Ceartig Therapies

06/10/2025

School anxiety, school avoidance, it may not be what you think it is.

So often the responses to school anxiety will actually make anxiety worse. These responses are well intended and come from a place of love, but they can backfire.

This is because the undercurrent of school anxiety is a lack of will or the wish to be at school. It’s a lack of felt safety.

These kids want to be at school, but their brains and bodies are screaming at them that it isn’t safe there. This doesn’t mean they aren’t safe. It means they don’t feel safe enough.

As loving parents, the drive to keep our kids safe is everything. But being safe and feeling safe are different.

As long as school is safe, the work lies in supporting kids to feel this. This is done by building physical and relational safety where we can.

Then - and this is so important - we have to show them. If we wait for them to ‘not feel anxious’, we’ll be waiting forever.

The part of the brain responsible for anxiety - the amygdala - doesn’t respond to words or logic. This means the key to building their capacity to handle anxiety isn’t to avoid anxiety - because full living will always come with anxiety (doing new things, doing things that matter, meeting new people, job interviews, exams). The key is to show them they can ‘move with’ anxiety - they can feel anxiety and do brave. Kids with anxiety are actually doing this every day.

Of course if school is actually unsafe (ongoing lack of intent from the school to work towards relational safety, bullying that isn’t being addressed) then avoidance of that particular school might be necessary.

For resources to support you wish this, I wrote ‘Hey Warrior’ and the new ‘Hey Warrior Workbook’ to help kids feel braver when they feel anxious.

And if you live in New Zealand, I’ll be presenting full day workshops for anyone who lives with or works with kids on the topic of anxiety driven school ‘avoidance’. For more details see https://tickets.mentalhealthtrainingnz.com/events/mentalhealthtrainingnz/1787436/r/csa.♥️

07/09/2025

02/09/2025

It’s not uncommon for our PDA children (and many other children!) to show an active interest in villains, anti-heroes and even horror. I’ve consulted with many families, who’ve shown concern around their child’s apparent pleasure in illustrating themes consisting of blood and gore.

While it’s completely reasonable to feel concerned about this, I want to touch on a few points to shed a little light and some perspectives that may not have been provided.

1. When you’re a child who is accustomed to being corrected, reprimanded, punished, misunderstood (and let’s not overlook how many children also do not have insight into their own behaviour and internalise confusion and thinking they’re inherently flawed), there isn’t a lot of representation of characters on TV or in the media that are relatable. Disney characters, morning cartoons, whatever it may be, it’s really very common for our PDA kids to be drawn to characters they can relate to behaviourally such as villains when we’re not relating to Disney Princesses or typically do-gooder characters.

2. Having an interest in horror is not an instant identification for ‘psychopathy’ or any antisocial personalities or traits. Equally, a person being identified as ‘antisocial’ is not an instant identification for someone who harms others. We’ve got to stop making this connection. Lower empathy, no empathy, sociopaths, psychopaths (using the language we see in the media here) as a few examples do not immediately equate to people who are serial killers. I know this is blunt, but let’s not dance around it. I’m a person with multiplicity, and I’m nothing like the characters portrayed in the media around this, such as the movie “Split”.

These stereotypes harm people.

3. Pathologising, disapproving of, or shaming a person around their interests when we’re concerned about them may push them further into a shame spiral, calling for them to hide such interests which may result in relational infractions in a person’s sense of self and the way they relate to others. For the PDAer, it has the potential to push them even deeper into the interests we're concerned about when we voice concerns.

So how do we handle a child deeply invested in horror, blood and gore?

By being curious. By not panicking. By asking ourselves: do we also think movie directors, designers and creators around horror are secretly people who set out to harm others? Or are they invested in their art?

Honestly, horror is not for me. I cringe, I don’t want to see it or know it. I don’t get the appeal. But, many people are drawn to it for a myriad of reasons.

🖤 Curiosity About the Unknown

Horror gives kids a safe way to explore scary or taboo topics such as death, monsters, and danger without actually being at risk. It’s a controlled way to peek at the “dark side” of life, then retreat back to safety.

🖤 Adrenaline & Excitement

Fear activates the same physiological responses as excitement: racing heart, sweaty palms, heightened focus. Horror can feel like a rollercoaster ride..terrifying and thrilling at the same time. Some kids just love the rush.

