Psychological Counselling by Hansa Shaunik

22/01/2021

Shame mires us in silence. It isolates us. Incapable of creating connections of the heart with others.

Accountability is important. But in the process, are we guotuilting ourselves or shaming ourselves?

Do I say

'"I did something bad"
Or
"I am bad"

It's very hard to work at something in our life if we feel that we're inherently bad.

Guilt allows us to focus on behaviour. Behaviour that we can learn from and change. We're still accountable. But rather than beating ourselves up, we're choosing to learn from it.

So what do you say to yourself when you do something wrong?

20/01/2021

The ideal is to grow, evolve. But how?

What is at stake? My self worth?

Am I failure if I don't make it? How can we grow and become a better version of ourselves if we walk such a tight line?

We evolve as we heal from our past, unlearn unhealthy patrens, learn healthy ones, make more mindful choices, make mistakes, try again!!
How do we do that if we walk in the world with this sword of failure hanging over our necks.

Self compassion. As you walk the path of self work, be kind to yourself. Be firm but kind when you make mistakes. Be encouraging. And go easy, 'coz no one gets it right from the get go!

24/12/2020

I think we all realize it. Yet we all make this grave error in the throes of rage, as we face off with a significant other, pointing fingers, raised voices, accusations flying and sometimes, cames called.

"You ALWAYS forget"
"You NEVER remember"

And while we may feel incredibly self righteous as we claim that, it never leads anywhere. And we do this not just with our partners but also in every relationship that is even remotely contentious.

Cultivating relationships is not much different from any other endeavour that we may engage in. The idea being, invest time, effort, cultivate skills and engage mindfully. It may seem "fake" to hold back, temper our words, but in the long run it's about opening up dialogues (and even arguments) that actually lead somewhere- the goal to be happier together.

26/11/2020

Those who struggle in setting boundaries often fear that doing so may be seen by the other person as some kind of rejection. This holds them back from enforcing them.

The flip side to this is that they are just as likely to feel rejected when others enforce their boundaries.

When we set boundaries with people, we are not rejecting them. It is not something in them that makes us draw these lines.
These are lines that we draw with an awareness of our own limitations and strengths.To do this is to lay the groundwork for healthy relationships.

While the act of setting these boundaries may require us to have very uncomfortable conversations with someone, they serve us far better in the long run. Needless to say it's important to remind ourselves of this fact when others set their boundaries too.

"It is not something 'unwanted' or 'unlikable' in me that makes them say no. They say no because they need that space/time for themselves. It is about them. Not about me "

And that's an important distinction to remind ourselves of when we have to say a NO and hear one.

21/11/2020

How we view the world can be a critical factor in how we feel and navigate through life. The landscape is the same, but the filters can be soothing, jarring, unsettling or calm.

Can we heal the landscapes that we see. Can we make them instill a sense of calm and agency? As apposed to fear, anxiety and crippling depression?

I'd like to think we can.

26/10/2020

Sometimes the answer is something as simple as some Sun and some green.

Take a few minutes to slow down. Breathe. Soak in a bit of the sun.

A small ritual like this can go a long way.

19/10/2020

Let go of stories that no longer serve you

25/09/2020

What do we make of our needs?
Perhaps it's time to reframe these needs, identify them for what they really are and meet them.

The first attachments we have as children, set the foundation for our adult relationships.

When we’re born, we are dependent on caregivers for our survival.

Secure attachments mean we are able to have our physical + emotional needs met, our caregivers model nervous system regulation (able to encounter stress + recover), + attunement (able to be present + join our inner emotional world.)

Many of us grew up with parents who had attachment wounding of their own.

Meaning, they couldn’t fully provide us this security + safety. They didn’t have it themselves.

This can cause anxious attachment. It looks like obsessive focus on our partners, fear based thoughts of being abandoned, + codependency behavior.

This manifests as clingy behavior.

