28/01/2026
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Let’s Talk About “School Can’t” — The Part Nobody Sees
Every time I write about school can’t, parents message me in tears, not because they’ve failed, but because someone finally put words to their lived reality.
School can’t is not:
✘ defiance
✘ manipulation
✘ entitlement
✘ “picking and choosing”
✘ a parenting issue
School can’t is a nervous system response.
It is the body saying, “I have reached my limit.”
And once you see it through that lens, the entire story changes.
What school can’t actually looks like?
It’s the child who wants to go but physically can’t get out of bed.
It’s the one who gets dressed, then collapses in tears by the door.
It’s the teen who tries to walk through the gate but freezes.
It’s the child who holds it together all day, then melts down the moment they get home.
It’s headaches, nausea, shutdowns, irritability, panic, overwhelm.
It’s the child who can’t explain why, because they don’t know either.
It’s a body-level NO, not a behaviour-level no.
Why school can’t happens (especially for PDAers):
✔️ Constant demands from the moment they wake
✔️ Transitions, unpredictability, noise, expectations
✔️ Being evaluated all day long
✔️ Social pressure + masking
✔️ Loss of autonomy
✔️ Executive functioning overload
✔️ Sensory overwhelm
✔️ Feeling misunderstood or unsafe
✔️ Burnout that nobody knew was building
School can’t usually arrives after years of coping, pushing, masking, trying, and absorbing more than their nervous system could hold.
The hardest part for parents:
It looks invisible to the outside world.
You hear things like:
“Just make them go.”
“They need resilience.”
“You’re enabling this.”
“They’ll fall behind.”
“Everyone has to go to school.”
But your child isn’t fighting school.
They’re fighting their nervous system.
And you’re the one holding it all, the guilt, the pressure, the fear, the judgment, the unknown future.
What actually helps?
Reduce pressure, not increase it
Force makes school can’t worse, not better.
Create safety first
No child learns, copes, or connects in fight-or-flight.
Look for early warning signs
Irritability, avoidance, shutdowns, lateness, tummy aches, school refusal mornings, these are communication.
Explore alternative pathways
Part-time loads, online learning, interest-led education, TAFE, homeschooling, flexible timetables, all valid.
Support recovery from burnout
Rest is not giving up.
Rest is the bridge back to stability.
Use collaboration, not compliance
“What would make school feel safer?”
“What’s the hardest part of the day?”
“How can we work together?”
Know that this isn’t always permanent
Children who experience school can’t can thrive. just not under pressure.
And to the families living this:
You’re not failing.
You’re not imagining it.
You’re not creating the problem.
You’re witnessing your child hit a limit that most people never see
and you’re choosing compassion over force.
That makes you a safe parent, not an enabling one.
