Nikki S. Kavanagh / Death Doula

Nikki S. Kavanagh / Death Doula Contact site for Irish Death Doula I will be adding complementary sites and services in this section so please bear with me as I build this page

23/12/2024

I am going to share a post from a wonderful human who has been given a terminal diagnosis. They know they are walking towards their final journey. I couldn't share the post to this page so I am copying and pasting as this post spoke so much to me. I have always noticed that people avoid mentioning death at all, even when talking to close loved ones. It can be very difficult to find words and express your heart. This post might help anyone who is around someone that has been given a terminal diagnosis.

Credit: @ walking the bone road

Wonderings
Why is talking about mortality so difficult?
Since my diagnosis, more than a few friends have said they don't know what to say to me, or even how to communicate with me.

It's odd to take in, that to them, I'm somehow different, yet to me, I'm just the same old me. All that's changed is a doctor has put a label on me.

Our culture hides illness and death away, it is medicalised, sanitised, hidden behind curtains and hushed voices. It's not so long ago that cancer patients were often not told their diagnosis, presumably to protect them, in case the news broke them? I'm pretty sure most of those folk knew, and being unable to openly talk about it must have been terribly isolating. I remember my grandmother mouthing silently that someone had, you know, cancer. Like it was a dirty word or even giving it voice would bring damnation.

Today, I think that things have changed somewhat. I do hope so for half of us will have a cancer diagnosis at some point in our lives. Whilst I hate the pink-wash that breast cancer gets, there's no doubt that this and other campaigns have made cancer a less taboo subject.

That is, until it's incurable. When we can't fight like warriors, pink beribboned warriors, that's when conversation dries up.

I remember when I was first diagnosed in 2018, the main thing I was scared of was it killing me. But each time I voiced this, even to my nearest and dearest, it wasn't taken seriously. I was told so many times to not think about that, it wouldn't happen to me. So I buried it tight in my chest, like a bitter secret, this fear of dying. The fear I had to protect everyone from. It's a lonely place, holding that alone.

And yet, I'm guilty of falling into the same trap. I visited a friend the week before she died. Everyone in the room knew that the end was near, yet we talked of everything BUT that. The big, fearsome elephant in the room remained unnamed. To this day, I regret my cowardice. I didn't want to be the one to say anything to upset her. But I'm sure she was open to talking about dying, maybe even hoping we would start the conversation, I'll never know.

This experience was one of the reasons I began training as a death doula. We need to rediscover how we talk about the uncomfortable truth- we are all walking towards death. No one gets out of this alive!

So, here are a few gentle pointers, all personal to me, but maybe it'll help you feel a bit more comfortable around folk like me:

1- I'm still me, you're still you. That hasn't changed. However we interacted before, we can still. Telling jokes, talking rubbish, asking questions, it's all good.

2- Don't be afraid of the D word. I guarantee we have been thinking about it endlessly, so nothing you say will come as a shock. Let's bring back the D words!

3- How are you? is BIG. I struggle to answer that one. How are you today? What are you feeling today? These are so much easier to answer.

4- Don't think you have to have the right words. Spoiler alert- there are no right words, no magic words. Nothing will make this ok. It isn't OK. But knowing you have reached out with whatever words cone out, that means the world.

5- if you really want to develop your difficult conversation skills, for all those tricky situations in life, I highly recommend these two books:

Being rock, by Mandy Preece. This book will help you communicate better with your family, partner and even us awkward stage 4ers. Mandy is a wonderful, caring soul midwife and teacher and I have learnt so much from her.

Listen, by Kathryn Mannix. Kathryn has worked in palliative care for decades, and she shares many examples of how effective, thoughtful communication can be life changing.

So, if you've made it this far, thank you. Is this too long a ramble?

None of this is said to blame or shame or whatever. I know this stuff is tough. But part of my "mission" is to open up these conversations.
With love
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An annual, online festival that lifts the lid on everything death & dying, through conversations, interactive events, works...

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There is a lot to be said for the kindness of decent humans ♥️

It is not long since the screening of The Last Ecstatic Days. I came in here to see if anyone had sent any questions and...
22/09/2024

It is not long since the screening of The Last Ecstatic Days. I came in here to see if anyone had sent any questions and this post came up in my feed. Because I am still very much in that space, it felt like synchronicity when I saw these words from this absolutely wonderful lady called Gabby, who is a hospice nurse. And then some. I can only hope that when my time comes that I have someone like Gabby at my side ❤️

I am often asked by those at the bedside of someone who is dying, “do they know that I am here?” My answer is always, “yes.” I have had the honor of being present for at least two thousand last breaths and it is in those moments where my lessons have become so valuable. Dying is such a sacre...

