Too gentle, too kind for the things that had been.
You carried pain you never should have known,
Smiles hiding storms you faced alone.
I wish, my love, I could have taken your place,
Shouldered your burden, erased every trace.
That phone call came and my soul stood still,
They said “life support” and my heart never healed.
While your grandad lay waiting for heaven’s door,
I was losing my son… and so much more.
I sat by your side, my tears on your face,
They weren’t your tears , they were mine in that space.
I whispered I loved you, begged you to stay, even asking God to take me instead.
But the world had already taken too much away.
I fought like a lioness , tooth and nail,
Just to see you, to touch you, though hope felt so frail.
A mother should never have to plead
To say goodbye to the child she needs.
When they let you go, my world went quiet,
A silence so loud it felt like a riot.
Time stopped moving, the light disappeared,
And every tomorrow became something I feared.
They say you were strong, but so were you kind,
A beautiful soul with the purest mind.
If love alone could have kept you here,
You’d still be with me, my darling, Bruce.
Now I carry you with me, breath by breath,
Through days of sorrow, through thoughts of death.
You are my strength, though you broke my heart,
You are my forever, never apart.
Sleep peacefully, Bruce, wrapped in my love,
Until the day I hold you again above.
I’ll speak your name, I’ll stand, I’ll fight, and believe me I will fight like a lioness .
Because loving you gave me my fiercest light.
You were here.
You mattered.
You are endlessly loved.
Always your mum 🤍
I do have to put a disclosure on this regarding St John's hospital.
By the time they received the news of our treatment from the ICU ward , they where appalled and wanted to take it further.
By this time Bruce was gone
So St John's head of directors where amazing towards us as a family so thank you .
It was unprecedented times going through covid .
So it wasn't the same world we life in now .
Thank you st John's for hearing us .
🤍
