Celia Malins Counselling

18/12/2023

My couples therapy official qualification finally arrived today in the post.

05/04/2023

Well this quite literally sums up everything succinctly - it’s never too late as a parent to help your child feel safe and heard and seen

Studies have shown that the infant/adult interactions that result in a secure attachment is the most important foundation of effective parenting.

A secure attachment is born out of a relationship where both mother (primary caregiver) and infant can sense the other’s feelings and emotions. An insecure attachment occurs when there is a failure in this communication of feelings.

“Feeling felt” is one of the most important needs children have and an infant feels safe and understood when the mother responds to their cries and accurately interpret their changing needs.

Repeated experiences from a caregiver that shows up to help and take care of a child teaches the child that someone has got their back.

They learn that they don’t have to spend mental and emotional resources being hypervigilant and scanning the environment all the time, wondering if they’re safe or if their needs will be met.

25/06/2021

Here's an image I am going to start sharing with my clients to support them when working through behaviour change (reducing OCD habits or breaking addictions) It's a game-changer!

This drawing shows the deconditioning curve for Pavlov's dogs when he trained them to stop salivating at the sound of a bell. On the left hand is the amount of salivation. Along the bottom are the number of trails /days.

First, he gave them food at the sound of a bell so they were conditioned to salivate expecting to get food. (This is like us being conditioned to snack when we are stressed, tired, bored.)

Then to retrain the dogs he stopped feeding them when the bell rang. (That's like us stopping biting our nails, reducing OCD habits , stopping biting our nails etc))

And this is what happened.

The dogs initially salivated MORE. Yep. More. Their cravings got stronger. That's called an 'extinction burst'

Then the response died off after a few days.

So the learning here is that this is what behavior change actually looks like. It's not a smooth weaning-off.

It actually does get worse before it gets better!

But then it gets MUCH better.

Stick with it!

Oh and change-back attacks are real! Aka 'spontaneous recovery'. That's normal, nothing has gone wrong... stay the course! Here's a link to the full talk.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRcO9uvCRlA

12/05/2021

If you haven’t seen her Ted talk on vulnerability - go watch it now.... and then read her books. This lady speaks with great wisdom developed through her own work as a researcher and her own experience.

I rarely think about my sobriety in terms of years. For me, celebrating 25 years of sobriety is about reflecting back on “trying to do the next right thing” for the past 9,125 days or, more honestly, for the past 219,000 hours. It also means staying humble and grateful that, with the help of countless people, I’ve been able to get back up the same number of times I’ve fallen down. And I fall a lot.

The biggest learnings from the past 25 years are twofold:

1. Own the stories and the hard s**t, or the stories you’re trying to outrun and the pain you’re denying will own you. The truth will set you free. It will kick your ass first, but then it will set you free.

2. We don’t have to do the hard stuff alone. We weren’t meant to. We heal in connection. This is why it pi**es me off when people shove my work into the self-help category.

The gifts that have accompanied my daily and sometimes hourly decision to feel instead of numb have been too many to name, but the one that I rarely talk about is how my sobriety has affected my level of self-trust.

I write a lot about trust as a marble jar. We build trust like we collect marbles – one small gesture at a time. It’s not a big, sweeping act or a single gesture in a stressful moment. Trust is a collection of small moments.

We talk about trust between people and groups, but we often forget about self-trust. Self-trust is normally the first casualty of failure or mistakes. We stop trusting ourselves when we hurt, get hurt, feel shame, or question our worth.

Here’s how we use the BRAVING tool to think about self-trust:

B - Did I respect my own boundaries? Was I clear about what’s okay and what’s not okay?
R - Was I reliable? Did I do what I said I was going to do?
A - Did I hold myself accountable?
V - Did I respect the vault and share appropriately?
I - Did I act from my integrity?
N- Did I ask for what I needed? Was I nonjudgmental about needing help?
G - Was I generous toward myself?

Today, I’m putting 25 marbles in my self-trust jar. One for every year of my messy, hard af, wonderful, wholehearted, imperfect, sober life.

xo,
BB

24/02/2021

A brilliant book - by an excellent author and advocator of compassionate self talk. I would also thoroughly recommend his book ‘humans’ aswell.

