06/10/2024
FORGIVENESS
Forgiveness is one of the most profound and complex themes in the realm of healing, as well as in life in general. Although the act of forgiving a wrongdoer means different things to different people, when it comes to true healing, forgiveness becomes essential. But is it easy? We all know it isn’t. Is it necessary? Unfortunately, yes. There is no lasting peace without forgiveness.
The depth of our healing is directly proportional to our ability to forgive. The more we let go, the freer—and therefore healthier—we become. Many don’t realize that holding onto the pain inflicted by others doesn’t harm them; it only hurts us. And, consequently, it hurts those around us. How? We subconsciously, and unwillingly, express our unprocessed pain in every interaction, in every word, through our energy, tone of our voice, and in every subtle trigger we encounter. This can for example manifest as sudden, disproportionate anger toward those closest to us or even toward complete strangers, creating more chaos.
Those we love the most—our children, partners, family—are the first to feel the impact of our unresolved pain. Our children are the most vulnerable, followed by our partners, and eventually, everyone else. By clinging to the poison of past hurts, we inadvertently poison others, often without realizing it. This can also show up in our actions in form of procrastination, anxiety, addictions, depression, emotional instability, or even physical illness.
Some believe it’s possible to heal by finding peace with trauma without forgiving the wrongdoer. But if you’ve truly made peace with what happened, what’s left to resent? Why hold onto that fragment of hurt, pain, resentment, or hate? If peace truly resides within, there is no reason to cling to unforgiveness. Refusing to forgive is like staying imprisoned by the very pain we claim to have moved past. Even the smallest thread of resentment or hatred can create new knots of distorted beliefs, leading to fresh anger, new problems, and toxic attitudes—like a small crystal in water that accumulates new layers over time.
There are some traumas so profound that forgiveness may seem beyond human capacity. Thankfully, these cases are rare, but they do exist. Most of our traumas, while painful, are less severe—and in some cases, they may even propel us toward personal growth and a better life. However, some people become so attached to a victim mentality that they believe the world owes them something, when in fact, they owe it to themselves to be free—free to let go, free to move on. Once the trauma is over, we have a choice: to stay imprisoned by it or to choose differently. Clinging to past pain is like renting out space in your mind to the wrongdoer, engaging with them long after the event is over.
As we begin to release the trivial grievances, then the more significant ones, and eventually the deeply painful ones, we are the ones who break the vicious cycle. We stop the pain within ourselves, which in turn stops the pain we inflict on those around us. This ripple effect can spread far and wide. The more people embrace forgiveness, the more these circles of peace will overlap, and the more healing we will collectively experience.
Forgiveness is a way of remembering our past differently—one that gives our future new hope. Sometimes, forgiving the one who hurt us can feel harder than enduring the trauma itself. This means the part of us that clings to the pain no longer needs the perpetrator to keep it alive; we become our own wrongdoer. We judge ourselves harshly, and ultimately, it’s us who turn that hatred inward. The perpetrator may be long gone, indifferent, or unaware of the harm they caused. So, who’s hurting you now? The trauma may have ended, but the one perpetuating the pain now is you. And often, the hardest person to forgive is yourself!
So, do you really want to keep punishing yourself? Likely not.
Start small. Forgive for your own sake. Lighten your life, and you’ll see how it transforms the world around you.
Vedrana
