Oran Mor Counselling

27/10/2021

💙 The morning after I killed myself, I woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the counter. I washed the dishes and folded the towels.

The morning after I killed myself, I fell in love. Not with the boy down the street or the middle school principal. Not with the everyday jogger or the grocer who always left the avocados out of the bag. I fell in love with my mother and the way she sat on the floor of my room holding each rock from my collection in her palms until they grew dark with sweat. I fell in love with my father down at the river as he placed my note into a bottle and sent it into the current. With my brother who once believed in unicorns but who now sat in his desk at school trying desperately to believe I still existed.

The morning after I killed myself, I walked the dog. I watched the way her tail twitched when a bird flew by or how her pace quickened at the sight of a cat. I saw the empty space in her eyes when she reached a stick and turned around to greet me so we could play catch but saw nothing but sky in my place. I stood by as strangers stroked her muzzle and she wilted beneath their touch like she did once for mine.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to the neighbors’ yard where I left my footprints in concrete as a two year old and examined how they were already fading. I picked a few daylilies and pulled a few weeds and watched the elderly woman through her window as she read the paper with the news of my death. I saw her husband spit to***co into the kitchen sink and bring her her daily medication.

The morning after I killed myself, I watched the sun come up. Each orange tree opened like a hand and the kid down the street pointed out a single red cloud to his mother.

The morning after I killed myself, I went back to that body in the morgue and tried to talk some sense into her. I told her about the avocados and the stepping stones, the river and her parents. I told her about the sunsets and the dog and the beach.

The morning after I killed myself, I tried to unkill myself, but couldn’t finish what I started. 💙

24/01/2020

12/02/2019

10/01/2016

In a recent poll, compiled by Bovril (I believe), and reported in the "The Star" tabloid, the number one gripe in a list of gripes was "waking up and it's dark outside". That was the way I felt when I woke this morning to find a dark grey day behind the curtains - not exceptional at this time of the year - early December, when the days are becoming shorter, the nights longer and the shortest day is only two weeks away. There was no way I wanted to get out from under the snug, warm duvet. Unfortunately, Nature called, and I had to get up. The temptation was to snuggle down again. Such luxury to have the choice of being able to stay in bed or get up!

Not everyone has that luxury - for some, it is no choice because it is impossible to get out of bed and get the day started. For those with depression getting out to perform even the smallest of necessary tasks is a mammoth effort. It is worse at Christmas, when depression can attack those who would not say that they have depression - it might be what could be described as "a low mood" If these feelings start to spoil festivities, it is worth remembering that once the New Year holiday is over, then Spring and the longer days cannot be far away. Do set small targets of tasks which you want to achieve during the day and get up and give yourself a pat on the back for every small step you achieve. Break larger tasks into small steps as well and then you can pace yourself and not be too discouraged if you do not achieve your goal - tomorrow is another day to fit your small steps into.

Aim to get some exercise, even a small walk, which can lift your mood. (It is believed that walking on, or beside, grass can be beneficial to raising your mood). Try to focus on the pleasant things around you, Christmas lights, trees, decorations, flowers all the items which go with the Christmas spirit. Talking of spirits, avoid as much alcohol as you can because that is a depressant: eat as healthily as you can, even those lovely brussel sprouts. Most importantly, enjoy the company you have around you.

If you are on your own over the holidays try to find someone else who is as well and invite them to your home or go for a meal out. Go to the pub for a glass of Coke or other non-alcoholic drink Be with people you can talk to.

Do see your doctor to check if it is depression, low mood or perhaps Seasonal Affective Disorder which is caused by the lack of daylight and sunshine. SAD can cause people to become lethargic, anxious and depressed and using the tips which can help depression and low mood can help to make the lack of daylight more bearable.

If you find it too much and there is no-one to turn to, then ring the SAMARITANS on 08457 90 90 90 or the organisation BREATHING SPACE on 0800 83 85 87 : both have experienced people to listen to you and to talk to you. If you believe it is SAD which affects you, then Google the website, www.sada.org.uk for more information and helpful comments.

27/09/2014

Oran mor is Gaelic and means "The Big Song". I chose this as a title because I believe that life is a big song. Some songs are happy, gay, cheeky, and enjoyable; lullabies can be comforting;others are not as fortunate and unhappiness can last for a short time or a long time.
I see my job as trying to help those who have some distress to work their way through it until their song is a happier one.