09/12/2021
#45
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Trigger warnings : Su***de mentions, physical abuse, domestic abuse, s*xual assault, existential dread
Contains strong language to express my emotions.If you are already suffering from depression or have mental health issues or have panic attacks when you read horrible stories, Please don't read this, this warning is for your own good, This is a long story to explain my problems
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I'm the guy in #26
I don't know why am i doing this again. is this a form of therapy ? does it feel good to know that someone's listening? I don't know , at this point frankly i don't think anyone or anything matters. I have come to conclusion that any one of our roles can be filled by anyone(the gist of our roles), if einstein was not born, some one would have done his work perhaps a little bit late. Perhaps only artists have a unique footprint or not, it just appears to me at this point of time they might have. If AI bots can do art and are become increasingly good at it, how does it matter if we can't differentiate which has a human hand behind it and which does not and even for differentiating them we have to take help of AI(Im not overhyping AI or under hyping it, its just that its becoming weird day by day and nothing makes sense anymore when it comes to being human).
Perhaps your own unique thing is your footprint in space and time as max tegmark puts it. Your foot print in space and time is unique and forms a beautiful geometric pattern, whatever we do just doesn't disappear, it lives in eternal forever in the grand mathematical reality(Paraphrasing). so just existing is something unique, but so is abruptly ending that existence also becomes unique - fascinating isn't it ? just a lot less of patterns , but nevertheless unique foot print (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NidqtyXmu8g) - great channel to follow if you have a positive outlook on life, otherwise its just an endless existential dread, as it happens i wildly fluctuate between this two extremes(Bi Polar disorder perhaps ? i know self diagnosing is dangerous and stupid , but as i said , im of the opinion, nothing matters), sometimes i think its wrong to put all these existential dread out there for young impressionable minds, especially during the current times, but as i said to me nothing matters anymore, and i gave a fair warning at the start, so proceed at your own risk.
so i just went ahead and vented this. I honestly want to think this is a random choice like a coin toss(to vent instead of not venting), but deep down i know i wanted to do this, perhaps there is a psychological underpinning to it, validation ? the need to belong to a community ? anyways i'm overthinking.
Just when you think things can't get any worse, s**t storm hit again. After march 2020 , i went home, i guess 2 weeks in to my stay at home i guess, i used to hear my mom cry in my room when i was asleep(i sleep at 6 AM , she used to come to my room and cry at that time, while i'm trying to get my sleep, she doesn't know if i'm awake and even during sometimes i'm awake she just cries and tries to hold back tears, sometimes i used to wake up hearing her cry from deep sleep(not that her cries are loud, i'm a heavy sleeper, i don't even wakeup when someone's banging my door, but perhaps there is something beyond explanation, i only wake up when my mom calls when i'm in deep sleep when i used to be in hostel, nothing else disturbs my sleep, my rational brain could never come with an explanation of why this happens or may be i'm just skewing the data and ignored all the missed calls or all the cries, but i'm confident enough that i have woken up at least a few times from deep sleep sensing something is wrong and finding my mom in tears laying on my bed).
I heard him banging her head against the wall once through my room(i dont know how many times this happened, as i'm asleep for most of the day from 6 AM to 3 PM), not to escalate the situation, i used to console her and plead her to move out of the house(now that i'm earning), but you know my mom still thinks my marriage is important(for reason explained in #26) and doesn't budge. i don't know even know how to explain the situation, its weird, should i have slapped him then and there and moved out? i thought of it. but then it hit me, if that ever happens, i would end up in jail. Because he has connections to police and local MLA and he wouldn't hesitate to do that. I thought it's better to have evidence for anything before i take any action. was i a coward ? i ask myself this question many times every time i make a call to my mom or whenever i remember her and a long prolonged philosophical pondering ensues. am i responsible? shouldn't an adult take her own decisions? but this puts in to a deep pit of guilt and misery, are you human if you don't help your loved ones ? let alone another human? All politics and society and relations doesn't make sense, if you don't take action when it matters. But i just pondered, what should be that action ? take the risk of me and my mom ending up in jail till at least the court date ? or have evidence and file a case first ? as it turns out my gut instinct is correct , he was capable of it and he doesn't hesitate to do it to his own son
As if this is not enough, existential dread hit me everyday, whats the purpose of my job ?, writing pieces of code for weeks which you can write in a single day over a litre of coffee and running microservices and checking logs and fixing your or someone else's bugs, navigating all the complex organisational mess, fearing for your job safety as you happen to work in a startup only to make money to the human chain above you and take a small cut from your labor to spend and live ?
