23/02/2017
I have a boyfriend who grew up with me.his name is Shawn.i always thought him as a friend, until last year, when we went on a trip from a club.i found that i fell in love with him.before that trip was over, i took a step and confess my love for him, and soon we became a pair of lovers,but we loved each other in a different ways,i always concentrated on him only, but to his side there were so many other girls, to me he was the only one, but for him, i was just another girl........."Shawn, do you want to go watch a movie 😊 ?" i asked"i can't 😶 ""why? you need to study at home 😯?" i feel disappointment grabbing my hand"no i need to meet a friend "he said"ummm....ok....😞" I said sadlyhe was like that.he met girls in front of me, like it was nothing, to him i was just his girlfriend. the word"love" only came out of my mouth.since i know him, i never heard from him say "i love you" before.to us there weren't any anniversaries at all. he didn't say anything from the first day...and continued till.;...100 days,,,,,,,200 days.....But everyday before we say goodbye...... he would hand me a doll everyday without fail,i don't know why....then one day.........Me: um Shawn i....Shawn: what?..don't drag just say.....Me: i love youShawn: you...umm...just take this doll and go home.....that was how he ignored my "three words" and handed me the doll....then he disappeared like he was running away....the dolls i received from him ,filled my room, one by one.....there were many.day on my 17th birthday..when i got up in the morning, i pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in theroom waiting for his call,....but lunched passed.....dinner passed,,,and soon the sky was dark...he still didn't call.it was already tiring to look at the phone any more.then around 2 am in the morning. he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. he told me to come outside of my house, still i felt joy and i ran out happily..Me : Shawn..Shawn: here take this ...again he handed me a doll,,,,ME : what is this?Shawn: i didn't give this to you yesterday ,so i am giving you now, i am going home now, bye.Me: wait wait!...do you know what today is?Shawn: today?.. huh!?I felt so sad, i thought he would remember my birthday.then he turned around and walked away like nothing had happen . then i shouted.. "WAIT!!"Shawn: do you have something to say?Me: tell me!,,,tell me you love me..Shawn:....huh??Me: tell me... I put my pathetic self behind and clung in to him.but he just said a simple cold words and left."i don't want to say that .....i love someone so easily.... if you are desperate to hear it then, find someone else..."that was what he said,, then he ran off, my legs felt numb...then i collapsed to the ground...he didn't want to say it easily....how could he...i felt that ...maybe he is not the right guy for me,,,after that.,i stranded my self at home crying!just crying, he didn't call me, although I was waiting!.he just continued handing me dolls everyday outside my house...that's how those doll piled up my house every day.After a month i got myself together and went to school..but what made the paid resurface was that, i saw him in the street with another girl.he had a smile on his face, one that never showed me as he touched the dolls.I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls at my room, and tears fell.why did he gave these to me...those dolls were probably picked up by another girls.in a fit of anger i threw the dolls around.then suddenly the phone rang, it was him. he told me to come on the bus stop outside my house.i tried to calm myself at home and walked to the bus stop.I kept reminding myself that i am going to forget him and that it's going to end....then he came straight into mysight ,holding a big doll.Shawn: Jo, i thought that you were pi**ed off, but you really came,,?i couldn't help hating him,. acting like nothing had happen...and joking around, soon he held out the doll as usual... ME: i don't need it..SHAWN: what....!!WHY??i grabbed the doll from his hand and threw it in the road,,,ME: I don't need this doll, i Don't need this anymore..i don't want to see a person like you AGAIN!!....i spitted out all the words inside me...but unlike other days..his eyes were shaking..."i'm sorry" he apologised in a tiny voice..he then walked over the road to pickup that doll..ME: you stupid...why are you picking up that doll....just throw it away!!but he ignored me and just went to pick that doll up, then...........HONK~HONK~.................with a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him..."Shawn,,,move!!move away!!" i shouted!....but he didn't hear me ..he squatted down to pick up that doll.."SHAWN....MOVE!!!,," .................................SHAWN MOVEEE!!.."I screamedHONK~!!..Truck's Horn..."BOOMMM!!"that sound, so terrifyingI couldn't believe what I was seeing...that's how he went away from me, that's how he went away without opening his eyes, to say one word tome...after that day i had to go through everyday with the guiltiness and sadness of loosing him...after spending two months like a crazy person...i took out the dolls,,,,,those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out...i remembered the day i spent with him,,,and started counting the days...we were in love.."One...two....three...." thats how i started counting the dolls...."four hundred and eighty-four.....four hundred and eighty-five,,,it all ended with 485 dolls....i then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms...i hugged it tightly...then suddenly...."i love you~,i love you" i dropped the doll shocked ..."i lo..ve ...you??' i picked up the dolland pressed in its stomach...."i love you~,i love you" it can't be...!! i pressed all the dolls stomachas it piled up on the side..,,"i love you""i love you""i love you"...those word came out non-stop "i love you~"...why didn't i realised that....that his heart is always by my side...protecting me. why didn't i realised that he loved me this much,,,,i took out the dolls under the bed ...and pressed its stomach....that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road, it had his blood stain on it....the voice came out, i was missing so much...."Jo do you know what today is? we have been loving for 486 days...Do you know what 486 ?.....I love you Joso much..I am sorry that I didn't say I love you because..because I am so shy..ah!"so embarrassing...haha !"...He laughed, that gentle laugh of his,so soothing to hear..he continued "Happy birthday Jo,I wish you a veryvery happy birthday ,I wanna spend my life with you. I wanna be with youtill we grow old and grey.Be with me forever Jo.I love you so much. muaahhh "the tears came flowing out of me...why?why?i asked god!..why do i only know about this now,,,why not before?...he can't be by my side...but he loved me until his last minute... for that...and for that reason.....to me...it became a courage....to live a beautiful life...he still is in my heart,so deep in my heart.I loved him.I love him now and I will love him forever, my Shawn.
