Bornali Borah Counselling Psychologist

11/03/2025

"I have a very strong intuition. If I feel like something bad will happen, it will" - This is what someone said, in the context of a family member's plan to go on a trip.
What can feel like intuition can actually be anxiety. How to tell the difference? Intuition is 'knowing', anxiety is 'not knowing'. Say you're on a date and you get that gut feeling that this person's not right. Say you are talking to a second-hand car salesman, and you feel like they're hiding something about the car shown to you.
In Intuition, you are reading factual cues from the situation, often subconsciously, and your brain registers the inconsistencies or discrepancies in the information it is processing. There's a sense of 'knowing' something is not right.
Anxiety, on the other hand, is not knowing. The brain sets aside factual information and creates future situations based on your fears. This is characterised by a sense of 'not knowing'.
Anxiety disorders are among the most common mental disorders in the world. Symptoms can appear in childhood or adolescence and persist till adulthood. Post-covid there has been a spike in anxiety disorders. Social anxiety, Generalised anxiety, Panic disorder, Phobias, and even OCD, are types of anxiety disorders. There are effective treatments for anxiety, but only 1 in 4 actually receive appropriate treatment.
For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

07/03/2025

Behavioural addictions are addictions to gambling, shopping, relationships, s*x, po*******hy, etc. Compared to substance addictions, behavioural addictions don't involve consuming an intoxicating substance. The impact on the person and those around them can be just as bad as with substance addiction.
People engaging in behavioural addictions are often chasing a feeling-state. The goal is about getting into the feeling-state rather than the object of their addiction. For someone with a shopping addiction, it is not the expensive bracelet but the feeling-state of flaunting a pricey item or being treated special by the shop staff. For someone with relationship addiction, it is not the person they are chasing per se, but the feeling-state of having someone that absolutely adores them. These highs fade quickly and the cycle repeats.
Behavioural addictions often have a deep underlying unmet need, which is often not obvious. Unless the underlying issues are addressed, strategies to control the behaviour often fails to sustain. Professional help can help uncover and work with the deeper issues.
For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

23/02/2025

ANGER & PROBLEMATIC ANGER
Do you find yourself getting angry at people or situations?
When you get angry, do you get really mad?
When you get angry, do you stay angry?
When you get angry at someone, do you feel like hitting them?
Is your anger preventing you from getting along with people around you?

If you answered yes to most of the above and have been experiencing these for more than a month, then you may have an anger issue. Low grade, persistent irritability is yet another symptom of anger issues. Anger becomes 'Problematic Anger' when it is frequent, intense, and takes a long time to subside.

Anger is associated with several physical and mental health issues, not to mention dysfunction and violence in work, social relationships, and family.

Anger is a necessary emotion, designed to protect us from harm. Anger issues and Problematic Anger indicate the presence of deeper issues. Everyone deserves a healthy mind and body. Seeking professional help can be the kindest thing you do for yourself and those around you.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

12/09/2024

Me: Is there any violence?

Client: Oh no no. I don't...

Me: I meant toward you.

Client: [looking puzzled for a second or two, then slowly] Yes...

Me: Since when?

Client: [by now misty-eyed, he averts is gaze] ....

We don't expect men to be victims of domestic violence. It is not something we ask about. It is not something men will easily admit is happening. It takes enormous courage to do so. It can be hard to pinpoint if there is Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) in a relationship because couples do argue and fight. We see many couples around us do it. We are also given the 'wisdom' that such things happen between husband/wife or boyfriend/girlfriend and we need to 'adjust'. In the long-term, it takes a toll. This client came in diagnosed with treatment-resistant Major Depressive Disorder. To borrow my colleague and mentor Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW's words - sometimes it is not depression, but oppression. Pinpointing the cause is important as it decides the course of treatment. For this client, it is going to be a lot about regaining his sense of empowerment and his place in the relationship.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

25/08/2024

Me: Weren't you worried they'd (parents) see them? [pointing to scars on clients's arm]

Client: Nope

Me: How come?

Client: There's no need to hide from someone who's not looking.

Client spent a large part of their adolescence deeply unhappy. Among the many reasons for their pain, the biggest was neglect from parents. Their inability to "see" their child despite providing for every material thing possible. Research shows that there is a clear link between childhood adversity and physical and mental wellbeing as an adult. Experiencing emotional neglect as a child is by far the biggest factor influencing mental health later in life.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

17/08/2024

Me: So what brings you back? [Client had completed therapy many months ago]

Client: I've not been able to sleep last several days and feeling very restless.