Any time we become clingy, what we are really experiencing is our attachment wounding coming up. Because we don’t know how to meet our own needs + don’t trust ourselves to get through difficult emotions, we externalize— we look to someone else to meet all of our needs.

Something no adult can fulfill.

The work is to identity, learn our own needs, then to practice meeting them. To practice + hold boundaries. To begin to reflect + connect to our inner emotional world— to become vulnerable. To heal + relearn safety with self as well as another person

23/09/2020

We often navigate through the world on a form of auto-play. It's after all necessary to not be too caught up with every thought, action, outcome, intention, need that drives us.
But as life progresses with its challenges and unpredictability, how do we know if we're in fact doing well?
The School of Life gives a few points to reflect on. Are we in fact well? Or could we do with stopping, reflecting and perhaps, healing?

Emotional health is defined by four markers: our degree of self-love, of openness, of communication and of trust. Watch our film to interrogate your level of...

01/07/2020

30/06/2020

We've all done things that we aren't proud of. If we were to pause for a moment and wonder how we talk to ourselves, we'd notice the shame, saying things that we'd rarely find ourselves saying to another.

Self compassion calls for forgiveness.

29/06/2020

Setting boundaries for many of us is not easy. But setting boundaries allows us to do right by us. It is only then that we can be there for others in our fullest capacity.
So allow yourself to say no when you need to.

28/06/2020

A new week is about to start. And I thought why not begin by a new series of posts?
We are often so hard on ourselves. Self work starts with self compassion. Giving ourselves the permission to grow, heal and change is the first step in that direction.

So what are some things that we can begin to give ourselves permission for?

The first is failing. How many of us hold back from doing what we love, or speaking our truth because we are petrified of "getting it wrong", "looking stupid/uninformed", etc?

Well today start by allowing yourself to make mistakes. Only when we are ready to fail to we realize that we have the courage to stand up and try again.
So be more compassionate with yourself and allow failure even as you refuse to let it define you.

23/06/2020

As someone who always struggled in school, I have grown to be fascinated with how people learn what they do. Not every method works for everyone. Pausing to reflect on how our mind works can make all the difference in our efforts to reach our goals.

Studies reveal the impact of strategic thinking on studying and other areas of life.

11/05/2020

"what's wrong with me?" Is a the experience and habit of self shing reduced to a statement.

How often do we use these words when we go off our diet, watch too much tv, skip exercising, miss a deadline, get into a fight with our partner?

Instead if we were to reflect on the coping skills we need to cultivate, the trauma that is left unaddressed, the unmet needs that need to be acknowledged and the destructive belief systems that drive us, we would then find ourselves better able to deal break through our shame cycles and reach our goals.

Reach your goals with self compassion instead of self shaming!

It’s all information and unmet needs.
“What is wrong with me?” That’s the typical way in which we shame ourselves. There must be something wrong, something broken, something about me. At no point do we consider the environment, the context, our experiences, the coping skills that were not provided from our caretakers, the trauma stored in our bodies...the needs that we have been neglecting.
All behaviors make sense in context. It doesn’t make them ok, but they all serve a purpose, to meet a need that our mind and body have deemed important.
So, before we start on the shame spiral...can we pause and ask ourselves: what information is this providing about my unmet needs? Can I give myself permission to acknowledge and validate these needs? How can I meet these needs without adding to the mind/body load? OR how can I consciously soothe at this moment if I am not able?
Currently on the last season of Lost! That means when it is all over, I will have watched 100+hours of television. My first thought: “What is wrong with me? Why am I being so unproductive? Look at all the time I wasted!” My second though: “My behavior is information. I need to feel safe. I am seeking comfort by shutting off and soothing my anxiety. I will also go for a walk and get some fresh air.”
What are some of the critical and judgmental thoughts you’ve had during this time?

04/05/2020

We all make mistakes. Many that we aren't proud of.
What do we say to ourselves then?
Do we take care of ourselves with criticism? Or compassion?