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20/10/2019

LONERWOLF
Walk the path less traveled
19 Signs You Were Raised By a Narcissistic Mother or Father

by MATEO SOL / 10 MIN READ / 304 COMMENTS

Learning how to understand and make peace with your childhood is one of the most healing and empowering experiences you could ever go through.

As the son of a drug-addicted narcissistic mother and totally absent father, I know how important it is to come to terms with your parent’s mental illness.
When we were children, we looked up to our parents for support, encouragement, nurturing and love. But when we were denied these things, we developed a variety of beliefs, behavioral patterns, and coping mechanisms to help us survive in such a difficult environment. As adults, we often play out these same coping mechanisms, often to our own detriment.

The thing about being the child of a narcissistic mother and/or father is that it often contributes to something known in shamanic terminology as soul loss. Soul loss is the inability to contact or experience our souls due to the unresolved wounds, traumas, and fears we’ve accumulated over the years.
The first step in healing this soul loss is to be willing to explore what you went through as a child. This process of exploring the narcissistic actions of your parent isn’t done to condemn them or to victimize yourself. Instead, this process is done to help you understand the root cause of any pain you’re still experiencing, to learn how to release it, and to move on with your life. This becomes a strengthening and rejuvenating process.

19 Signs You Had a Narcissistic Mother and/or Father

The thing about having a narcissistic mother and/or father is that you have been taught to believe that you are the crazy and imbalanced one, instead of them. This causes you to constantly doubt yourself and any feelings you have about them.
Another major sign of being raised by narcissists is the constant guilt you struggle with. In other words, while you might suspect that there is something “off” with your parents, you feel ashamed to think about them in such a way, and you tend to start beating yourself up instead.
But there is a very good reason why you’ve come to this article. And while you may still have lingering doubts, I hope the following information can clear your mind.
Firstly, you should know that there are two main kinds of narcissists:

Engulfing Narcissists — these are parents who see their children as extensions of themselves. In other words, engulfing narcissistic parents become obsessively involved in your life to an extreme extent. They don’t respect your boundaries or acknowledge you as a separate person.

Ignoring Narcissists — these are parents who have very little interest in their children. Ignoring narcissists clearly see the boundary between themselves and their children. As a result, they neglect to take care of their children or show an active interest in their lives.

Depending on what type of narcissistic parent you have, you’ll struggle with slightly different (but similar) issues.

So …

How does a narcissistic mother or father behave?

Here are some of the main signs:

They tried to control you through codependency

They laid on the guilt thick

They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted

They liked to “get even” with you

They never respected your boundaries

They competed with you

They “owned” your accomplishments

They constantly lied to you

They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings

They constantly insulted you

They exerted explicit control over you

They gaslighted you

They “parentified” you

They had a “favorite” or “golden” child

They reacted intensely to any form of criticism

They projected their bad behavior onto you

They never displayed any empathy

They were infallibly correct and never wrong

They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders

Keep in mind that there’s a difference between narcissistic behavior (which only comes out every now and then) and narcissism. We all have a tendency to be narcissistic given the right circumstances (such as high stress). But narcissism is ongoing, chronic, and pathological.
I’ll go into these nineteen signs more in depth below:

1. They tried to control you through codependency

In other words, you were told by your parent/s, “Don’t leave me. I need you. I can’t live without you.” This made it impossible for you to live an autonomous life or establish independent priorities other than catering to the needs of your parent/s.

2. They laid on the guilt thick

Another method of controlling you was to constantly guilt trip you into doing what they wanted. They may have told you, “I’ve done so much for you, I’ve sacrificed everything for you.” As a result, you felt indebted to them and as though you “owed” them complete obedience.

3. They only loved you when you did what THEY wanted

Your parent/s withdrew love very easily. If you failed to do what they wanted, they would either punish you severely or give you the silent treatment. You had the impression that they only loved you when you PROVED your worth to them.

4. They liked to “get even” with you

When you did something “wrong” or against their will — even in the smallest way — they made sure they punished you. This petty and childish way of “getting even” may have been subtle or very obvious. For instance, they may have deliberately sabotaged something you cared about, broke something of yours, or hid something to get back at you.

