05/07/2025
Dear Precious Being,
Again I'm not sure about sharing my journal entries and reflections on this page. I don't see myself publishing another book and so this is my current way of sharing bits of self expression that might resonate or support one person in some small way. Am I being arrogant? Attention seeking? Lonely? Possibly, probably, all of this and more. Anyway, here's my offering today.
" There's nothing like being ill to bring you into the present moment, where I find myself re-evaluating priorities, making plans and promises to myself etc.
It's a time when many thoughts, feelings, and body sensations are sharper, more acute, even have an urgency that is usually missed in daily life.
Yesterday I was thinking a lot about end of life and death and at 70 I accept that moment is getting closer all the time.
I have noticed this summer, maybe it's because I have more time to sit and breathe and to observe, that the birds are singing so sweetly, the flowers are strikingly colourful, the trees are magnificent, the clouds amazing, the floral perfume in the garden is breath taking, and it has crossed my mind that I live in Paradise. The beauty around me in our garden is profound at this time. I will miss nature at the end. Of course I am with the season of summer, the other seasons have their personalities too.
I will miss this earth, this place I call home, I have glimpsed and felt the ache of loss in my heart and have cried in anticipation for it.
These past few days I've been reflecting on forgiveness and what it might mean. Suffice to say I am still reflecting on it.
This exercise of letting go the past, and what no longer serves me, has more to do with supporting my recovery than focusing on my death!
I understand that forgiveness is for my well-being and has little to do with others. Forgiving myself is a gift of healing for me. Forgiving myself for times I did or did not choose a path that supported my growth as a person, acknowledging poor decisions, hearing the 'darkness' as she whispers" bad mother, wife, sister, friend" and "you were weak for leaving, or, for staying" and "you always fall into old patterns of self-sabotage etc".
For some reason these self-attacks come crawling out of the darkness at night and at times of vulnerability. Maybe that is their gift...because usually for me, the Buddhist/Chinese Goddess of Compassion and Mercy Kuan Yin or some gentle Presence also finds its way into the picture to balance the scales. This kind Presence brings understanding and softness to the times of life's failures and mistakes made, and right action not taken. She reminds me of my humaness.
I always think that the power of journaling and creative self expression is a form of confession which allows me to love myself again.
I am reminded that this is the purpose of the Sacrament of Penance in the Christian religion. I confess my wrongdoings and am released from carrying them further. I am asked to repent, to regret and have remorse for hurt caused to other or/and self. I am asked to go forward in light and love and not sin again.
In this sacrament and its process of forgiveness and reconciliation, I am asked to let go resentful and negative feelings towards others who have wronged or hurt me. I don't need to to forget the actions, or restore friendly relations with them. I am asked to be willing to let go, so I can have personal healing, reduced anger and a sense of peace.
This letting go of stored hurt and anger allows a space for grace and a re-connection with the Sourse or Divine energy (if this is your belief), and with self (and other if that is your deepest wish).
For me it allows me fall back home into the arms of Love.
And so here I am back full circle in my exploration and reflection today. I can see clearly how I would like some form of 'last rites' when the time comes for me to leave this beautiful world. My soul needs it - my wrongdoings acknowledged, my remorse heard, my humanity witnessed, so I can rest in peace. This way I don't carry unnecessary baggage on an energetic level into the next realm.
This post may seem morbid, but the word I am experiencing in this moment is - clean.
May you have good health and peace today!