02/04/2026
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The internal push and pull
For me, socialising has always felt like a bit of a push and pull. I would want to go because I knew it could be something fun and good for me, but then the anxiety would take over and the environment would start to feel like too much, so I just wouldn’t go.
But then being alone didn’t feel good either.
I remember this really clearly when I went to Canada/Alaska on a University trip. I didn’t know anyone, other than one person slightly, and I felt completely out of place at the start. Everyone else seemed to just get how to talk, how to connect, how to be, and I felt like I was trying to figure it all out from the outside.
That first week was really hard and I hated being there. I mean so hard, I had a meltdown and a big argument with the group I was assigned to for the project. I felt anxious I was constantly embarrassing myself and that I was stupid (we were all bioscience students so).
I felt like a complete alien and literally felt like I was trying to survive there. I was counting down the days, avoiding the tasks and spent a lot of time on my own. The only part I enjoyed was the scenery as the Yukon was the most beautiful place I'd ever seen.
But in the second week, something shifted. I started to realise that I wasn’t actually disliked (my group definitely disliked me but they were only 4 people 😂).
People did like me. I just needed to let them speak to me and try to put aside what I thought they might be thinking about me.
I was annoyingly taking my ADHD wrong (halfing it to make it less strong which actually makes it release faster at a high dosage 🫣) and it definitely contributed to intense paranoia which exemplified my rejection sensitivity. ☹️
It didn’t suddenly become easy, but it became more manageable, and I ended up making some really special memories. Playing games with others in the evening, being part of something and people checking in on me cause they cared.
I think a lot of neurodivergent people sit in that space of wanting connection but finding it difficult, sometimes avoiding it, but not really wanting to be alone either.
It’s not a failure, it’s just a different experience of the world.
If you relate to this, you’re not the only one 🩵
