Ponderings at Crystaloak

09/05/2026

Just over 2 weeks ago I did something that, for me, was amazing Then last week I was at the Festival for Pagans and Witches and I went to a wonderful talk on Rites of Passage and it helped me understand just how important what I did was.

Whilst my ex husband was, until the end, a good man who understood my anxiety, I lent on him a lot for confidence. So, in myself I had lost so much confidence in doing things alone. Now that I am single I am relearning the old phrase "feel the fear and do it anyway", and Spirit orchestrated it so that I had no choice but to do a big thing.

I have mentioned before that I developed a bit of an obsession for the actor/singer/songwriter Christian Kane. I knew he was doing a convention in Aston in April but I both couldn't afford to go, and didn't think I could handle 3 days at an event along with 2 nights in a hotel, but, I had said that if he did a proper gig I would go..... and then he announced a gig.... in London.... 😲😲 There was no hesitation, I was going to have to go to London, probably on my own.

Spirit was in on it from the start. A few days before it was announced someone share a post from his own FB page and I interacted with it, meaning the algorithms were fresh and as soon as the gig was announced there it was, in my feed.

Spirit KNEW that if it was anything else I would have let it pass me by but with this there was no option. He'd not gigged in 7 years and who knows when he will be back in the UK again. I had no choice.

Then Spirit knew I wouldn't be able to handle the risk of not getting a ticket and the waiting for open sales to start would kill me so, a few weeks earlier a wonderful new friend had introduced me to a guy who lived in London and went to a lot of gigs... I messaged him and asked if he had O2 priority access... he did and within 2 hours I had 2 tickets. I bought 2 thinking I would find someone to come with me because I couldn't possibly go on my own.

And so the military style planning started... I looked to see which hotel was closest to the venue... a Premier Inn.. oh wow, I had stayed in Premiers, I knew how they worked... a twin room was booked.

I looked at the trains, the station nearest to me arrived into St Pancras, a 20 minute walk from the hotel and venue. No need to use the tube!

As the gig date got closer I realised that it would actually be better if I went alone. It would take more bravery but I would have the hotel room to myself to decompress and that was vital.

Spirit even put people in front of me that could help. My dear friend Hilary travels to London from the same station regularly and she reassured me that both were simple, other people helped me understand how the new QR code tickets worked, and others just helped me feel brave enough to do it. Finally a wonderful woman in one of the fan groups offered to meet me for a drink beforehand, so I didn't have to go into the gig alone.

I know people do much bigger things alone, every day, but this was huge for me.

The day arrived and I was packed and ready to go. I had decided to wear an autism sunflower lanyard for the bits where I felt it would help and it really did. In my local train station, while I was filled with trepidation, someone helped me find the right platform and in the hotel the desk clerk told me exactly, and clearly, how to get to my room. Honestly, if you have any hidden disabilities I urge you to get one of these.

The day was amazing, pretty much everything went to plan, and when it didn't it was solved easily (looking at you train station that advertised the wrong parking app on their website). But, at the end of it all, I got to see Christian Kane, in person, and he sang amazingly... his voice was on form, his humour and humility shone through the whole gig, from the moment he shocked us by introducing both support acts (we were NOT ready for him that early) to when he forgot the words of a song by Riley Smith. It was worth all the anxiety and planning and it is a gig that will be at the top of my list for the rest of my life.

Of course I still had to be brave the next day because I had to get home again... and once again Spirit and good planning made sure everything worked perfectly.

I mentioned earlier that it was a rite of passage, and it was. Before the gig I was someone who had been abandoned at a time when her mental health was at its lowest for a very long time. The past 18 months had brought me to a moment where I was in London, having travelled alone, at a gig that made my heart soar. Spirit had once again shown me that if I plan carefully and then trust both in It and myself I can do amazing things. As I stepped back onto the platform of my home town I felt like something had changed in me. I COULD do hard things, I just had! It hadn't been easy, I had had to be brave, but I did it!!!

There was one last thing that Spirit showed me... I can lean on friends. All through the event 2 people, Laura and Monica, were there with me through messenger. I'd set up a Hev's Cheerleaders group and added a bunch of friends that could hold my hand as I did this big brave thing. Everyone helped, but these two were with me every step of the way making me laugh, making sure I was safe, and celebrating with me.

I hope I hold onto this new found belief in myself and go on to do other amazing things. If my man does another convention I plan to go, and I might even be brave enough to meet him.

Thank you Spirit for giving me no choice but to do this!!

Final shout outs to Lizzie for checking the sound on test recordings at the gig, Sue and Jen for meeting me before and being so lovely, and everyone who listened to me babble incessantly, before and after, without rolling their eyes once... or at least not that I saw ;)

Dark days will come and go, but I will always have my trip to London to see Christian Kane

07/05/2026

This is such an important message!!

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FupfBDFod/

21/03/2026

What happens when you find your tribe....

Yesterday I had a run in with a mechanic at a garage. It had been an ongoing situation with this garage and my very old campervan. He had done the original MOT and failed it, but he was quite abrupt and rude when he told me.

I took it away and got the necessary repairs done in time for it to be eligible for a retest, and, once again he was fairly rude to me even tho it passed.

The first time I let it slide but the second time I spoke up, something that is very rare for me.

As I drove away with my pass certificate I crumbled. Old memories of me failing to be heard and respected when I stood up for myself came flooding back and I felt the fear of experiences going back decades of my life. I was in cptsd flashbacks.

I messaged some friends and they helped me process it and recover, and then I became angry... who tf did this man think he was talking to a grown arsed woman like this?!?!?!?

Today, driving home from picking my car up from my parents' I realised that this experience gave me some clarity that I hadn't had before.