5. They never respected your boundaries

There wasn’t any “private” space to call your own growing up. Your narcissistic mother or father would go through your room and private belongings, without a thought, sometimes even using what they found against you.

6. They competed with you

If you ever got something nice, they took it from you or got something nicer to “out-do” you.

7. They “owned” your accomplishments

Whenever someone complimented your achievements, your parent/s would instantly jump in and shift the attention to themselves. For example, if someone congratulated you for winning a soccer trophy, your parent/s would butt in and say something along the lines of, “Yes, she gets it from me. I was always athletic as a child.” They love the spotlight and frequently stole it from you.

8. They constantly lied to you

Your parent/s lied to manipulate, control and take advantage of you in some way, shape or form. You never knew what you could trust was “real” or truthful around them, or whether they were setting up a hidden trap for you to fall into.

9. They never listened to (or cared) about your feelings

You felt that you could never share your feelings with your parent/s because they would either make fun of you or talk about themselves instead. Somehow, whatever issue you faced as a child was spun into a pity party for them, not you.

10. They constantly insulted you

Your narcissistic mother or father berated, demeaned and harassed you on a constant basis. They may have even latched onto an insecurity of yours and used it to humiliate you.

11. They exerted explicit control over you

In other words, when you didn’t obey them, they would punish you. The message was very clear, “Obey me, or I’ll punish you.” You were punished through emotional or physical abuse including emotional blackmail, hitting or beating.

12. They gaslighted you

In order to control you, they used a psychological manipulation tactic known as gaslighting. What this means is that they would deliberately make you feel crazy, or cause you to doubt your sanity, in order to gain the upper hand. This led to the development of constant self-doubt during your childhood, adolescence and present life. Read more about gaslighting.

13. They “parentified” you

As a child, you were expected to “parent” your parent, or behave as a surrogate parent to cater to their needs, instead of them catering to yours.

14. They had a “favorite” or “golden” child

In your family, there was the “golden” child and the “scapegoat” child. In other words, one child was seen as perfect and capable of doing no harm. The other child was seen as the black sheep and the cause of all issues (this is also known as an identified patient). These roles could have also switched frequently.

15. They reacted intensely to any form of criticism

Did you ever criticize your mother or father? What was their general reaction? If your mother and/or father was a narcissist, they likely reacted in an extreme way. They would scream at you and likely physically hurt you through smacking, or some other method.

16. They projected their bad behavior onto you

For example, if you were in an argument, your narcissistic mother or father would hysterically scream at you, “ How dare you talk to your mother that way. Go to your room. We’ll talk after you stop screaming at me.”

17. They never displayed any empathy

They never asked about your feelings, sympathized with you, or cared. They seemed to be solely interested in their own feelings.

18. They were infallibly correct and never wrong

Even when they made a mistake or treated you in an unfair, or unjust way, they never apologized for their mistake. When you confronted them about it, they denied all accusations and tried to spin the blame onto you.

19. They liked to present a perfect family image to outsiders

Your parent/s went to great lengths to ensure that others perceived you as a loving/successful/enviable family. Likely, you were very aware of this ploy but kept silent for fear of wrath from your parent/s.

How to Confirm That You’re the Child of a Narcissistic Mother / Father

After reading through this list of symptoms you might still be unsure of how to define your parent/s. That’s normal. Your narcissistic mother and/or father wouldn’t have exhibited all of the signs above (but if they did, pay attention).
If you’re the child of a narcissist, you will likely struggle with these problems:

Codependency in other relationships

Weak sense of self

Poor personal boundaries and inability to say “no”

Chronic guilt or toxic shame

Self-loathing

Emptiness

Trust issues

Inability to express or handle emotions (resulting in emotional numbness)

Anxiety or depression

Being a people-pleaser

How many signs can you relate to? Obviously, the more issues you can say ‘yes’ to, the more likely you can confirm (without a doubt) that you were raised by a narcissistic mother or father.

How Do You Deal With a Narcissistic Mother or Father?

What next?
If you’re quite sure that one, or both, of your parents, was a narcissist, it’s likely that they still have some kind of involvement in your life. Many narcissist support groups recommend cutting off contact from such parents or interacting them in small, measured ways (such as through a phone call, or text message).
To begin your process of soul healing, you might like to do the following:

Stop hoping that your narcissistic parent will change — you can never change them.

