The Journey Back to Life

10/11/2022

Wait, men get eating disorders?

Yes they do. And it happens far too often. But societal expectations can make it difficult for men to recognise the early symptoms of an eating disorder and ask for help. We want to change that.

If you identify as a man and have or had an eating disorder, we’d love to hear from you. Fill out our short survey now and help us.

https://www.research.net/r/eatingdisorders_in_men?utm_source=Facebook&utm_medium=Social&utm_campaign=EDAW23_Survey

01/07/2020

03/06/2020

Joyful June 2020

20/05/2020

💚 Day 3 of Mental Health Awareness Week (and what feels like day 1,000 in lock down!) 💚

I was in two minds whether to post but decided I would as I think highlighting the importance of "being kind"

As many of you know I'm not one to hide my self harm scars anymore (other than one which I'm more aware of but don't go out of my way to hide it), I've been there and done that! Don't get me wrong I've got special make up which I do use very occasionally and the last time I used it was last summer for a very special occasion; but that cover up was more for me than anyone else, which is a massive difference to how things have been in the past.

Each day I make an effort to go on a walk, today being no different. In the heat it's even more important that I can feel comfortable out and about; I'm not sweating in a million layers .... It's extremely rare now that I can remarks (that I can hear) about my arms or any other aspect of my appearance. However, today was one of those rare occasions that this happened.

A group of teenage girls (wondering how likely they where to be all from the same household but that's another issue) sat chatting away and I could feel the eyes. I had my headphones in so they're presuming I'm obvious to the comments ... sadly not! So it starts "oh my god look at her arms, she's one of those ...." it went on few other remarks thrown in as well but hey ho!

So I've got "better" at not responding ... the "smile and wave" comment from Skipper (Penguin from Madagasar ... yes I googled him!) always comes to mind and has got me through a number of other situations ... however, today the swirl round and glear technique happened. The faces dropped and they soon realised I'd heard and it was the "oh s**t she's heard" look from them all.

If you've got nothing nice to say don't!

The last thing I need to be thinking about is what others are saying. Feeling like everyone is thinking it is bad enough.

I remember being on a counselling course and being told "nobody can make you feel a certain way ... you let them" ... regardless the outcome is still the same, you feel something regardless of how it happened. I've "let" people make me feel a certain way for basically my entire life. It's probably one of the most unhelpful comments I've ever had. Others may say it's an okay comment and true and that's fine, but for me it just doesn't sit right.

Got kids? Have the discussion with them, this week is a great week to do this. I'm not saying have an in depth conversation about SH or MH I'm just saying having that check in and remind them why it's important to talk.

Basically be kind ... don't presume because there are a set of headphones in the world is completely cut out.

Stay Safe and look after each other 💚

18/05/2020

💚Mental Health Awareness Week 2020: 18th May - 24th May 💚

This weeks marks another time to raise awareness around mental health, something which at the minute is more vital than ever due to the COVID pandemic.

The past few weeks have been challenging for myself, and I know many others will also be in the same position. My mind has played tricks on me and my anorexia has at times felt like it was having a little party.

My parents and friends have been such an important part of getting me through, and thankfully I've also been able to carry on working (which is a such an important protective factor with my mental health).

I live each day knowing that it's going to be especially hard at the minute, and that's okay providing I use the support network around me when it just feels to much.

We're all in a similar position at the minute, there is so much uncertainty, and lack of clarity from the Government. There are so many conflicting views out there on how things should look; and you hope that people are following guidelines not just to keep their own families safe but to keep everyone else safe also.

It is so important we talk or reach out to someone, whether that is a friend, family member or the services which are around.

I know first hand how cruel mental health illnesses can be, what they take away from you, what they make you believe and how powerful they can become.

To others watching out for someone be their Christina to their Meredith ... As they say in Grey's Anatomy "you are my person, and you will always be my person"

29/03/2020

Well I’ve got through the first week. It’s been tough at times but I’ve managed it.

Just like the vast majority of the UK I’ve adhered to social distancing and only left my home for essential travel, this has included my weekly bloods. So it’s so vital if you don’t have to be out then don’t. The staff at the clinic where brilliant who through it was hard to see them in masks (which I totally get), when you rely so much on interaction and facial expressions to reduce anxiety and paranoia it’s something which takes getting used to.

The NHS are become stricter which even appointment like having bloods; basically if you don’t need to have them then don’t go! Sadly I do and each week I’ll be making that journey. I was quizzed within an inch of my life but the staff where lovely despite a very rambled explanation from me and an apology after as I felt awful. Should my levels drop it may result in a hospital admission and as you can imagine the thought of that in the current climate is terrifying, along with the fact I’m supported by my Mum or Dad for as long as they can stay; however this would be very unlikely at the minute. I’ve been reassured the hospital is still safe to go to and not to put it off me seeking the treatment I need. Again highlighting if you can stay at home please do!

I’ve been really busy with work still which has given me so much focus and is keep me on track during the day. I’ve kept to the time I would usually get up but it isn’t hard as I’m usually well awake by then anyway but not gone as far to get changed for work! I’m very happy in the comfy clothes!

Therapy will be conducted over the phone or through Zoom; and thankfully why I get used to it over the next couple of weeks it won’t eat into my sessions. I have no idea if it doesn’t work what will happen, especially as since I started I’m starting to notice a difference and so have the people around me which is always good.

It hit home massively yesterday that ultimately my eating disorder creates challenges which usually are just part of my everyday. The service I was under posted a letter which would support using the “vulnerable hour” which shops are offering in order to get the food which I will have in order to maintain my weight and not risk further weight loss. Which will give me the chance to actually be able to have food which I feel is safe. Due to people stock piling I have found it hard to buy key products. I’ve had more times than I care to imagine when I’ve found the food I’ve been searching for and burst into tears. I’ve been trying to use the local shop more than risk going to supermarkets when needed but again this too is creating challenges.

