10/12/2024
https://www.facebook.com/share/p/LygWZXvPF33CPSTm/
Grief hit me hard this year đź’”
From seeing my pictures on social media or seeing me in the street, at work or at events…most people would never known.
What they didnt see was the crying in the car, the sleepless night or the crippling anxiety.
Because let’s be honest, who really shows that?
Unexpected grief is always the hardest to handle because it is a surprise. When anniversaries or special occasions appear on the calendar, I can brace myself, somewhat prepare for what I expect will come. The date gives me permission to sink and release. When it’s unplanned, it hits you suddenly, as if being punched in the stomach.
For me, the unplanned wave started last September, 11 years into my child loss journey from losing my son Jack. After undergoing surgery to remove a lump in my abdomen, the fog came settling into my soul and stuck…lingered. At first, I shook it off as normal, I wasn’t physically mobile, I had lots of time to think so surely it was “normal” to feel so low. But, as the weeks and months rolled on, I knew that there was more to this.
With the exception of the first couple years, I think I’ve managed to cope with the loss of my son rather well, considering.
Or at least I’ve learned to make my way through, functioned when I needed to.
Even found a way to have joy again. So, when deep despair, darkness and sadness hit me so hard this past year, it surprised me.
But it shouldn’t have. It was a year of major milestones, Jacks friends all left high school, there was prom, there was Graduation, there was the start of university/college and18th Birthdays. All moments that I had to witness whilst knowing that my beautiful boy was missing out on all of them.
As the months passed and my sadness, my fears and my anxiety heighted, I knew that it was time to talk to my amazing doctor. This was the moment that my grief came crashing down around me, but this was also the moment that I realised “I was not losing my mind” and that what I was feeling was “normal”.
How could I not be feeling so sad, anxious, worried???
This was the year that my son was missing out so many big milestones in his life.
And this year is also the year that Summer J turns 6, the same age that her big brother suddenly died đź’”
Somewhere is my subconscious, for the last 5 years, my mind and body have believed/worried that she might also die before she reaches age 6.
My role as a parent was to protect my child, keep him alive and I couldn’t do that with Jack.
I haven’t physically raised a child passed the age of 6 so it is somewhat understandable that my brain could believe this.
Tomorrow marks that dreaded day, 6 days before Summer J’s 6th Birthday. The exact time that her big brother died. I feel so many emotions, most I cannot express.
I have survived some dark days this past year and I will survive tomorrow and the days ahead.
That is something I’ve come to learn on this journey, but I still need to be reminded of at times.
Most people haven’t seen my struggles this year, in some ways, I have felt like a fraud pretending that everything was “fine”.
Over the years, it has become my coping mechanism to hide my feelings and to lock myself away from the world when I feel anything other than “fine”.
I don’t want people to think that I am “dwelling on the past” “stuck in the past” and I also don’t want to scare newly bereaved parents.
But the truth is “fine” “happiness” and “joy” can all share the space with sadness and darkness. Lingering grief or grief that returns as a surprise doesn’t mean failure, it is recognition of loss and the significance of the life that Jack had.
Though I’ve learned much in this child loss walk, grief is still teaching me.
It has taught me so much this past year. I’m finding moments I need to be gentle with myself, even all these years later.
To be ok with not being ok.
To experience the grief fully because it is valid and not apologise for being in this place.
I don’t owe an explanation of my sadness to anyone.
Maybe it just took over a decade for me to finally realise it and I really hope it doesn’t take you to realise the same xx
