28/09/2023
I MISS MY DAD …
There are so many more eloquent things I could say but they are all just flowery ways of wrapping up the feeling that I miss my dad.
I’ve been thinking so much about him recently: the way I miss having his council during tough times, the way I wish I could cook Sunday lunch with him and dance around the kitchen, the way his strong arms made me feel truly safe no matter how mean someone was being or how alone I felt, the way we could walk together and he would talk to me about nature, and life and philosophy even though I was only a little girl…
But the thing I miss most, the thing that brings tears to my eyes + visceral pain in my heart every time I think of it: is the fact that he never got to meet my son. He never got to hold his perfect little hands in his, he never got to throw him in the air and catch him in his safety net of love, he never got to see the similarities in his face , and form + depth of feeling, he never got to look me in the eyes and say “ I’m proud of you for being a great mum”.
Every year that goes by his face fades a little in my memory, I have hardly any photos and because he died when I was only 9, the memories are all coloured with a child’s perspective and not as vivid and nuanced as I’d like.
This year I got to bring my boy to meet my dads brothers and it was such a powerful + poignant time: prickly with the bittersweet feeling of loss and grief and also beauty and connection and the tangible sense of lineage…
My sweet boy took his uncles and hands in his + stroked them, and sat on their laps , and learnt to ride lawn mowers + go searching for snakes in the long grass and it was as like that gap was closing and those scars were starting to heal and I could feel the value in family and that blood line connection in a way I probably haven’t understood before.
I don’t have anything specific to say here other than that if you are grieving , know that it takes time, but there is learning that comes from loss + sometimes healing arrives in the hidden moments you had never imagined, and joy from the most mundane of things.