24/02/2026
We all grieve in our own way, but there are some things that are common to us all.
Grief can affect us numerous ways: anger, sadness, anxiety, poor sleep, hurt. Usually, it brings our mind to the loss or the painful parts of memories of the departed. It can focus us on that pain and loss and keep us from remembering the good times, the happiness which that person brought into our lives, the contribution they made.
At times like that, when the pain is real and high, we are more vulnerable than usual.
Our risk of sinking into depression, anxiety and poor physical health is higher than usual. What we do as we grieve will have a big impact on our future and on the people around us who care about us.
Today I want to talk about 3 common reactions or behaviours that often accompany grief and which harm a lot of people.
They are:
Isolation
Not eating right
Mistaking hurt for a sign of love
All are natural and all can be harmful. We won’t always be able to step out from them in every moment but recognising them can make it easier more often to engage in behaviours that are healthier and more helpful.
When we’re upset, we often avoid people and activities. However, social isolation increases our risk of depression, anxiety, and cognitive decline. It also impacts physical health negatively too.
When possible, it’s best to still engage with the world as and when we can. It’s not all or nothing. Some days we will be able to push ourselves and be more social and some days we won’t. If we can increase our social engagement it will help.
We can only do our best, be gentle with yourself as you go.
Not eating right is very common with many types of distress.
Stress hormone, tightened muscles from the distress, and lack of motivation can all play a part. It’s not as simple as us not wanting to eat, if actually feels harder to eat.
Recognising that and making a plan is important.
We may need to change our eating habits. Maybe smaller more frequent meals are an option. Perhaps using supplements for nutrition will help. We will all differ, but putting a focus on making sure our food intake is fit for our needs in terms of maintaining health is very important.
If we’re becoming malnourished everything will feel worse.
Mistaking hurt for a sign of love is a natural cognitive illusion with grief.
We feel that unless we are in pain that somehow it would be saying ‘they didn’t matter’ or that we didn’t love them as much.
Somehow the mind confuses honouring the person who has passed with a need to keep feeling the pain of that parting.
Most people I’ve helped with grief have felt this, but they have also acknowledged that the person who has passed would never want them to keep hurting years after they passed.
We have to work to remind ourselves that pain is not the same as love.
It’s ok to still live and not to hurt. That doesn’t mean we don’t care, or that we somehow didn’t love them or any negative judgements like those.
We can honour them in more useful and healthy ways.
There’s no one right way to grieve, but I would suggest we try to minimise aspects of grief, which, while natural, are likely to make things worse in terms of our physical and mental health.
Death is a part of life we can’t avoid. I have no big answers on that. While we are alive, I would suggest we look to reduce hurt and suffering, support and encourage others, and live as fulfilling a life as we can.
With that in mind, consider these points in your own way:
Don’t isolate
Don’t mistake pain for love
Prioritize a health diet
Don’t shut down the grief entirely
Don’t wallow in the grief entirely
Remember that looking after yourself is not the same as not caring.
Consider what triggers the sharpest grief and control how much you engage with those triggers. It’s OK for the mind to go to positive things too.
When grief is recent it is usually sharp. It's normal to feel hurt and loss. However, please don't let it lead to isolation. Keep in touch with friends and loved ones. We are important to others so let them in, let them help with any suffering, even if it's just through having company.
Grief usually lessens over time as the mind works through it. It's estimated that 2 years is the usual time for grief to resolve itself to being less painful. The loss may always be with us, but the pain element in it should be much less sharply felt after time.
In cases where grief is still 'locked-in' years later it can act like a trauma where the hurt pressures the emotions and creates stress reactions. If suffering painful grief long after a loss, I'd strongly recommend seeing a trauma therapist to help reduce the pain of it.
The big advantage of this is not just less pain in life, but that usually we will find we can remember the good times and celebrate the life of the person who has passed on and not just be drawn to the feelings around their passing.
Here are two short articles from the mayo Clinic on dealing with grief and reminders of grief. I hope they help some of you.
https://www.mayoclinic.org/patient-visitor-guide/support-groups/what-is-grief%C2%A0
https://newsnetwork.mayoclinic.org/discussion/7-steps-for-managing-grief-and-loss/
Feel free to get in touch with questions or for recommendations for help in your area. I’m always happy to help find someone nearby who can help.
Change is easier than you think.
All the best,
John
info@JohnPrendergast.ie
085 1313700
www.JohnPrendergast.ie
John Prendergast MA, MBACP, is an award-winning specialist in Anxiety and Psychological Trauma. His area of interest is the fear system of the human mind and body, and his work centres around reducing suffering for individuals one-on-one and in groups. He lived decades of severe anxiety in his own life before finding help and then studying with some of the world’s leaders in reducing anxiety, resolving PTSD, and living happier lives. He sees clients in clinic in Athlone, Westmeath/Roscommon, Ireland, and around the world via Zoom. He also delivers training to businesses and through seminars across the UK and Ireland.