01/11/2023
We reached our daughter’s school to attend PTM.
While Noor and her mother made an entry into the register at the counter, I walked to the admin block to meet Principal Sir.
After a short cordial talk with him, I placed Noor’s badminton & declamation win certificates on his table and asked, “SIR, WHERE IS THE MOTHER’S NAME?”
The certificates carried only Noor’s and my name. Mother’s name was absent and I rarely saw mother’s name on any such achievement of our girl. Though the mother never complained, I never felt okay with this. Point needed to be raised and I am glad, I did so today.
Principal Sir, looking at the certificates and visibly upset, replied, “Mother has equal contribution. How can we miss her name?”
He appreciated me for bringing this up, took out a beautiful pen and wrote this point in his diary (to be applied going forward). I felt at peace talking about it, thanked Sir for his thoughtful response and left.
I joined Noor & R**t in the corridor and we went to meet teachers in the classrooms.
We entered one classroom and sat on vacant benches. Many parents & kids were sitting, waiting for their turn to talk to Teacher. I looked all around and started to feel nostalgic (memories of my own school days came alive. I imagined a little boy, sitting on a school bench, heart full of dreams and twinkle in his eyes).
I smiled and started looking out the windows. Saw a vast stretch of beautiful mesmerizing mountains. My thoughts went back to the words of Principal Sir:
“Mother has equal contribution. How can we miss her name?”
He obviously didn’t want to imply that one parent’s role is any smaller than that of the other.
Both are equal & contribute equally to the development of a child.
We all say this, but IS IT TRUE?
Is the contribution of woman & man equal or society has incorrectly stated it to be so and everyone accepted it, because the one making greater contribution never objected?
My unchained spirit started seeking the truth with an impartial heart.
I turned & looked at my daughter who was sitting beside me on this small school bench. She was looking at her teacher and unaware of what’s going on in my mind.
I looked at her hair: neatly done and tied. I didn’t do it. Her mother did it. Glimpses of her mother oiling her hair, massaging her scalp, washing, drying, combing/ styling her hair came to my mind. I never helped in any of these activities.
I observed her nails: well-cut and well-kept. I have never cut them. I remember being so scared of cutting the hyponychium (skin under free end of nail) that I always chickened out when it was time to cut them. Her mother took care of this since the beginning.
I looked at her dress, which is bright and pretty. I didn’t get it for her. Her mother did. I despise shopping, so almost all her clothes including uniforms over the years, are picked up and tailored to her frame by her mother. Also, I have no idea when her clothes are cleaned and ironed. Her mother takes care.
I noticed her shoes: nice and new. I don’t know when and where these were bought. I didn’t even care to see what my child was wearing on her feet today. But she sure has someone who is constantly concerned about her (from head to toe) and will stay so throughout life: HER MOTHER.
It is strange that I didn’t help in any of these matters. On top of that I never acknowledged or appreciated these amazing contributions of a devoted mother.
I looked around the classroom. So many adorable children, well-dressed, well-groomed, from head to toe. Is it mostly the work of moms? I might be incorrect. Not all fathers would be like me.
I started listening to what the fathers and mothers discussed with the Teacher. What is their area of interest relating the child?
I observed that most fathers talked little. When they talked, it was mostly about performance, grades, discipline, etc.; however, when mothers talked, they discussed all this and much more. Unlike how we make fun of women for talking/ chattering endlessly, I realised that they converse with so much sense & depth.
Mothers urged Teacher to give more feedback, got into introspective broad-range discussions: cared to ask if the child eats properly at school, what could be the reason that the tiffin comes back half eaten, if the food is warmed properly, if child is drinking cold water from cooler and if someone can keep a check on it; how is the friend circle and if the seats need to be changed, how the handwriting/ spellings/ drawing can be improved (moms conversed about this in detail); discussing challenges related uniform/ shoes/ hairstyle/ braid, etc. Asking when a particular test/ exam/ event or vacation would commence (as mother might need to organise other things/ plans around it).
After hearing all this, I realised that a mother's whole universe revolves around the child. Her child is the very centre of her existence. She once carried child in her womb and now she carries the child forever in her heart and head.
When one mother was talking about tiffin/ food, it occurred to me that I never made or packed Noor’s lunch. Never had to do anything in this regard. I was never even asked. Not even once in a decade. Every single meal, every single dish, was all taken care of by her mother. I am curious: how do mothers manage? Not a single break in years? Do they not fall sick or get tired?
I got an answer by visiting my own childhood. My mother used to have terrible headaches/ migraine which would last for days. I remember she used to vomit due to pain, medicines didn’t work, red eyes, swollen face and dupatta tied tightly around her head, she would still get up, cook for us and do all other chores as well. There was never a day in school life when I went to school without a good lunch. You see, a mother never backs out, never complains and never gives an excuse. On the contrary, she tries to hide her suffering and works through her pain, tears and traumas, without a break and without breaking down. When it comes to her children, she is unbreakable, unsinkable and unstoppable. Even when she is sick, she will wake up in middle of the night, to check on her children. She will pull a sheet over her well-fed and well-kept babies, who sleep soundly as this angel watches over them. Even in her sickness and in her sleep, she doesn’t stop being a mother. Now I understand why I never had to pack Noor’s lunch. No matter what happens, A MOTHER IS NEVER OFF-DUTY.
