17/06/2025
Finding Your Power:
The Circle of Control (and What to Let Go Of)
As an emotion-focused therapist, I often see how easily we can get caught up in feelings of stress, anxiety, and overwhelm. It's like we're trying to hold onto sand – the harder we grip, the more slips through our fingers.
One tool that I've found incredibly helpful, both for myself and for my clients, is something called the "Circle of Control."
Now, it might sound a bit… clinical, but trust me, it's all about finding your power and creating a little more peace in your life. Instead of feeling tossed around by every wave, it helps you identify where you can plant your feet and take a stand.
Let's keep it simple: Two Circles, Two Choices
Instead of breaking things down into lots of categories, let's think about it in terms of two main areas:
What I Can Control: This is your inner domain. It's where your true strength lies. Think about it:
* Your Actions: How you choose to respond to situations, the steps you take (or don't take).
* Your Thoughts: The stories you tell yourself, your inner dialogue. This is huge, and often where we have the most work to do.
* Your Choices: From what you eat for breakfast to how you spend your free time, you're making choices all day long.
* Your Effort: How much energy you put into something, your dedication and commitment.
* Your Self-Care: How you nourish your mind, body, and spirit.
Are you taking care of yourself?
What I Can't Control: This is everything outside of you. And honestly? It's a long list. It includes:
*The Past: What's done is done. We can learn from it, but we can't change it.
* Other People's Actions: What they say, what they do, their choices… it's all their journey, not yours.
* Global Events: The news, politics, the state of the world… it's easy to get swept up, but you can't control these things directly.
* The Weather: (Yes, even the weather!).
* Traffic: (I know, frustrating, right?)
And so much more…
The Magic Question: Where Should I Put My Energy?
The key to the Circle of Control isn't just identifying what's in each circle, it's about making a conscious choice: Where am I going to put my precious energy?
Think of your energy like a battery. If you're constantly trying to change things you can't control, you're draining your battery on a dead-end street. You'll feel exhausted, frustrated, and powerless.
But when you focus on your Circle of Control, you're plugging into a power source. You're taking action where it matters, and you'll feel a sense of empowerment, even in difficult situations.
Emotion-Focused Therapy and the Circle:
As an emotion-focused therapist, I see the Circle of Control as deeply connected to our emotions. When we feel out of control, it often triggers feelings of anxiety, fear, sadness, or anger. By understanding what we can and can't control, we can start to regulate those emotions more effectively.
It's not about suppressing our feelings, it's about recognising them, validating them, and then asking:
"Okay, I'm feeling this… what can I do about it, within my Circle of Control?"
Some practical examples:
You're worried about a job interview: You can't control if you get the job, but you can control how you prepare, how you present yourself, and how you follow up.
You're upset about something someone said: You can't control their words, but you can control how you react, what you say in response, and whether you choose to address it with them.
You're feeling anxious about the future: You can't predict what will happen, but you can control the steps you take to prepare, the information you seek out, and how you manage your anxiety in the present moment.
It's a Practice, Not a Perfection
The Circle of Control isn't a magic wand. It's a practice. It takes time and effort to shift your focus, and you'll probably slip up sometimes. That's okay! Be kind to yourself. The point is to keep coming back to the circle, keep asking the question, and keep choosing to empower yourself.
By focusing on what you can control, you'll find a greater sense of peace, strength, and resilience, even when life throws its curveballs. And that is a powerful place to be.
