Wise Minds Counselling & Psychotherapy

22/12/2025

21/12/2025

21/12/2025

20/12/2025

“The Hidden Lessons We Never Learn”

Most of us weren’t taught about emotions in school.

There was no class on how to notice what we’re feeling, how to name it, or how to sit with it without judgment.

Yet, these are the very skills that shape how we relate to ourselves, our partners, our children, and our families.

Many patterns in our relationships—conflict, distance, avoidance, overreacting—are passed down silently from generation to generation.

This is generational trauma: the habits, beliefs, and emotional responses we inherit without even realizing it.

The truth is, feelings aren’t inherently “wrong” or “bad,” but if no one ever models or teaches emotional regulation, we grow up with confusion, shame, or fear around them.

We might react instinctively, hurtfully, or withdraw—not because we’re “bad” people, but because we never learned the language of our hearts.

The good news? Emotional literacy can be learned. You can practice noticing, naming, and regulating your emotions.

You can break cycles of misunderstanding and disconnection.

You can become the first person in your family line to approach feelings with awareness and compassion.

It takes courage to slow down and sit with discomfort, to observe patterns, to reflect on family stories.

But each small step reshapes your relationships—helping you connect more authentically, respond more consciously, and raise children who will have a different emotional map than you did.

Healing doesn’t erase the past, but it does give you the tools to create a future where connection, understanding, and emotional awareness are possible.

Remember: feelings are a guide, not a punishment.

Learning them is a revolution you can start within yourself.

19/12/2025

🥰

So much was going on for me in this pic. I was 12. I was doing drugs and drinking. I was being exploited and r***d. I thought it was all totally normal. Cool even.

Delayed onset trauma is where we only become traumatised once we process and recognise what has happened, and can happen years/decades later.

It’s completely normal and very common for women and girls in abuse. You often don’t even know what you are being subjected to, and if it is normalised, minimised, or even glorified, you might not have any specific trauma responses whilst it is happening to you, it all comes later on.

This means you can ‘appear’ to be ‘coping’ or ‘unaffected’ by whatever it is that is being done to you in the moment, but you can later on process and reprocess what was really happening, and then become distressed, traumatised and feel totally crushed by it all.

This journey of processing your own trauma can come at any point in your life, and it can happen over and over again.

A trauma informed anti-pathology approach to this is vital - because this is totally normal. This is not mental illness. This is not a disorder. You can be retriggered and need to keep reprocessing for years, and it’s natural.

Interestingly, the international research on child sexual abuse and exploitation actually shows that the majority of kids being abused will use ‘positive’ coping mechanisms like working harder at school, trying to be ‘good’, being quiet, engaging in sports etc - which means no one notices!

We only get taught that children being abused show ‘negative’ coping mechanisms - but these are actually comparatively rare. It’s much more common for kids to normalise abuse and cope with it by just conforming, or by seeking positive affirmation and validation at school and home.

So if you have even an *inkling* that a child around you is going through something, don’t expect or wait for ‘negative’ coping mechanisms, behaviours, or disclosures - they might not come for decades.

And if any of this applies to you - remember that delayed onset trauma is natural, very common and completely rational. This is not something to pathologise or diagnose.

All my love,

Jess x

19/12/2025

Anger: An Emotion That’s Often Misunderstood

Anger is not a “bad” emotion.

It is a protective, signalling emotion.

At its core, anger tells us that something feels wrong, unfair, unsafe, or threatening.

It mobilises the body to respond — to protect boundaries, restore justice, or regain a sense of control.

What anger is trying to do

Anger often shows up when:

• A boundary has been crossed

• There is a sense of injustice or powerlessness

• Pain, fear, or shame feels too vulnerable to express

• Someone feels unheard, dismissed, or unsafe

In this way, anger is often a secondary emotion — sitting on top of more vulnerable feelings like hurt, grief, fear, or helplessness.

Anger and the nervous system

Anger is closely linked to the fight response in the nervous system.

When the body perceives threat, it releases stress hormones that increase:

• Heart rate

• Muscle tension

• Energy and readiness for action

This happens before conscious thought.

