09/12/2025
Love this ! 😀
DO YOU WANT A MASSAGE, OR A MEDIEVAL TORTURE SESSION?
YES, THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.
Right, let’s get something straight.
If your therapist is contorting you like an IKEA project gone wrong, grinding their elbow into your ribs as if they’re mining for gold, and calmly saying: “Just breathe through it..,”
you’re not receiving treatment.
You’re taking part in a low-budget medieval reenactment.
And the classic British gaslighting?
“Oh, if it hurts, it means it’s working.”
Behave.
You came in to stop hurting, not to collect a fresh selection of bonus pains like you’re playing some sort of loyalty scheme.
If you're lying there silently reciting every swear word you know, reconsidering your life choices, and planning a polite complaint you’ll never actually make...
congratulations, you’re not being healed...
You’re being tenderised like a cheap supermarket steak.
So ask yourself:
Are you genuinely paying someone to fold you like yesterday’s laundry?
HOW I WORK (WITHOUT THE THEATRICS):
Need to power through to the finish line?
Fine. That bit does hurt: properly, functionally, necessarily.
But it’s athletic pain, not “this bloke is trying to harvest my kidneys” pain.
Need proper pain relief?
We use technique, not blunt force trauma.
Need to switch off completely?
Say no more, I’ll relax you so thoroughly you’ll forget what day it is.
Golden rule:
Massage shouldn’t feel like state-sanctioned punishment.
Unless, of course, you specifically request that sort of experience... in which case… well, we can discuss boundaries. 😉
Book in.
Your body deserves actual therapy, not a discounted ex*****on.