I've known for some months that the pagan group I am part of is something special but I didn't realise that with that as my base I have built a life, in the last year, that is filled with amazing, progressive, kind, people. The reason this man shocked me so much was that he was old energy. Probably in his late 50s, early 60s, completely non-self-aware and blind to his male privilege, he blunders through life being rude and blunt to women that don't matter to him. When I called him out he had no idea that the way he spoke to me was in any way wrong... in contrast I have male friends who are awake and aware. They are kind by default, not out of obligation or training.

I also realised that I had had to deal with men like the mechanic while I was part of another community that I left at the end of the marriage. Whilst my friends were good people, they had around them these old energy men.... and I am done with that crap.

If I do nothing else with my new life I want to fill it with awake and aware people, people who are kind by default, people who lift up, not punch down.

I have made a fantastic start, even the friends I have that are outside the pagan group are like this... and I feel so grateful for them.

Which kind of people do you want in your life, and how are you going to go about finding them?

14/03/2026

In my meandering around Facebook I came across a dating method called The Burnt Haystack Method and it piqued my interest.

Now, I'm not at all interested in dating, I am standing strong in my feelings that, right now, I am done with romance. I'm trying not to be cynical, but I have too many wounds to heal to trust myself to make good choices. But, I am still fascinated by humanity and thought it might be interesting to learn more.

Aside from how terribly I felt the creator ran her Facebook group, and how her insistence that the man pay for dates actually entrenches misogynistic gender roles, I realised, as time went by, her method was, at best short sighted, and at worst ablist and very damaging to the neurodiverse community.

He theory is that you can tell a misogynist or emotionally immature man just by his dating profile and how he responds in messages.

Well, duh, of course you can.... but.... this isn't just the obvious balding larger men in wrap around sunglasses holding a fish. This method picks apart every single word and analyses it looking for red flags, and the rules are so numerous and complex I don't know a single man could pass the test, let alone a dyslexic or autistic man.

There was no room at all for a man to be imperfect, he had to be Disney Prince perfect in every single way in every moment.

Of course, me being me, I thought I was missing something and that my thoughts could not be accurate... until I read this article.

This dating method worries me, genuinely, for 2 reasons.

Firstly, this is leaning into misandry. The way humanity moves forward is not to become man hating. We need to see that men are allowed to be unique, clumsy, shy, and imperfect, just like we need to be.

Secondly, using this method women are encouraged to discard a section of the population that are not great at marketing themselves but can be the deepest, gentlest, caring people; autistic men.

We need to be better than this. We need to lead the way in ending superficial expectations in potential dates. Of course, if the red flags are a flying walk away, but don't cast someone aside just because they are clumsy with words on a profile!

Check out the article, it's an interesting read.

A rebellious approach to online dating has caught fire with women who are sick of most men on dating apps. But will it really help you find…

13/03/2026

This is really interesting

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FB3RPQJgg/

12/03/2026

I love this creator. She actually explains growth and healing work in such a great way.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1C8jCaWvXi/

23/02/2026

In trauma recovery we don't name & describe our pain because we're "wallowing" in a "victim mindset." We do it because getting real & specific is how actual, sustainable change happens—& we're so f*ckng over denial (on both individual & cultural levels).

23/02/2026

One of the things that isn't spoken about when it comes to anxiety, and in particular panic attacks, is that each panic attack leaves a scar. Huge panic attacks can leave you so that you don't trust yourself any more.

I have the amazing opportunity to go to a gig that I never expected to be able to go to, and I am so excited to have snagged tickets, but... as the excitement subsides I am left with so many anxieties I have to manage.

On top of the expected worries about travelling to London, possibly alone, I also have to consider the loss of trust in my ability to cope if it all gets too much.

When you've been in such a dark place that you need to be admitted, you live your life wondering when the next breakdown will happen. You are left with ptsd about just how awful it felt.

From the outside it might look like that is all in the past and they are the same person they were, but they're not.

If you have a friend who's been through dark times, there is a chance some of that darkness will linger for a very long time, cycling in their minds. "What if I spiral down again?".

So, not only will I be working on being super prepared for the journey, I am going to love myself that little bit more so that I can be sure I will be ok.

I am determined to get to this very special gig. I am determined to love myself no matter what.

22/02/2026

https://www.facebook.com/share/p/1NGXwkUsza/

19/02/2026

Off the bat I want to say that although this topic is full of the need for trigger warnings there is nothing in this post that describes anything... this is a safe post... and if it isn't please tell me what I could have done better.

I'll also endeavour to take down any comments that may be triggering

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I've been thinking about posting something for a while but I didn't want to be seen as using a bandwagon as a vehicle for clicks... but... I just read something that I wish I hadn't and want to talk about it.

I know most, if not all, of my followers are British but the Epstein situation has made it's way over the pond so it's closer to home.

If you have any trauma, of any kind, I want to say, it's ok for you to need to stay out of it, to block people, hide posts, or do whatever you need to protect your mental health.

You don't need to bear witness to this, you have done your part in surviving your own stuff, please don't let these evil people harm you again by taking on what they did to others.

Being a good human can take on many guises and there are people who are able to handle things that we can't, and that is ok. There are enough people in the world that can do what needs to be done, none of this is on you.

So please, take care of yourselves, feed the algorithms kittens and ferrets, pop by to my other page The Happy Place (I'll link in the comments) and trust that the light is doing its work without you needing to be harmed too.

Please, stay safe.

02/02/2026

Whilst I'd like to think I've made my politics clear enough to fend off right wing followers, this reel is important and complements the spiritual deconstruction I've already been working on.

If you're interested in "wellness" this is worth a watch.

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1DTqWa5TMR/