22/02/2021

This is a really easy book to read - and yet has quite a deep message.

The Midnight Library

21/02/2021

The first 7 minutes of this video are really helpful and true ... if you are someone who feels low, down or has struggled with lockdown. Just make 1 change... go to bed earlier, pop your phone away sooner, go for a walk, don’t get that takeaway....
small consistent steps can transform your emotional world for the better.
Sleep, nutrition and movement are 3 of the 5 key foundations for mental health - which Joe talks about... (the other 2 - connection/relationships and relaxation/downtime)

27/01/2021

How to cope with bad news....
stay in the moment, minute by minute.
When our thoughts get out of control... simply breathe - it’s all we truly have within our control.

Keep your thoughts to areas you have agency over.... unless you are in the government you have no power over their decisions right now... so fighting it, spending time ruminating on it, arguing internally about it etc is all anxiety and stress provoking.
Think about what is within your control.... and during lockdown I appreciate this feels like it’s getting smaller.... but keep your focus on what food you decide to make, what activity you decide to do and what things you choose to say and who you stay connected with.

The more we focus on our circle of control - the more empowered we will feel - try it because once we feel empowered our circle of control feels like it gets bigger.

https://youtu.be/uj8dmSgQa1c

18/01/2021

Well what a great poster. This is a really simple but thoughtful fact.

27/12/2020

A belated Merry Christmas and healthy New year to all my clients; past, present and future - NHS and private.

2020 has obviously been an interesting year, with many hardships for many and many joys for others.

Whilst some have been struggling with the fear of the virus, the uncertainty of job insecurity, the futility of furlough, the loneliness of isolation or the stress of relentless extra workload, others have been enjoying the quieter and slower pace of life, enjoying being able to reconnect with nature, introducing activity into their day and benefitting from a healthier less frenetic lifestyle where they are no longer having to battle with the fears and anxieties that filled their pre-covid life.

The most apt quote ‘we are all in the same storm but in very different boats’.

I have been blessed this year in so many ways - a house with enough rooms to enable me to continue my therapy in a private confidential space - all be it online/telephone - with a garden to enable me and my family to gain fresh air and outdoor activities during both lockdowns and a dog to walk to force me out when it would have been easy to stay indoors and whilst covid touched my life - it has, so far at least, left no scars.

I (and most of my clients) have been surprised by the effectiveness of online and telephone therapy - in fact the NHS has been surprised by its efficacy. Who knew we could explore so much in 50 minute phone calls with no visual clues to make sense of each other - and to think I may have walked past an NHS client without either of us knowing.

For my private clients who I work with generally more long term it was a shame to have to stop face to face sessions and continue online. But I believe this has been a ‘good enough’ option in the absence of having a space available to me that could meet the Covid restrictions. I truly ‘leant in’ to my favourite advice ‘Progress not Perfection’ throughout this period both professionally and personally.

I envisage more of the same for a good few months... perhaps even this year until I can find another covid-safe working environment.

So here is to another year where we try to get (and give) what we need, from both ourselves and others.

New Years Resolutions? If you need any help - I have 1 that I would suggest:
Consider asking yourself ‘is this behaviour unhelpful or helpful right now for me?’

For example - perhaps when you find yourself berating yourself in a self critical manner for not meeting your strict, high standards.... is this helpful right now?
Or when you are checking and checking something in the belief that you must prevent yourself from making a mistake.
Or imagining that others are preoccupied by judging you harshly or negatively and this stops you trying something you love doing.
Or searching for more and more information thinking it is the quest for the ‘truth’ which will set you free - instead of the task of simply starting something to the best of your ability.
Scrolling and scrolling on the never ending social media feeds....
Or telling yourself you’re no good and not worthy...

The list could go on.... for all of us - as this is the human condition... but next year - give yourself a break from this endless negative/harsh/controlling chatter. Look up and out and see what IS working for you, what you do HAVE in your life and what you ARE grateful for and what IS helpful for you. Try to be a friend not foe to yourself.
Happy New Year.

13/12/2020

Whatever you might think about Russel Brand I know he’s quite ‘marmite’ - these tips for a successful relationship are really great.