23/04/2025
H e a l i n g D o e s n ‘ t H a v e T o B e B l a m e y 🏹
Engaging in therapy often involves looking back through childhood and exploring the factors that have fed into who we have become as adults. This can bring up many complex feelings and realisations.
There is a temptation to blame our parents for many (or all) of our problems, and sure they have definitely played a part in who we have become!
I have noticed that many of us hold an unconscious belief that our parents should be perfect people and that they ought to have ‘nailed’ their parenting, to have known exactly what they were doing. (That belief, in turn, can deeply affect how we judge ourselves as parents too).
I just don’t believe it is as black and white as that…
‼️There are so many varying family situations and this is not a blanket post covering all of these.‼️
What I share below is for parents, adult children (who may now be parents themselves), and those of us who are both. My hope is that it expands our thinking and deepens our compassion—for ourselves and for our parents. ❤️🩹
I hope you feel seen…
🌀 Many of us become parents before we are ready.
🌀 Many of us started parenting before we had unpacked, or even understood our own childhood experiences.
🌀 Many of us cannot explore our childhoods as it feels like we are betraying, being disloyal or ungrateful to our parents.
🌀 Many of us don’t realise that the way we were raised shapes the way we raise our own children.
🌀 Many of us hurt our children without meaning to.
🌀 Many of us carry unforgiveness towards our parents for their mistakes.
🌀 Many of us don’t adjust the way we parent to suit the different personalities/natures of our different children.
🌀 Many of us have had no parents to guide us with our own parenting.
🌀 Many of us are truly doing the best we can with the resources we have.
🌀 Many of us struggle with our parents’ lack of self-awareness.
🌀 Many of us believe “that’s just how it was for me” and carry that forward unconsciously- even when it’s not ‘best’ for their child.
🌀 Many of us are still traumatised by things we have experienced. (Many of us don’t realise we are).
🌀 Many of us find it easier to blame our parents than to take responsibility for ourselves.
🌀 Many of us are overwhelmed by the conflicting parenting ‘advice’ online.
🌀 Many of us find it excruciating to own our parenting ‘mistakes’.
🌀 Many of us are in conflict with the other parent about how to raise our children.
🌀 Many of us don’t know how, or know it is possible to repair damage in parent/child relationships.
🌀 Many of us simply have no real clue what we are doing!
🌀 Many of us want to be better but don’t know how.
🌀 Many of us deeply love our children but do not know how to show it in the way our children long to receive it.
🌀 Many of us have had very little support in raising our children.
🌀 Many of us struggle to have honest, difficult conversations with our parents.
🌀 Many of us struggle to have honest, difficult conversations with our children.
>It is perfectly normal to feel anger, grief, disappointment, frustration, injustice, sadness etc when working through parent/child stuff- those wounds are real- the struggle is real 🩶😞.
>For many of us, looking at our childhood honestly is painful-too painful to even begin. But we have to ‘feel the feels’ in order to process and heal.
>Where the ‘blame game’ is strong there is less room for repair, healing, inner peace, growth and potential reconciliations.
Finding the sweet spot somewhere between blame and denial is where the magic can happen.
It’s where compassion lives, where healing can begin and where something new becomes possible. ✨✨