I started to read in to different things as hobbies(physics, philosophy and occasionally psychology and related disciplines), and my stubborn mind doesn't take it easy, it want's answers in deep and as it turns out , it's a futile exercise and leaves in a deep web of mess, and at some point you have come too far in to the chain of reasoning , that you feel lost and you see people around you and wonder, how can one be content ? am i missing something ? am i broken ? . This undying thirst to go deep and get answer for everything is a futile exercise, but you cant control your mind, can you ? there are numerous things i picked and left halfway because i'm lost or i just didn't want to do it, its too much to bear , the work, the cries, the angry shouts of a deranged alcoholic and abusive father, the existential dread, the philosophical pondering, the fear over your life, the unbearable fear that you are just one firing away from losing income and "one stupid urge to slap and kick your father" away from ending up in jail. the realisation that you truly are never in control of your own life as long as you live an in organised society with unequal power structures .
Tired of this mess, i resorted to hobby of reading film screenplays and imaging in my mind before watching the actual movie, i liked it for a while and then pondering, whats the point ? exercise helped for a while and then you hear mom cry or your father stupid rants and you spiral down.
As daenerys targaryen lost it(perhaps due to loss of loved ones and irresistible urge to take more power ? idk the last season didn't make any sense), i lost one day, i went to the hall in a middle of fight and had a long fight with the as***le , basically that day i said to his face you are a deranged alcoholic, perhaps half your grey matter probably gone as it happens with alcoholics, you are little whimp who once got lucky and now not even in a position to control your own bowel movements , let alone providing for a family and so much more(i pulled out his entire history, he slapped his mom because she wouldn't write his share of inheritance fearing he would spend away as he was an alcoholic, he having a relationship and a son with a keep and so much more). Oh one thing, did i mention you that he drank the night after my sisters wedding when the groom is in our house because my mom didn't take a water tin and keep it in the ground floor ? i told him to his face that day , why didnt you do it ? what stopped you from taking it ? i saw you at the tin while it was empty, what did you do ? he lost that day and the fu***ng irony is that my sister still cares for him even after all the mess it caused. i almost forgot to mention that this deranged alcoholic used to keep his hands in my pants while drunk sleep(nothing more, he used to take a hold of the p***s and balls and do some rubbing for a brief 10 seconds and pull out after or just keep his hand steady over the junk for a prolonged period of time while asleep), you know whats more? he used to sleep with my sister very often before she was married and young , i don't know if it happened, but if he can touch his son's ge****ls when he is s**t drunk , what difference does gender make in that state ?
One day when i opened to my sister while ranting about him, i mentioned this and she put her head down for a brief time and she said "I know", what does that mean ? how does she know, did she see him doing that to me or is it a subtle nod that that fu**er did it to her too ?the optimistic part of me wish it didn't happen, but then my rational brain takes over and whispers, he most probably did it.
the following day after the fight he left and didn't come home for 5 days, he made someone call me and asked me to come to some place(what would have happened if i went there), i lost my cool and said to that guy to say to that deranged fu**er to go f**k himself and i blabbered angrily and then he called my mom and she kind of spoke threateningly(as is norm , if you are from village or town, you know the taunts, like i will break your bones kind of talk), it was not until the following day that i realised what a stupid i am, fu**er recorded the entire call and filed an FIR against me and my mom the following day, all those times i was a coward looking for evidence and when it mattered most i lost my cool and underestimated him, his grey matter might be gone and he might have become impotent with all that chain smoking for 50 years. but a mans irresistible urge to control always has an upper hand. got the call from local police inspector that i should come to police station, i thought he was making some one call to taunt me, but it happened for real, i went blank, i said sir, im in work, i cant come now, he said either you come or the case goes to court , i cant do anything but file this FIR unless you come to police station and if an FIR is filed he is obligated to arrest me until i get bail.
As im walking out of my home to the police station as i don't have any vehicle, my brother in law and my sister arrived in a car(unaware of the situation), i was crying on the road and they saw me and i had to explain, they took me there and this deranged fu**er stands there doing crocodile tears, i explained the situation to the police, he calmly said, just stay calm for now and leave your home after this incident, he showed the FIR to me , do you know whats theee in the FIR ? apparently me and my mom pushed him down and i put my feet over his neck asking him to sign over the inheritance. And the irony is that i had lend him over 30 lakhs(without interest) over a period of 5 years till date by taking loans and giving him my savings(dont event bother asking me why i did that, my stupid brain thought he will be less angry if i use the amount as a leverage over him), and on top of that my father got a disability certificate because of his limp leg(he has small disability on his right leg, but he can walk, he might not be able to run), so basically the police inspector told me that according to law , they would have to arrest my mother and me , if the FIR is filed(as is law for physical abuse against physically disabled, home makers and old people) .my sister was with him all this time(not supporting him, but cooling him down), the police inspector convinced with the help of my sister to withdraw and the police inspector took a bribe of 1000 rs from me for "handling" the case.
