05/07/2021
Do I have to obey my parents?
I find this question to be misplaced. It is a question that is less about religion and more about the filters we wear when we hear the word “obedience”. Oftentimes, it is what is underneath this question that offers a solution.
Instead of answering this question, I might have a person ask themselves the following questions:
- Does being 'dutiful' and 'obedient' mean that I must protect my parent from every discomfort and negative feeling? Am I disobedient if my parent is unhappy with me? Am I hindering this person’s growth process by protecting them from seeing their own flaws?
- Is what I am doing “people-pleasing”, or trying to protect how they see me? Is this really a matter of my own self-confidence? Do I need their approval to believe that I am a “good enough” person?
- Do I believe that I must treat my parents as if they are my children? Do I believe in the myth that people become “like children” as they age? Is this more a matter of my social programming than actual reality? Am I doing things for my parent that they can do for themselves?
- If my parents are elderly and incapacitated, how much responsibility do I need to shoulder before it becomes a burden? If I choose to seek help to caretake them, do I see myself as deficient? Am I able to communicate my capabilities? Are they received well or am I guilted into doing more?
- Was I taught to sacrifice my needs in favor of my parent’s needs? Am I overextending myself out of guilt because growing up my parents sacrificed their needs and now they want me to return the favor?
- Am I playing the hero who needs to save everyone? Do I enjoy feeling special, needed, or admired when I take care of others? Do I inadvertently keep people in a victim position instead of empowering them to take care of themselves?
- Does obedience mean sacrificing my physical or mental health especially if I feel that growing up my parents did not meet my needs or protect me from harm (in the cases of abuse and trauma)? Does obedience mean submitting myself to physical or emotional harm by them if I do not do as they say?
- Do my parents use obedience to control me? Do they mention their rank and their rights to get their needs met?
- Does obedience mean I must agree with everything my parents say and follow their way or the highway? Does my agreement with them or silence to oppression translate as loyalty? Or do I allow myself to disagree and set healthy boundaries while still being connected to them?
- Does obeying my parents mean that I am supposed to be “perfect”, and only with their approval and blessings will I believe that I am a good enough human being?
- Am I over-functioning and becoming their parent, instead of just focusing on being their son/daughter? Does being the caretaker for a parent mean taking care of every need, or can I expect them to take care of the things that they are capable of doing?
- Does obeying my parents and being the “best” to them mean that I have to do things exactly the way they want? Or can I just be “good enough” and maintain my responsibilities? Ex. cooking food exactly how they want vs just cooking food; or giving them a large share of my money vs giving them how much money they need, or as much as I am capable of giving without neglecting my other responsibilities.
- Do I tell myself that I am a “bad Muslim” if I don’t do things the way my parents tell me? If restoring balance in my life means giving less to my parents, do I tell myself that I am deficient, flawed, or sinful?
With many of these questions, the answer is “it depends on the situation” and requires analyzing the situation deeply. It is not a clear-cut yes or no answer. As therapists, we see that the question most often arises from past trauma, authoritarian parenting styles, abuse culture, and is less about the underlying meaning of the Islamic ruling. Once those filters are cleared, and a person is on a path of healing, it is easier to understand the intent behind the ruling, and the exceptions that might apply to their situation.
We need to take off our filters of abuse, trauma, codependency, and perfectionism, and understand what is underneath these questions. In a healthy situation where needs are mutually fulfilled, their healthy trust and family members can feel both connected and protected, there is a natural inclination towards treating others with value, especially our parents. Also, it is easier to take care of someone who admits their vulnerability, is actively growing, and can admit their past shortcomings. But when we have been deprived, and things are out of balance, we struggle with “the rules”. Islam is not black and white, superficial, or devoid of mercy for all. Let’s learn to see Islam raw and unfiltered.