🖤 Testing Their Own Limits

Children often use horror themes to measure their own bravery. Watching a scary movie, reading a creepy story, or playing a horror game lets them ask: “How much can I handle?” It’s a form of self-discovery and self assessment of capacity for emotional risk.

🖤 Identity & Expression

Kids might latch onto horror aesthetics such as ghosts, skeletons, witches, vampires because they resonate with a developing sense of individuality. It can also be a way of standing out or expressing an affinity with “outsider” culture.

🖤 Social Bonding

Horror is often shared! Telling ghost stories at a sleepover, daring each other to watch a spooky film, or laughing after a jump scare. Fear can be a surprisingly powerful bonding tool and “outsider” culture and/or exploring our interests will often draw us to our neurokindred, or at least peers who share our interests.

🖤 Processing Real Life Fears

Sometimes kids explore horror themes because it helps them process real anxieties. Monsters, zombies, and ghosts can act as metaphors for worries about school, family conflict, or just the unpredictability of life. Facing imaginary fears gives them practice for handling real ones. One of my children used to draw a monster as a toddler and after some time, I learned they were referring to the beast they didn’t understand but knew it’s power - PDA. This allowed me to start supporting them to learn more and understand PDA in different ways.

Of course, context matters. For some kids, it’s lighthearted fun. For others, it could be a way of coping with deeper stressors. It’s of course crucial that we are reasonable and cautious in terms of what access our children have to age appropriate and safe content. Horror can vary in content and not all is safe.

When I discovered my own child was hiding their horror drawings from me, and after some time, they shared they were concerned I’d be upset, I knew I needed to approach with care. We chatted about it, I reassured them it was okay, I asked questions to understand, checked in with my own big, bad triggers, learned as much as I could and I signed them up to some creative classes revolving around horror.

Yes! I did!

As a Mum with a combination of at home learners and school attendees, we get creative in how we learn. And if my child has a passion and an interest, particularly a creative one, I want to do what I can to support that interest and disarm any shame or internalised worries around it for my child.

So, I signed them up to a Minecraft horror themed group, and a creative horror writing class. They were pumped!

This also allowed my child to approach me and ask if I was truly okay with it all - a great opportunity for us to learn from one another regarding our interests, emotions and differences.

Finally, I always encourage families to trust their intuition around where their child is at, and if you have any concerns regarding additional behaviours alongside horror themed interests, it doesn’t hurt to check in with a trusted professional. Intuition, however, is very different to what the media and society at large portrays in terms of good and bad, behaviourism and pathologisation of children.

This week, I'll be sending out a free guide: 'When Children Love Horror: A Guide for Parents & Carers'. To access it, just make sure you're signed up to our mailing list and you'll find it in your inbox later in the week.

To join our mailing list, click here: https://www.kristyforbes.com.au/rejoin

(I'm a PDAer, I will *never* spam you.)

Does your child have an interest in darker themes? How have you managed your family experience with this?

KF

📷 Charles Parker.

15/08/2025

Smart Moves is a suite of evidence-based short sessions  to give young people small, learnable skills that increase resilience.

14/08/2025

A child who clings to you, who seeks your comfort first, who lights up when you return — this is not a flaw to be fixed.

It is not a warning sign that they will never stand on their own.

It is the evidence of safety, of trust, of a love so consistent it has become their foundation.

They know where they belong.
They know who will show up.
They know they are wanted.

And from that knowing, independence will grow naturally — not from being pushed away, but from feeling secure enough to step out.

A child who is very attached to their parent is not a sign of a problem; it’s a sign of a well established bond of love.

That is all. ❤️

Quote Credit: Unknown❣️

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16/07/2025

“I actually want my children to question me and push back. I want them to know they are safe to show resistance in this relationship. I want them to know their voice has power and their own wants, needs, thoughts and feelings are important. Does this make things harder when I want them to put on their shoes? Sometimes, but it’s a small sacrifice I’m willing to make for the development of their autonomy.” J. Milburn⁣⁣⁣
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Learn more about this in my latest E 📖 ⁣⁣⁣
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Finding Your Calm: A Responsive Parents Guide to Self-Regulation and Co-Regulation⁣⁣⁣
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Link in bio or on the Website: responsiveparentinginspirations.com⁣⁣⁣
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13/07/2025

Many of us are carrying something from childhood.