What’s been hard is usually even if I’ve got something in but my ED voice is niggling that none of it is right, I can’t just do trips to supermarkets until I find something. So again resulting in lots of tears.

What I would like to highlight though is there are lots of “unrecognised” carers as such; who are having to ensure that they have supporting evidence that when travelling to those they care for, that they are in fact completing an essential journey. If those key workers go down this then places many in a position which isn’t worth thinking about. It’s really hard knowing that people are still taking the p**s which then places those key people as risk.

Please think about when you’re going out. Don’t judge the majority of people who you may see when driving or leaving their home, potentially then putting themselves at risk when needing to go into someone’s home who is not in their household.

There are people doing amazing things in order to support the vulnerable people in society. These people are a credit to many and the support they offer in invaluable and I salute you.

Next week is back to work (from home), bloods and a virtual therapy session. I’m hoping it continues to be a steady path but things in place should things start to decline.

As I said throughout, please if you can stay at please do.

R x

22/03/2020

I’ve thought about changing this into a bit of a blog for the time been, especially with the impact with COVID-19.

It’s been very strange seeing the world around is raising awareness around mental health and being there for each other in February to less than a month later the population seemed to have taken a dramatic u-turn.

For me the impact is massive. Appointments are being arranged through phone or video link which is extremely difficult when you need that face to face; I need to be able to read body language, read people etc and it’s hard knowing I have weeks of trauma therapy left and I’m worried that impact won’t be the same. You’re probably wondering why? All the information will be the same but it means I can distance myself. My home is my safe place, the thought of digging and diving into my past with no one to be there should things suddenly become unsafe is creating more anxiety and even now I find myself in floods of tears just thinking about it.

I have weekly bloods, and these will have to stay regardless due to the nature of why I have them taken and with such the added pressure of potentially a hospital admission should the levels be too low.

A food shop is even more of a crappy experience that what it usually is. The thought of having more food in my cupboards is awful but I have people seeing the foods I will eat if they are out and have been brilliant in picking things up and keeping hold of them! The other day a checkout lady did a basket check and I broke into tears and I don’t think she knew what do to, to be fair she was really good.

I hadn’t been to the gym for a few weeks before they closed but have managed to find a you tube channel for yoga which I plan to start tomorrow morning to start of my new routine and working from home.

These are very strange times, lots of posts about the COVD-19 virus which I’m finding at times really hard. I’m doing my bit with social distancing but the thought of isolation terrifies me and if I’m completely honest know this would be a dangerous territory to find myself in; and I know I’m not the only one who has shared these concerns both for myself and others.

Please remember to check in people. I know more than anyone how your mind can play tricks on you. I’m trying to keep that anorexic voice at bay but to say there is a little party going on is an understatement, in fact I don’t know how people can’t hear the rave music.

It’s so important that you look after your mental health and each other’s! Carry on being kind, think about what your buying and each other.

Stay well and remember to look after yourself.

R x

02/03/2020

Today marks eating disorder awareness week.

B-eat say that “approximately 1.25 million people in the UK have an eating disorder. Around 25% of those affected by an eating disorder are male.

Recent research from the NHS information centre showed that up to 6.4% of adults displayed signs of an eating disorder (Adult Psychiatric Morbidity Survey, 2007).

The Health and Care Information Centre published figures in February 2014 showed an 8% rise in the number of inpatient hospital admissions in the 12 months previous to October 2013. The Costs of Eating Disorders report found that this is indicative of the trend in increasing prevalence over time: a 34% increase in admissions since 2005-06 - approximately 7% each year. “

Eating disorders can include anoreixa, bulimia, eating disorder not otherwise specified and binge eating disorder. Everyone is affected differently and no two people are the same.

Eating disorders are not a fad, need for attention or a lifestyle choice they are a serious mental health issue.

If you need any further advice or support please have a look at the B-eat website.

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk

17/02/2020

💕 Powerful tribute on BBC Radio x

17/02/2020

It’s so heartbreaking the news about Caroline Flack; her struggles where all over the media and she was torn apart publicly and no one deserves that, especially it was already known how vulnerable she was.

What’s sad is that the media who then tore her apart have published articles about how heartbroken they are. Rightly so the public have said enough is enough. Ownership needs to be taken.

So how does this news then ripple through people personally? For me; it’s hard. It takes me back to 2009 (around this time) where I tried to take my own life. Why? I’d had enough I wanted the pain to stop, I wanted to not be the way I was. I wanted to die. Years of constant bullying and victimisation for just being me had taken its toll. And I wasn’t in the public eye. I was a 17 year old who wanted out.

Where am I now, 11 years on? It’s still hard. Days are tough and there are times when things are really dark when I question why it didn’t work and that’s a hard thing for people who love and care for hear.

What happened changed me and not always for the best. I won’t be walked over anymore; but those consistent years of bullying left it’s mark. How? I struggle to trust. Once you hurt me it’s very hard to win that trust back; but yet at the same time I fear being abandoned once I let people it.

I’ve had people openly say “next time you do it do it properly” but yet I feel that with mental health drawing more attention in the media there is a likelihood that they will show compassion, which makes me sad, as I wonder when the topic of mental health is mentioned, how do they respond? Do they give the remakes of “they should just get on and do it? Or do they offer the empathetic response? Really I shouldn’t give it and further thought but how can you not?

I honestly hope people can learn from such tragic events, but I worry once the storm has passed people will forget that when you can be anything, be kind.

#