On the return journey in my car, my sister kind of hinted that i should have stayed shut and let my mom suffer(not directly , but you know whatever she suggested , she basically meant to say why did you have to involve in their affairs), my brother in law said i was correct and i did the right thing, i knew my brother in law was a good man, i talked to him at lengths so many times, his support consoled me and made him respect more, there are very few people whom i respect, i admire a lot of people from a distance, but very few people whom i actually admire who are around me , a couple of friends from my bachelors , who have shown exemplary virtues and values all throughout my interactions. some of their values might be wrong , but they had kindness in their heart and a strong inclination to support what is right, you can think "whats right is subjective, i agree, but if you bring in a group of mentally abled rational people and give them scenarios and debate, you can arrive atleast at a narrow range of consensus on what is right, if you bring some fanatics who dont respect the rules of debate, of course its subjective, otherwise i think what constitutes right falls within a very narrow range". Its not that i hate my sister, its just that i had a huge respect and liking for my brother in law, idk just the fact that she sees all this and still tries to cling to that as***le and somehow make the family work is a deep knife that i can't pull out of my heart(u get the idea). perhaps im being too idealistic and expecting all the people around me to be rational and think like me, but at that moment my brother in law stood by the truth and what is right(atleast according to me - a subjective opinion)
fu**er didnt cool down, made a mess after he came home after the incident, i lost my cool, but this time , i took a audio recording of his rantings , there were a couple of times where he pushed my mother and a whole lot of threats and lot of foul language on record. i was about to record a video, but the stupid camera didnt work for some reason.after that i stepped in to my room, i dont know what happend after that, my mom and my sister somehow made peace with him that night, my mother told me to shut up and kind of guilt tripped me in to staying calm(From what i deduce, they might have come to an agreement that they will be normal until my marriage and probably a divorce after that).
I stayed in the house for 3 more months, everyday while sleeping on day and waking up at night, every day while i take my bath, i keep my head in the bucket of water and count 50-60 sometimes 120-150 , before i suffocate , just to get that sweet release suffocation brings.
One day i lied that my office opened and move out to bangalore, and surprise surprise, s**t storm hits again, this fu**er sends me photo of a girl for an arranged marriage, i was just thinking , does this as***le even have a brain ? he made me take loans and i have to pay over 70k in EMI's and thats close to 40% of my salary, how can i let an another woman in my life with these mental health issues , trauma and not to mention zero savings ? i know ideally you can start a family if there is true love irrespective of circumstances, but is true love a thing in "arranged marriages"? I just said no, this dude went on a tirade and it has been 2 months now and he is torturing my mother and sister for taking my side(basically rejecting a marriage proposal), he would never lay hand on my sister, because then my brother in law would basically break his bones(which i hope happens), but im afraid of my mother, she is alone with this as***le far from me. she assures that he was not being physical, but my rational brain sense's a lie and my soul hopes that it's true and i cant go to home, because my mom doesnt want to do anything, my sister doesnt want me to do anything and im afraid of his police connections, political connections, even if the evidence is on my side , he is capable of atleast keeping in my jail and torturing me by his dogs(policemen), may be sane individuals would talk him out of it, but a part of me wonders, no one stops him from hiring some goondas(as he already did in past with someone else, but i dont know if it was just to intimidate or he really did). Selfish part of me thought i don't deserve this, an A-grade as***le father, a mother who asks to go through with this trauma so i can have a better future, a sister who is more sane than these two people, somehow ends up acting as worse as them. it was too much for me, so i just left and i don't intend to go back any time soon.
I currently live on 8th floor with 3 other flatmates, some of the days they go on long vacations and i'm alone, i cant help but look at the fan and sometimes sitting over the edge of the window with my legs over the sunshade wondering, should i do it?
Should i deeply worry about the fact that im born out of a s*xual assault(marital r**e) at worst and some random s*x to have a boy at best or should i be glad that a woman who went all through this deeply cares for me, or should i rationally judge her intentions of loving me(with all the casteism and whole male heir thing) or should i just believe in the magical love of a mother ? the deeper i think , more empty and more traumatic it looks.
why would i have to be born in to this s**t house? why does an innocent boy who had a deep sense of beleif in god and beleived in the magic of love, suddenly take interest in maths and physics as he was amused by his bench mates utmost concentration while solving new problems ? why should he imitate him and find joy in solving new problems and deriving theorems , why should he have cracked one of the worlds toughest exam and thinking he finally made it only to find the well is empty?(im not boasting , as most of you have did the same, im just pondering over my life) why should he fill this emptiness with meaningless hobbies and trying to stay relevant by doing half-baked dips in new areas only to find that it's futile and more empty and becoming good at nothing, why should he be extremely introverted and make only friends with whom he truly likes ? why should he make stupid decision everytime, hoping that will somehow fix the situation, while in reality its either his fathers life or his power that should be taken away to fix the situation?