Reading Hyland, P., Vallières, F., Cloitre, M., Ben-Ezra, M., Karatzias, T., Olff, M., Murphy, J. & Shevlin, M. (2021). Trauma, PTSD, and complex PTSD in the Republic of Ireland: prevalence, service use, comorbidity, and risk factors. Social Psychiatry and Psychiatric Epidemiology, 56, 649-658.

13/07/2025

An absolute truth.

🫶

Thanks, Diversity Doodles via Synergetic Play Therapy Institute

02/07/2025

How boredom is not so simple.

Can We Teach Children to Be Bored?

In a world wired for instant entertainment, many children — especially neurodivergent ones — find the idea of “being bored” not just uncomfortable, but almost unbearable. As adults, we often hear ourselves say, “It’s okay to be bored!” But for many young people, particularly those who are ADHD, autistic, or who have sensory sensitivities, boredom isn’t a passive experience. It can feel overwhelming, confusing, even painful.

So the real question is: can we teach boredom? Or more importantly — should we?

Let’s rethink boredom. It’s often framed as a gap that must be filled, a lack of stimulation that needs a quick fix. But from a neuroaffirming perspective, boredom is actually rich with potential — not because it forces children to sit still or learn patience, but because it offers a chance to explore how their minds work when there’s no script. That’s valuable — if it’s safe and manageable.

For neurodivergent children, however, boredom isn’t neutral. It may activate anxiety, dysregulation, or a sensory need to move, stim, or seek input. An ADHD child, for example, may not feel boredom as a quiet hum, but as an itch under the skin — a physical, urgent need to do something, anything.

Teaching boredom in this context doesn’t mean insisting they “sit quietly and deal with it.” Instead, it means helping them notice what boredom feels like in their body and guiding them in safe, empowering ways to respond.

So what might that look like in practice?

🌀 First, validate the experience. “You’re feeling bored — that’s a real feeling, and it’s okay.” No shame, no dismissal. Just recognition.

🌿 Second, expand the definition of rest. Some kids need to fidget, doodle, pace, hum, or stim in ways that help them find calm — and that is their version of downtime. We don’t need them to be still to say they’re “resting.”

🔍 Third, offer gentle scaffolding. Instead of “figure it out on your own,” try: “Would you like some ideas, or do you want to try something new?” This keeps autonomy front and center without leaving them adrift.

✨ Finally, celebrate curiosity. Many kids don’t resist boredom because they’re “spoiled by screens,” but because they haven’t yet learned how to trust their own interests when external structure fades. Show them that their sparks — dinosaurs, Minecraft, space, drawing blueprints of imaginary rollercoasters — are enough. That their brains are wired differently, not wrongly.

So no — we don’t teach boredom by forcing it. We teach children to meet boredom — with curiosity, self-awareness, and kindness. For neurodivergent kids, especially, this isn’t just about “coping.” It’s about thriving on their terms.

Photo: Hello beautiful roses. You clearly loved all of the rain earlier this year.

23/06/2025

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) has long been thought of as a condition affecting males. But more women and girls are being diagnosed as our understanding of it deepens. This is due, in part, to learning that ADHD in girls can look different than it does in boys.

For instance, girls are more likely to have inattentive ADHD, in which daydreaming and shyness are common. Conversely, it is more typical for boys to have hyperactive-impulsive ADHD or combined type ADHD.1

If left undiagnosed, ADHD in girls can result in disadvantages such as a lack of accommodation in the classroom, low self-esteem, and self-blame. It can even affect mental health well into adulthood. Being aware of the different symptoms of ADHD in girls can help you know when it might be time to see a doctor for an evaluation. (Verywell ❤️)

Image Olympia Therapy PLLC ❤️

20/06/2025

When kids act out, push back, or fall apart, it’s not defiance. It’s a signal.
A signal that something feels too big, too hard, or too overwhelming.

Instead of jumping straight to consequences, try this:
💬 “That was a big reaction — are you okay?”
💬 “Looks like something’s feeling tricky right now.”

This doesn’t mean we excuse the behaviour.
It means we meet the need behind it — and guide them from there.
Because connection is what builds cooperation. 💛

📘 Find more tools like this in my book Guidance from The Therapist Parent — available at www.thetherapistparent.com or via the link in bio.