04/04/2026
Easter Chocolate Intake Policy (For the Chronically Exhausted Adult, Age 40+)
In light of ongoing fatigue, mild disillusionment, and the suspicious noise your knees make when standing up, the Easter Chocolate Oversight Committee has updated its guidance.
Eligibility criteria:
- Overworked → congratulations, productivity has earned you a family-sized chocolate egg you will not be sharing
- Overtired → all calories consumed after 9pm are legally classified as “medicinal”
- Over 40 → your metabolism has already filed a formal complaint, so frankly, do what you like
Approved consumption practices:
- Eating chocolate before breakfast to “get it out of the way” (it will not get out of the way)
- Buying Easter treats “for the household” and immediately hiding them from the household
- Taking one bite, deciding it’s not that good, and then finishing it anyway out of principle
- Referring to chocolate as “energy management”
Scientific clarification:
Mini eggs are not small. They are condensed regret units and must be handled in batches of 12.
Health note:
Any attempt to moderate intake will be undermined by the phrase, “well it’ll need eating before it goes off,” despite it having a shelf life longer than your last good night’s sleep.
Final recommendation:
Consume freely. Reflect briefly. Repeat annually.