Me: Did something happen?

Client: I read the news about the doctor's child [referring to a widely publicised case of child s*xual abuse]. I starting thinking about what might have happened to me. I am overthinking all the time.

Earlier client had mentioned about possible s*xual abuse when they were very small. They were not sure if it happened. It was a hunch only. Reading the details of this case was a trigger that unlocked the trauma. Even though there was no clear recollection of what happened, there were memories at the somatic (physical) level that surfaced. The body remembers even when the mind can't.

EMDR is a proven therapy for such trauma. Recalling s*xual trauma is extremely painful and the best part is that one doesn't need to recall the details for EMDR to work.

For appointment - www.bornaliborah.com

More about EMDR - https://www.emdria.org/about-emdr-therapy/

Send a message to learn more

13/08/2024

Client's father: I came here to treat my child, not my wife.

Client is in primary school. These were the father's last words before he discontinued therapy. Child had developed chronic anxiety and was in treatment with multiple psychiatrists for a number of years. Nothing had worked. Child rated mother's distress as their top reason for worrying. Mother had developed PTSD following years of domestic violence and abuse. Mother's own issues had to be worked on in order to settle the child.

In our culture, there's often mistreatment of the mother/daughter-in-law but extraordinary love for the child/grandchild. A child's sense of safety is hard-wired with that of the parents, particularly the primary caregiver. This is a biological and evolutionary truth. No one can bypass this. If the caregiver is in distress, child almost certainly will develop issues, even if not in childhood, then later in life.

There are those who accept this reality and change things. Then there are those like this father, who unfortunately don't.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

Send a message to learn more

12/08/2024

"I didn't realise what PTSD was until... I would look left out of the car, not right, I would look left and I would start sobbing and I thought to myself I am a single parent and this child is going to absorb nothing but fear and trauma and shame from me...
[during therapy] "...all of a sudden it went to unsafe relationships, unsafe childhood moments..."

Sandra Bullock's story is typical of clients I see. After a house-burglary, Sandra developed PTSD symptoms and decided to go into therapy. She uncovered deeper issues that she'd been unconsciously dealing with, issues that came from prior life experiences.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

Sandra's interview - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7myvbaHBWZI

SANDRA BULLOCK - EMDR

06/08/2024

Client: What do I do when she texts?

Me: It's only words, on a phone; it's not her. Pause. And decide what to do with it.

People who have been at the receiving end of abusive relationships, particularly with partners that are coercive and controlling, can understand how triggering it can be to receive a simple thing as a text message. It can instantly overwhelm a person emotionally, as if the abuser-partner is right beside them. It doesn't even need to be a long relationship for the trauma response to set in. Even one incident, severe enough to shake the person's sense of safety, can do it. In the above case, when it sunk in that it is simply a message on a phone, client was visibly relieved. Of course, there's much work to do still. But we start with the small things. And they matter. A lot. Therapy can help restore a sense of empowerment to be able to deal with the abuse.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

04/08/2024

We often use tests to track a client's level of functioning before and during therapy. PCL-5 is one such test for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD can develop after experiencing a traumatic incident. PCL-5 score of 31+ indicates PTSD.
The image below shows the change in symptoms for a client who survived an attempted r*pe 2 years back and developed PTSD. PCL-5 score was 31 and came down to 10 after treatment. EMDR therapy can bring about significant reduction in trauma symptoms in a short period of time.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

More about EMDR - https://www.emdria.org

01/08/2024

Client: I notice that my legs don't shake anymore.

Me: What do you mean?

Client: They used to shake, very badly when I faced him. I was not able to think.

Me: And now?

Client: It stopped. I don't feel like a little child facing his father, thinking he will burst out angry any moment. I don't feel like that child anymore.

Having to live with an unpredictable and volatile person, whether a parent or a partner, can keep us locked in a state of helplessness. As humans we have an incredible power to carry on, but traces of that fear can show up in unexpected ways and in unexpected places. While facing an angry customer, while dealing with an upset friend, while talking to the boss, while putting our point across in a meeting, while dealing with a disobedient child. Once we know where that fear comes from, healing can begin.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

19/07/2024

Single-incident traumas such as vehicle accidents, drowning, robbery, assaults, etc. can be easily resolved with EMDR. If treated soon after the incident, it can help prevent PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) symptoms such as panic attacks, anxiety, fear, hyper-vigilance.

For appointments - www.bornaliborah.com

Illustration by EMDR International Association.