Allow yourself to grieve the parent you never had.

Understand that you have been raised to suppress and deny your feelings. Now is a good opportunity to slowly open up to those years of repressed feelings. You can do this by seeking traditional psychotherapy that focuses on shadow work, or alternative methods such as shamanic healing, hypnotherapy, holistic remedies, etc.

Learn to take care of your own needs through the practice of self-care.

Learn how to love yourself.

Reconnect with your inner child and learn how to care for it in a way your parents never could. This is called inner child work.

Keep an active daily journal in which you self-reflect. This will help you become more self-aware.

Explore soul retrieval, which is a vital part of inner work.

Express your emotions in a healthy way, particularly any anger you have inside.

Join a support group and connect with others who have experienced similar childhood experiences. You can find many on Facebook, or you could search the internet for local groups.

Arm and empower yourself with knowledge by reading books such as “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare” and “Disarming the Narcissist.”

While you may feel broken, it’s important to remember that you are not broken. Your soul can never be broken. It is still there, waiting for you to access. This experience only serves to show you that everything you need is within you. No matter what your childhood was like, it’s still possible to heal and reunite with that source of unconditional joy, wonder and love inside.

I hope this article supports your healing and growth. If you want to share your experience growing up with a narcissistic mother and/or father, please comment below. You’re welcome to keep your comment anonymous (by using our website’s comment system). Your email is always kept private.

20/10/2019

MY BROTHERS, WE CAN HEAL!

I would like to confess something.
I am a toxic man.
A narcissist. Power-hungry and controlling. An egomaniac.

Yes, yes, I am Awareness, the Divine Self, the Eternal Light, the pristine and impersonal Ocean of Consciousness at the heart of all Beings. I am all that, yes. Namaste.

But, I also want to take FULL ownership of, and responsibility for, my individual and imperfect humanity, my personal flaws, my childhood conditioning, my destructive and hurtful relational patterns. My ‘inner asshole’. Namaste.

I want to be part of the solution, not the problem.
And healing always begins with radical honesty.

So, let me confess: I am a narcissist. A full blown, self-obsessed narcissist. An abuser. A master manipulator. Mad with ego.

Or rather, I have seen these narcissistic patterns play out in myself and in my closest relationships over the years! And in bringing these deeply ingrained childhood programs into the light of Awareness, I have been able to begin the journey towards understanding, healing… and rewriting them.

So, I confess: In my pain and shame, on occasion, over the years, I have attempted to control and manipulate women. Women who deserved much, much better. I have judged them. I have neglected them emotionally. I have tried to make them match my image of "the perfect woman". I have shamed them, called them names, teased and belittled them when they didn't live up to my impossible expectations. Blamed them for my pain. Made them feel guilty and small and wrong. Tried to convince them they were ridiculous or deluded for thinking their thoughts and feeling their very valid feelings. I have lied to them, hidden the truth from them. I have attempted to make them feel crazy, doubt themselves and feel powerless, so that I could control them, keep them addicted to me, and spare myself from unbearable feelings of powerlessness.

I have controlled and dominated women in order to avoid real intimacy. In my loneliness and inner turmoil, I have felt entitled to their time and energy, entitled to disregard their needs, their boundaries, their feelings, taken up their psychic space and made everything about ME. I have made myself superior, an expert, the most special, ‘the best’, and disregarded their precious inner world. I have treated them like objects to be manipulated rather than tender, vulnerable, infinitely valuable beings to be listened to, honoured, respected, and given emotional safety.

At the heart of my narcissism was a terror of intimacy, and a deep shame and sense of profound failure and unworthiness, of which I was mostly unconscious.

My father taught me how to be a narcissist, how to shame others in order to avoid intolerable feelings of shame, how to judge others in order to avoid being judged. I say this without blame or malice. But it is the truth. I internalised my father's relational wounding, his ideas and beliefs about what it was to “be a man”, the brainwashing he received from his own parents. As he died of Alzheimer’s, in pain and confusion, I could see his complete innocence too. His frightened inner child. His own deeply buried yearning for love.

