30/04/2026
Scrolling through FB today and reading some emails, I am constantly amazed at the lack of knowledge about where to start with supporting those with SM especially teenagers. Before we jump to “getting a teenager talking”, we need to ask a much more important question:
Do they feel safe enough to communicate at all?
One of the biggest misunderstandings around selective mutism is the assumption that silence is simply a lack of speaking behaviour that can be “worked on” through prompting, encouragement, rewards, speech practice, or direct elicitation.
But speech does not sit at the top of the pyramid.
It sits at the very end of a long chain of neurophysiological, emotional, sensory, relational, and communicative processes.
Many selectively mute teenagers are living in a state of chronic threat. Their nervous systems are not calmly choosing not to speak — they are protecting them. In that state, direct demands for speech can increase panic, shame, freezing, dissociation, and avoidance.
Before speech work comes:
• felt safety
• trust
• co-regulation
• autonomy
• reduction of performance pressure
• predictable interactions
• sensory safety
• relationships without hidden demands
• acceptance of all forms of communication
• reduced monitoring and scrutiny
• opportunities for success without speech
• nervous system regulation
• connection before expectation
And perhaps most importantly:
The young person needs repeated experiences of adults who are safe to be silent with.
Teenagers with selective mutism are often exhausted by years of being watched, prompted, praised for tiny verbal responses, discussed in front of others, or treated as communication projects rather than human beings.
Speech may emerge when safety emerges.
And sometimes progress looks like:
– staying in the room
– communicating nonverbally
– tolerating proximity
– laughing
– texting
– whispering to one trusted person
– showing personality through actions before words
Those things are not “nothing”.
They are foundations.
If we skip the foundations and go straight to eliciting speech, we risk building intervention on anxiety rather than connection.
Communication grows in safety, not surveillance.
There’s lots in my upcoming book about this and Dawn and I will be delivering training and workshops on it