There are still some tickets left if anyone would like to see the film The Last Ecstatic Days, and it's free! 8pm IST to...
22/09/2024

There are still some tickets left if anyone would like to see the film The Last Ecstatic Days, and it's free! 8pm IST tonight ❤️

Get tickets for the virtual screening of The Last Ecstatic Days

18/09/2024

Hi everyone,

The film "The Last Ecstatic Days" is screening this Sunday night at 8pm IST. Please make sure you click the link for the film to get your tickets as you must have a ticket to access the viewing.

Please allow emails from Kinema as I have sent invites to participants to join a video call before and after the film has screened. Looking forward to seeing some of you there ✨

Send a message to learn more

Hi everyone.The film screening for The Last Ecstatic Days is now available to regsiter for tickets at Kinema. It is a ci...
10/09/2024

Hi everyone.

The film screening for The Last Ecstatic Days is now available to regsiter for tickets at Kinema. It is a cinema screening site. The tickets are free to everyone who registered with me for the viewing. I have some extra tickets available for anyone who might like to join us. The screening is on the 22nd September at 8pm IST precisely. I will be in the "cinema" from 7.30pm to welcome everyone and give you the chance to ask questions or just to have a chat.

https://kinema.com/events/the-last-ecstatic-days-ev7otv

Just click that link above and register for your ticket. The event is free. It is an opportunity to see an incredible film. I think I have expounded quite a lot already about the film but I cannot recommend it highly enough. I wish the whole world could see it. Please let me know if you have any questions or any difficulty accessing the link.

I have paid for the film but if anyone feels like donating to the fee charge my paypal is nikkikava@gmail.com. This is not a necessity! This is purely if you would like to help with the cost. I wanted to make the film available for free for anyone who wants to see it.

Get tickets for the virtual screening of The Last Ecstatic Days

10/09/2024

Hi Everyone,

The film The Last Ecstatic Days is now available to register for your free tickets. Please go to https://kinema.com/events/the-last-ecstatic-days-ev7otv and register for your tickets. You must have a ticket to attend the viewing. The viewing will be shown on 22nd September at 8pm IST. I will be in "the cinema" from 7.30pm IST to welcome you and be available for any questions you might have. I am really looking froward to seeing everyone there. Thank you again for your interest in the film.

If anyone wishes to contribute to the licensing of the film I would be grateful for any donations. My paypal account is at nikkikava@gmail.com.

Send a message to learn more

24/08/2024

Good afternoon! Am just letting everyone who has enquired about the screening of the film "The Last Ecstatic Days" have an update and book their places for the screening. I have managed to cover the licensing fee so will be able to screen it for free. If anyone wants to contribute anything towards the licensing please pm me.

So, the screening will take place on Sunday 22nd September 2024 at 8pm BST. I am hoping that this time enables the most people who have enquired about the film. This should be accessible to most of you. Closer to the time I will be sending everyone the meeting ID. The film will be screened on Zoom so everyone will have FREE access to this screening.

I believe that this film is massively important as a wonderful tool to show people that there is an alternative to dying in hospital/hospice - no matter how sick you are. It is a wonderful example of Death Doula's at work. The film is a very special piece of work.

The subject of the film, , was an incredible human who wanted to teach the world. It is my absolute honour to share this message. Ethan had a YouTube account where he documented his illness. That page is still available if anyone is interested in learning a bit more about his journey and who he is.
Am listing everyone who has enquired here to ensure you all see the post. Any queries about the film please pm me.

Many thanks for your interest in this stunning film.
Taylor Stars Beyond Our Skin, a beacon for end of life community support Soul Esscents Aromatherapy & Healing Schmitt Sunny O'Reilly Leonard Garvey Moran Stritch Rowe Apple Sheree Statum Camel

03/08/2024

Hey everybody! Right so....most of you know about the work I do. I am an End of Life/Death Doula. I was recently lucky enough to be able to watch a viewing of a ground breaking film called "The Last Ecstatic Days". I have mentioned it once or twice!! Well, I have the opportunity to host an online viewing of this film. Now, the film is about the death of an amazing human called . He decided, that as this would be his last experience as a human, that he wanted to be as fully aware as possible through his final journey. This film is about that journey. It's an experience of "conscious dying". It is one of the most profoundly moving stories I have ever witnessed.

So. This is a very special film. It opens a door that has been closed for so very long by the "Death phobic" society we live in. To me it could remove or lessen some of the huge fear that people have around Death and Dying. Some people have never even experienced being present at a Death. This film will change that. I think it is a hugely important work and wish it was available for the whole world to see. It also gives you an idea of how Death Doula's can be of huge support through this experience

In order to get the licence to show the film I need to have an idea of how many people would be interested in viewing this film. So am putting this post out to everyone. If you have any interest in viewing this film could you please get in contact with me so I can go forward with the viewing. I plan on showing it in the latter half of September. It will have a profound impact on your life. It certainly did mine ❤️

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