It’s not a choice — it’s biology.

When anger becomes a problem

Anger itself is not the issue.

The difficulty comes when:

• Anger is the only emotion that feels safe to express

• It’s suppressed for too long and then explodes

• It’s used to control, intimidate, or avoid vulnerability

• The nervous system stays stuck in threat mode

Unprocessed trauma, chronic stress, or invalidation can all keep anger “switched on.”

Healthy anger vs harmful expression

Healthy anger:

• Signals a need or boundary

• Can be expressed without harm

• Leads to communication or change

Harmful anger:

• Turns into aggression or withdrawal

• Damages relationships

• Leaves shame or regret afterwards

Learning to work with anger means learning to listen to it, not silence it.

From a counselling perspective

Anger deserves curiosity, not judgement.

When we ask “What is this anger protecting?”

we often find pain underneath that needs care.

Anger isn’t the opposite of calm — it’s often the opposite of powerlessness.

When understood and supported, anger can become a guide rather than a problem 💛

19/12/2025

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19/12/2025

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19/12/2025

Stonewalling, Boundaries, and the Silent Treatment — What’s the Difference?

These terms are often confused, yet they come from very different places.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling happens when someone emotionally shuts down during conflict — withdrawing, refusing to engage, or becoming unresponsive.

It’s often not a choice, but a nervous system response (freeze or shutdown) when a person feels overwhelmed, threatened, or unable to cope.

Stonewalling sounds like:

• “I can’t talk about this” (with no return).

• Complete withdrawal or emotional absence.

• Avoiding eye contact, leaving without explanation.

The Silent Treatment

The silent treatment is different.

It’s relationally controlling — communication is withheld to punish, gain power, or force compliance.

The silent treatment communicates:

• “I’ll reconnect when you behave how I want”

• “Your needs don’t matter”

• “Connection is conditional”

Boundaries

Boundaries are about self-protection, not control. They are communicated clearly and include responsibility.

Healthy boundaries sound like:

• “I’m too overwhelmed to talk right now. I need 30 minutes and then I’ll come back.”

• “I need to pause this conversation to regulate so I can stay respectful.”

Boundaries maintain connection — even when space is needed.

How These Patterns Are Learned

Most of us didn’t choose these responses — we learned them.

• Some learned that conflict wasn’t safe

• Some learned that silence was power

• Some never saw healthy repair modelled

• Some learned to disappear to stay safe

These behaviours often originate in early attachment experiences and become automatic nervous system strategies.

The Counselling Lens

Understanding the difference allows for:

• Compassion without excusing harm

• Accountability without shame

• Repair instead of rupture

We can learn new ways to pause, regulate, communicate, and reconnect.

Silence can be safety.

Silence can be punishment.

And sometimes, silence is simply a pause — when it’s held with care and clarity 💛

19/12/2025

Personality Disorders Are Often Misunderstood

Personality disorders are frequently spoken about as if they are “who someone is” — fixed, difficult, or untreatable.

This view causes harm.

For many people, what we call a personality disorder is better understood as the impact of chronic childhood trauma on a developing brain and nervous system.

When a child grows up in an environment that feels unsafe, unpredictable, invalidating, or frightening, their nervous system adapts to survive.

These adaptations can include:

• Hypervigilance

• Intense emotional responses

• Fear of abandonment

• Difficulties with trust and relationships

• Shifts in identity or sense of self

• Strong reactions to perceived rejection

These are not character flaws.

They are survival responses.

Long-term trauma can lead to a chronically dysregulated nervous system, where the body remains stuck in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn.

Over time, these patterns become ingrained — not because someone chose them, but because they once kept them safe.

From a trauma-informed perspective:

• The brain learned early that the world wasn’t safe

• Emotional regulation wasn’t modelled or supported

• Attachment wounds shaped how relationships are experienced

With safety, consistency, and the right therapeutic support, nervous systems can regulate, and patterns can change.

People are not their diagnosis.

They are human beings whose systems adapted to survive.

Understanding personality disorder through a trauma lens doesn’t excuse harmful behaviour — but it does replace blame with compassion, responsibility, and hope.

Healing is possible 💛