And I would like to confess something else.

I am a codependent. I am a love addict. A chronic people-pleaser and martyr for love.

Or at least, I have seen these patterns in myself over the years.

In my pain, feeling empty, without an identity, without hope and without meaning to my life, I have used women to fill my own inner void, to “fix” myself and distract myself from myself. I have ignored my own needs, my own feelings, my own desires and passions, repressed my authentic self, and adapted to what THEY wanted me to be. I have performed, played a role, lied and taken on a ‘false self’ in order to be loved and admired and attended to. I have said “yes” when I meant “no”, and I have said “no” when I really wanted to say “yes”.

I have unconsciously allowed every single one of my boundaries to be violated, trampled on, disrespected, ignored, in order to win and keep love, avoid embarrassment and rejection and abandonment.

I have allowed myself to be abused. I have tolerated name-calling, shaming, judgements and all-out attacks. I have allowed my precious space to be intruded upon, my values to be silenced, my dignity to be trampled on. I have let myself be dominated and bullied. I have confused another’s thoughts with my own. Another’s feelings with my own. I have suppressed my true voice, my grief, my joy, my fear and especially my anger in order to be “well liked”.

I have allowed others to s**t all over my feelings, and pretended to be "okay" with that.

I was not "okay" with that. Inside, I raged. And I suppresed the rage, and became sick and depressed.

And out of my terror of being seen as “bad”, and running from intolerable feelings of guilt, at times I became a caretaker, a healer, a therapist, a mediator, a saviour. I was a “nice guy”, a “lovely person” without any needs or wishes of my own. I confused having needs with "weakness", feeling angry with "neurosis", and having desires with "mental illness". I secretly bubbled and boiled with fury and resentment and exhaustion inside, but I hid that pain, even from myself, in order to keep my addiction objects with me, and avoid my own life, and avoid my own death.

I have pretended to be “selfless” in order to protect the (non-existent) “self”. Go figure.

There was something narcissistic in my codependency. There was something codependent in my narcissism. Both were rooted in fear – fear of death and loss and nothingness and the void.

Both are compelling dramas designed to spare us from facing our pain. We will do anything to avoid pain.

My mother taught be how to be a people-pleaser, bless her. I say this without blame or resentment. But it is the truth. I internalised her guilt, her need to “make everyone happy” by making herself unhappy, her need to silence and dishonour herself in order to cater to my narcissistic father’s unpredictable mood swings, jealousy and rage. To protect herself. To keep herself safe. I understand now, she was doing her very best, and playing out the programming she learned from my grandma, and perhaps hundreds of generations of people-pleasers before her. These poisonous and self-destructive patterns run through generations.

Until we break down. I had to break down, come to the point of su***de, break up with fear and wake up.

I have seen all of these characters within me: The narcissist and the codependent. The "one who is always right" and the "one who is always wrong". The addict and the people-pleaser. The one who runs obsessively to connection, and the one who reactively runs away and hides from connection. I have been the circus monkey, performing for scraps of emotional nourishment. I have been the cave-dwelling ascetic, running from the world.

The one who neglects others in order to please himself. The one who allows himself to be neglected in order to please others.

The abuser and the abused. The victim and the victim-shamer.

The love avoidant and the love addict.

I think we all have these character patterns in us, to a lesser or greater extent, at different times and in different relational contexts. They often play out most powerfully in our most intimate relationships. The more someone matters to us, the more we unconsciously might try to avoid or control them, blame them, or obsess over their approval, disconnecting from our authentic selves.

The root of all narcissism and codependency? An unconscious, survival-level terror of intimacy. A fear of getting truly close to another human being. Of being seen. Of being known. Of being ‘found out’.

“If I reveal my vulnerability, my fear, my sorrow, my doubts, my questions, my anger, my unworthiness, darkness and shadows, I will be rejected, neglected, ridiculed, smothered, flooded, overwhelmed, abandoned… and I won’t be able to survive that”.

The voice of childhood trauma. The voice of the forgotten one inside.