If i was given a choice, i choose to not be born or be born as a bonabo. although i acknowledge the wonderful things consciousness(human) brings, its just too much to handle if odds are stacked up against you in life.
very recently i really thought of taking my life and came close to it(not very close, dropped off say half an hour before the deed, after spending entire day writing a note and planning whats the best way)
But Before that i need to tell a story that triggered me. during my bachelors placement season, i was doing extremely well, only few software companies allowed non - circuit branches , barring few day 1- day 2 companies, i made it to the list of most companies both software and business positions, i was naturally happy and started to give tips to people who i thought were friends(in retrospective it was a dick move, as placement is a stressful season)i had my eye on a particular company that has stock trading position, i made it to the list, but i didnt clear the interview. my options looked bleak after that as most software companies are not hiring non-circuit people in interview round. that night i was eating a very tasteless biryani with my wing mates of whom one is my best friend and the most kindest soul i have ever met(Mr R), there was another friend(Mr.S) in the room, i was eating with a poker face, so the room is filled with tension, the guy(Mr S) asks if i made it , i replied no with a head sign, he then proceeds to sit on the chair and say to my face that i deserved it as i was over the moon advising people on how to crack round 1(he thought its kind of me flaunting my skills , although i just wanted to help), i broke down to tears, not at the fact that i'm not placed, that a friend chose to utter those words at that point of time. Mr R stayed the entire night and consoled me, even though he has an interview the next morning. May be Mr S just didnt mean it because after the next day i got placed, he was one of the first to run to the interview room from hostel to congratulate me(or may be he wasn't , as a mutual friend of ours also got placed in the same company)
Cut to present day :
recently one day i was in this extreme other end of human emotions and i was extremely happy(or so i thought), so i asked my B.Tech friends , lets have a group movie night, couple of people replied with an enthusiastic YES. But thats just two members out of a group of over 20 people. Then the same Mr. S in above story proceeds to say hey , "why dont you decide upon a movie and watch it all alone by yourself". It broke me , i didnt sleep for 2 days and then smoked a whole lot of ci******es and finished one bottle of whisky and one bottle of white wine before deciding to do it. But somehow , i overcame it, thinking its stupid.
While joining bachelors i was this quiet kid , who got bullied for not socializing enough, and MR. S was one of them, i truly never intended to hurt him , it was just a way of giving it back to the bully, the subtle punches and jokes, i never made racist, ableist jokes, unless offcourse the. persons with those characteristics made mental health and dark skin jokes on me. it's a give and take, what made Mr. S say what he said on that day ? why did i deserve this ? is it for pure pleasure to look cool infront of a group of people by making sick burns ? when i came close to the deed, i just thought its a stupid reason to die for, may be i have made similar jokes which i cant remember, it might not even be his mistake as he might not know i am truly feeling lonely and suicidal and all the trauma.
The only time i ever came close to hitting a person was when Mr S, Mr SR(Bully 2), Mr P(bully 3), were making racist jokes on a short person in my team while playing cricket match(they just resorted to mock him for his height and skin color, when he was kind of celebrating his wickets).
I realized that i was too fragile, may be there is nothing wrong with being an as***le towards as****es, may be its not wrong to mock someone for their characteristics if they are doing the same to you.
I just moved away from the window and went to the group and put the following quote to his reply and went for sleep.
"Loneliness is proof that your innate search for connection is intact."
When i came close, i remembered all the good people in my life, Mr R, Mr N, Miss SA, Mr D, Mr K, Miss S, my brother in law and a whole lot of kind strangers who showed kindness and affection towards me, that saved my life. May be i was blind to recognise others kindness in some other form which i didn't like, but i sincerely owe my current existence at this point of time to these people.
Hopefully the life here after will be good with my new found wisdom to never lose ground and always push the as****es away from your life, however tough that might be.
I will not be going to my home anytime soon, i made it clear to my mom that i'm just a phone call away and i will pick her whenever she wants to leave that s**t house and she should stop worrying about my future. Im waiting for an opportunity to get back at Mr. S with a sick burn , i don't care if he feels lonely at that point of time, because i have had enough. i will bully the people who bully me, i will bully people who dont give a second thought while they utter hurtful statements. they dont deserve any of our precious empathy.
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