10/06/2023
For the first time, the other day I had a deep realization of my addiction to approval. Being accepted and liked by other people.
I had all sorts of things planned to get done that day, but something called me to leave the to-list at home, take some magic mushrooms and go somewhere beautiful where I'm completely alone.
Once they started to take away my control I began to feel resistance and fear of letting go.
Though I wasn't completely alone, I went as far as I could from others barely able to see them at all.
I layed naked on the stones,
on the land of my ancestors old home.
Feeling vulnerable, and ashamed of my own nakedness.
Feeling the deep collective fear of hiding who we are.
The fears of being to much this or too little that. Too loud, too fat, too quite, too thin, too weird, too eccentric, too complicated, too boring, too calm, too wild, too fu**in always something.
Mycellium took me on a journey to my own illusions of self and mind games of seperation from everything else.
They showed me how insecure I am about being my true self.
They showed me how my pimples represented the lack of love I give myself. As each inflammation represented a supressed firey moment of expression I needed to give myself, but I didn't, because I thought I would just too much to someone else.
This brought me back to looking at myself through my past. Then I remembered, I've had this complex since I could remember.
Thinking that to be loved I gotta put on an act of being a girl that pleases everyone else, by playing a game of being like everyone else.
Realizing how much of myself I hide, just so someone I don't even know doesn't talk about me bad.
Always wanting for everyone to like me, when really I didn't like me,
cause I was wearing a mask.
After the ceremony passed, that same evening I spontaneously met a guy on the street in the small village where my family comes from. He was eccentric, expressive and full of laughs. Our conversation shifted to depth, about the different realities we all have. I was really enjoying the moment up until my subconscious insecurities arrived. "He's too loud. Too expressive...
I'm feeling embarrassed. What if someone hears our conversation and thinks we've gone mad!"
Then I realized he was I, in disguise.
All of a sudden I saw it so clearly.
He inspired me to truly see how stiff I've become trying to please everyone.
The amount of compassion towards myself and others has since then significantly risen.
I don't need your approval because I'm finally getting my own.
Our emotions are not a burden to be hidden under a stone as we smile pretty for a photo so no one notices the sadness behind our eyes.
Our emotions are real, sacred parts of being human, a to express them is freedom.
The more I love myself, the more I love everyone else, and the less I give a s**t if someone's gunna love me back.
I'm first relearning to accept myself, as so does a child, and so I can relearn to accept you in your true self.
Cause that's the world I wanna see.
- ๐ฆ๐๐โจ
