20/05/2025
WHEN ACCOUNTABILITY BECOMES ONE-SIDED
(A section from my next book: Bonds and Blessings)
=================================
In some families, a subtle but damaging pattern emerges where accountability is unfairly concentrated on one individual. Often, this person becomes the emotional focal point of the household, absorbing blame, criticism, and scrutiny, while the rest of the family operates without question or self-examination. Though this may not always be intentional, it gradually shifts the emotional and relational balance within the family. This is more than a conflict—this is a structural issue within the system of accountability.
Take, for example, a family I recently met—two accomplished professionals raising three adult children. Over time, the father became the target of ongoing criticism, particularly from the eldest daughter. His past decisions, parenting style, and even tone of voice were put under a magnifying glass. Naturally, his response was to turn inward. He began questioning himself: Where did I go wrong? Were my intentions misread? Have I failed as a father? He started retreating—not from his family physically, but from his role as the emotional anchor. The energy he once gave to guiding and protecting now redirected inward, focused on self-reflection and self-defense.
And while this was happening, something else took shape quietly but significantly. The other family members—perhaps unconsciously—began bypassing their own responsibilities. The children started booking holidays without informing their parents, arriving home late at night, making independent decisions without regard for family consensus. But no one noticed. Why? Because all the attention was still fixed on the father—what he said, how he reacted, what he should have done differently.
This dynamic closely resembles what psychology refers to as scapegoating—a defense mechanism where a group displaces its collective discomfort or conflict onto one individual. By blaming this person, the group avoids confronting deeper or shared issues. Though the father might not fit the classic “identified patient” model as seen in clinical family therapy, the parallels are clear. The focus on his flaws became a diversion from other underlying problems in the family system. As long as he remained under the spotlight, others were, in a sense, emotionally exempt from their own accountability.
Eric Berne, in his seminal work Games People Play, might describe this scenario as a variation of the psychological “game” called Now I’ve Got You, You Son of a B****. In this game, the “target” is set up to fail or be accused, and the moment they slip—no matter how small the mistake—they are harshly confronted. It’s less about the specific action and more about maintaining a moral high ground or justifying one’s frustrations. In the family context, this can become a cyclical pattern where the person under scrutiny constantly apologizes, adjusts, and self-corrects—yet nothing is ever quite enough to appease the unspoken tension.
This one-sided accountability distorts the relational fabric of the home. It denies others the chance to reflect on their own behavior. It also places an emotional burden on the “target,” who must manage not only their perceived faults but also carry the discomfort that others are unwilling to own. And when the person under pressure is the father figure—traditionally seen as the stabilizer or boundary-setter—the system falters even more. The family is left without a compass, not because the father abandoned his role, but because he was gradually pushed out of it.
True accountability in families is shared. It calls each member to look inward, to examine how their words and actions impact the collective. When it becomes lopsided, the family loses its balance. Healthy families cultivate spaces where reflection is mutual, not weaponized. They resist the temptation to reduce complex issues to one convenient “culprit.” Instead, they seek restoration, not blame—conversation, not confrontation.
