28/04/2020
❤️ C O M M U N I C A T I O N / R E L A T I O N S H I P S
I recently heard an item on radio regarding the difficulties in relationships and that there would be many separations/divorce following this ‘lockdown’ period whilst we are working to contain Covid 19. It occurred to me that this could be a wonderful opportunity for couples to actually use this difficult time to try to improve their relationship with each other.
In normal times, the relationship, of many couples who experience difficulties, seems to survive when there is a distraction from the core issues that cause the problems. People would normally be busy working and maybe participating in all the other activities available to them. This Pandemic has taken these freedoms from us, for now, and as a result some people are experiencing terrible difficulties and unhappiness in their relationships.
My thoughts turned to what I might be able to do to help. This help is on the subject of communications, and I will add little hints and tips along the way. I hope that it may be of benefit.
EVERY relationship goes through its challenges! However, if we can see each challenge as an opportunity rather than a problem, then we’re off to a good start!
Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. Of course, at the very beginning of a relationship, we become attracted to the person. This may be described as a ‘form of madness’! Madly in love, is the term used! This attraction keeps the relationship going for a time and can certainly continue and deepen when the communication channels are open.
The ‘Host’ of these channels is called AWARENESS. The first thing to know in getting this ‘Host’ going is that……
What another person says is about them.
What I say, is about me.
Here’s an example of how communication difficulties arise: Let’s say we have a couple, any couple, we’ll just call them partners.
When something like the following is said to us…..we really do believe that it is about ourselves….because we haven’t learned to ‘Host’ the AWARENESS. And these difficulties arise simply because we are human.
Your partner says……with anger,
“You never listen to me!”
“You always put me down!”
“You always want it your own way!”
“You are never there for me!”
“You promised that you would, and you didn’t!”
“You are so thoughtless!” “You are always nagging!” “You are so selfish!” “You don’t love me!
Questions to you…..Are any of these familiar? How would you receive these messages? Would you feel set-upon/ verbally attacked? Would you feel angry/frustrated, unloved, depressed and/or exhausted? Would you be fuming at the unfairness of it all?
If this is the case then you are hearing your partners ‘YOU’ messages as being ABOUT YOU. This is the first awareness…..what your partner says is about THEMSELVES. So, let’s take a look at the example “You never listen to me”. Your partner does not feel heard, and is unlikely to have felt as though they have been heard, for a very long time. They have used the word ‘never’ “You never listen to me!”
The likely response when we feel verbally attacked is to counter attack….we might even throw in a bit of sarcasm.
“Well, I didn’t hear that you got any medals for your listening, you never listen to me either!”
This is a very common and human communication pattern. We can feel very strong emotion in times like this. The good news is that EMOTION IS NEITHER RIGHT NOR WRONG. It just is! The emotion that we feel cannot hurt another. However, it is WHAT WE SAY AND DO with it that can create the hurt to another and, indeed, to ourselves.
Looking, again, at the examples, can you notice how many times the word YOU is used?? When we speak in YOU MESSAGES, the person hearing this will generally take it personally, feel aggrieved and will snap back, being the exact opposite of the key point of the AWARENESS – What another says is about them. What you say is about you
Try to avoid the words of ALWAYS AND NEVER. They are not helpful when we are trying to improve communications.
Try to be aware that when emotions are high, the ability to be rational will be low. Agreeing to take a break from the situation can be helpful to allow emotions to settle. Agreeing to come back and sort it is an important part of resolving issues.
S K I L L S
What skills can we use then that will help to resolve issues that arise? Let us look again at the example “You never listen to me!”
1} ‘I’ Messages are very helpful and are the opposite to the YOU MESSAGES. For example, if we were to change the message YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME to an ‘I’ MESSAGE….It might sound something like the following….
I feel dismissed and hurt when you walk away from me.
I feel hurt and ignored when you don’t answer me.
I would like us to talk about this and get it sorted. Picking the right time is important….if it’s the wrong time, it’s like trying to teach somebody to swim WHEN THEY ARE DROWNING (in emotion)
‘I’ Messages are a way of speaking about your inner world, your feelings, your thoughts. It is a major way of TAKING RESPONSIBILITY for yourself, your feelings and your needs. It is a way of OWNING your own feelings.
The opposite of OWNING your feelings is to BLAME the other. Blame is a way of ensuring that the same or similar issues will continue to arise in the relationship creating a block to the couple’s happiness.
2) Identify what you are feeling. In this kind of situation it is probably as mentioned previously, hurt, anger, frustration, unloved, depressed, exhausted. Both in the relationship will feel aggrieved.
3) Identify what you need. … time with your partner, commitment from the partner to do what has been promised, need to be heard, etc.
Actions need to match the words that are spoken. There is not much point in either one saying… yes, yes, I’ll do that/we’ll do that ; for a promise to be made and for the promise not to be fulfilled by the action.
Words and actions need to match.
4) Use ‘I’ Messages…
I would find it helpful if you could do……..
I appreciate when you…….
I’m unhappy when you raise your voice.
I don’t like when you shout at me.
I would really like if you could show me some patience.
The ‘I’ MESSAGES do take some practise. Everybody finds them a challenge to begin with and can easily fall into the YOU MESSAGES, again. However, with a little patience with yourself and your partner the thinking around it becomes easier.
IT TAKES TWO PEOPLE TO MAKE ANY RELATIONSHIP
WORK.
5) Compassion…when we choose to feel compassion for the other it allows us to be willing to hear what is going on for them. It truly is a big effort to make this choice because having felt wounded by what sounds like an onslaught of words, we can feel like taking to a bunker to protect ourselves!
To improve a relationship, ONE of the partners must choose to start the healing with COMPASSION. I think Lord Tennyson said in a poem “better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”. Compassion is a courageous step and does not feel easy. So have courage!
Compassion for the self is important too….most of us judge ourselves very harshly, being our own worst critics. We wouldn’t treat our best friend with the harshness that we tend to treat ourselves with. Human beings are just human and not super human. We have all been hurt in some way or other and carry these hurts which can be triggered in a couple relationship. Certain situations bring pressure to bear on relationships and this is certainly the case in these very difficult times.
Of course, some relationships do break up but I hope that this information will go some way in creating an opportunity to resolve any challenges, create renewal and build a much stronger and healthy relationship. ❤️