Now, I look around the classroom and ponder: How many of these mothers would have endured a very tough pregnancy & childbirth (terrible nausea, vomiting, starvation, swollen face/ hands, headaches, gestational diabetes, high BP & related complications including protein in urine; the kidney/ heart/ gut issues, brain swelling and even seizures (eclampsia); not able to sleep, not able to breathe, pain in bones/ back and joints, hours of agonizing labor, a severe perineal tearing or episiotomy, C-section and related complications; infections/ hormonal shifts/ diastasis recti (tear in abs), big stretch marks/ weight gain/ disfigurement/ self-image issues/ mood disorders and suicidal post-partum depression which may last for years). Every year, around 10,000,000 (1 Crore) women suffer from injuries, infections, or diseases associated with pregnancy/ childbirth.
Now I am thinking about the mothers who are absent in this classroom. No, I am not referring to those who couldn’t come to PTM today. I am thinking about those who once went into labor/ delivery room/ OT/ hospital to give birth and never came out alive.
Even in this age of advance medical care, almost 300,000 (3 LAKH) WOMEN DIE EVERY YEAR due to complications related pregnancy or childbirth.
For all women who will be delivering today, more than 800 of these mothers will pass away (in just a single day).
We lose one mother every 2 minutes; however, if you ask a woman, what is the happiest moment of her life, you know what she says:
“IT IS THE TIME I BECAME A MOTHER.”
She refers to this NDE (Near Death Experience) as the happiest moment of her life. She goes in all alone, kisses the death on the cheek and comes back with a beautiful baby in her hands as a gift to her family & to this world. Lying in the hospital bed, she might be in excruciating labor pain for hours, might be deformed, her bones & organs pressed & shifted, her skin/ muscles/ uterus/ perineum might be cut open, bleeding, she might never look the same, but she doesn’t think about all this, she tenderly holds her baby close to her, tears of joy in eyes, thankful to God, beautiful smile on her face, she refers to this time & this state, as the greatest moment of her life. She has become the strongest entity in the cosmos now. SHE HAS BECOME A MOTHER.
She has created life. From her fortitude & sacrifice, the next generation has been born, Human species will survive. She just took a 0.005 cm of spermatozoon contribution from a man and she built a whole ‘flesh-blood-bones’ human in the utter darkness of her womb, at mindboggling speeds (78+ organs all so different in their shape, structure & functions made in mere 2-3 months), then she also delivers her creation with a dare that this may be a one-way journey for her & she might not come back alive. She still goes ahead. Even death doesn’t dare her. A MOTHER IS UNSTOPPABLE.
She is a Fearless Creator & an Amazing Nurturer. She will devote her entire life to raising, protecting, and nurturing her child/ren. She does not ask for much assistance in the process, nor does she seek any acknowledgment, praise or credit for what she does. Her heart only knows how to care & give till her last breath. A MOTHER is a picture of unlimited unselfish love & boundless unending devotion. None can match her strength & her sacrifice. If you want to see the face of God, look for one in a mother’s face. Reminds me of quote by my favourite writer/ poet, Sir Rudyard Kipling, “God could not be everywhere, and therefore He made MOTHERS”.
Every girl God has made, carries a mother inside. You will see this mother in the way a sister protects her siblings. In the way a girlfriend asks her beau if he had food and if he is okay. In the way she stands by him. In the way when there is a financial crisis, a wife comes forward with all her savings of lifetime to get her husband and family out of trouble. In a way a daughter takes care of old parents when sometimes the boys desert them (she doesn’t). In a way when the years of marriage pass on and she accepts her husband to be like her stubborn naughty cute child who will not improve. She becomes his true companion & ardent care taker in later stages. The scientists can try to find out for years as to why women outlive men, sometimes reasoning that it is due to wars/ dangerous jobs/ stress or the lowering Y chromosome in men that causes more health issues in them, etc.; however, the truth is that the woman has simply decided not to die any sooner because in her absence the whole family can crumble. A doting mother inside her just doesn’t want to pass away without fulfilling her divine roles. That is why when a mother has died in the OT giving birth to a baby, doctors simply put her crying baby on her bosom and she comes back to life (hearing her baby cry). It is her call of duty that makes her wake up from a dead state and assume her responsibilities. She wants to stay, to thrive, to love, to care, to support, till as long as she can. This devotion alone makes her outlive men. No matter how tough life gets, she wants to serve and she does, till her last breath.
For someone who serves till her last breath, we repeatedly push her behind the curtains and disrespect her (omitting her name on imp documents is just one way we do it). It is not just about the sports or declamation win certificates, her name is absent on almost all imp documents: PAN card, Driving Licence, Aadhaar, Passport and numerous more.
In many cases, a mother is all that a child has to call a parent because the father is absent (a child born to a r**e victim/ born out of wedlock or live-in relationships that didn’t become life-long relationships or scenarios where a man has simply chosen to walk out of marriage, leaving the mother & child behind, not caring and not contributing), it is so wrong to ask this child and mother to put father’s name on so many documents at so many places. The mother who proves enough to raise the child on her own, her name should also be enough to fulfil all requirements on every document and at every office. Even if rules are made in this regard, it will take a very long time for us to actually give mothers a truly respectable place in our minds and on our papers.
By writing this article, I am not trying to belittle fathers or men in any way, I myself am one. Asking for equal rights and fair treatment towards one should not amount to belittling of the other. I only pray that we should not disrespect women and mothers. Omitting her name from certificates and imp papers is a kind of disrespect we have given them over so many years. Let’s not keep insulting them anymore.
ANY SINGLE PIECE OF DOCUMENT/ CERTIFICATE THAT IS CREATED IN ANY PLACE FOR ANY PURPOSE BIG OR SMALL, MUST CARRY THE MOTHER’S NAME TOO.
She also is a parent and she deserves to be mentioned. In certain cases, her name should be enough. No child should ever be led to feel or believe that her/his mother is not enough.
A Devoted Mother is a Living Deity!
Let’s treat her like one.
Love & Regards,
Master Trainer Prashant