As I have been able to love myself more and more, filling the emptiness inside, drenching the traumatic shame core with awareness and compassion, infusing the inner "abandoned one" with loving attention, I have needed less and less to avoid intimacy by controlling others or by allowing myself to be controlled. I have needed less and less to blame others, shame them, treat them like objects. I have been more and more able to be present with others, allow them to have all their subjective feelings, desires, joys and sorrows, and not seen their deepest experience as some existential threat.

As I have healed, I have needed less and less to addict myself to others, to ‘use’ others to fill my own inner “black hole”. As I have felt more and more whole within myself, I have been able to speak up, tell others my vulnerable and honest truth, set boundaries, say what’s okay and not okay for me, even at the risk of hurting, disappointing or angering them. I have been able to risk losing “love”, in order to connect more deeply and authentically. I have also found people - both women and men - who can truly love me for who I am, not who I pretend to be. This has been the single greatest gift – and surprise - of my life: That I am wholly loveable, even with all my flaws and imperfections. That there are people here who will listen, and stay, and not shame me or try to 'fix' me but hold me lovingly in presence, support me in my vulnerability, celebrate my tears and passions and not turn away in disgust. I do not need to beg for love, or control others to win love, or abandon myself for love. I only need to be myself, and I am loveable.

And if someone is unable to provide this kind of love and safety and support, I can always set boundaries, or even walk away if necessary, without guilt - a fierce self-protection.

I have discovered that love is not something we can win or lose. It’s not found through control or manipulation of self or other. It’s not found through addiction or martyrdom. It’s found in the deepest recesses of my own heart. It’s found when I can be fully present with the one in front of me. Listen deeply to their inner world, whilst staying exquisitely connected to my own, and not confuse the two.

Allowing myself to have my own imperfect thoughts, desires, urges and feelings, and allowing the precious one in front of me to have theirs too. Listening. Receiving. Being open and soft and flexible. But also speaking up when something is not okay for me. Asserting my truth, my needs. Sharing my alive, clear and messy inner world. AND allowing the other to have their voice, too. Yin, and yang. Masculine, and feminine. Yielding to others, and healthily aggressing, from presence, from compassion. Penetrating, and being penetrated. Receiving, and asserting.

Water, and fire. Heaven and earth.

Immortal, mortal. Spirit, flesh.

Thank you father. Thank you mother.

You taught me coping strategies, ways to protect myself from deep psychic pain. You gave me inner computer programs called Codependency and Narcissism to spare me from the unbearable and intolerable agony of rejection and abandonment, programs that I no longer need to run, because I am now willing, and able, to face those inner “monsters”, and own them, and be present with them, and breathe into them, and cuddle them close to me as I walk, as I sit and stand and play and dance and lie down to sleep, so they own me no longer, but I own them, my precious inner ones.

“His left hand is under my head, and his right hand doth embrace me”.

I want to shine brilliant divine Attention onto my own deepest human wounds, pour sacred elixir into the places that ache.

I want be Awareness itself, yes… but I also want to take form as an imperfect, part-broken, wholly vulnerable, sensitive and honest, work-in-progress, human man.

I pray that I can find the courage to root out all violence and inauthenticity in myself, including the violence of treating others as objects (narcissism) and the self-violence of treating myself like an object for others (codependency). I pray to be able to burn up dysfunctional patterns as they arise in relationship - in the fire of presence, in the alchemical crucible of intimacy.

I humbly ask my sisters for help in this work. God knows, we need the fierce and honest voice of the divine feminine, now perhaps more than ever.

I humbly apologise to anyone, man or woman, who I have ever hurt, consciously or unconsciously, knowingly or unknowingly.

I was afraid. I was playing out old tapes in my mind, as we all are. Tapes of fear and punishment that my parents had unconsciously programmed into me when I was young. Tapes of unworthiness and guilt. Tapes that told me to abandon myself and suppress my deepest feelings, my sensitivity and wild intuition. I was innocent then. We all were. I knew no better than to copy “Them”, the gods of my universe. I was hurting and needed love but I was terrified of being loved. I thought that love meant dominating or being dominated, controlling or being controlled, or losing myself to another. I was wrong.

This is not an excuse. Just the truth. Just the raw truth. I know better now.

And so I say to all my brothers:

We all know more now. Let us do better.

We can heal.

Let us start by telling the truth.

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