07/04/2026
Latest Update to the Adjustment Guidance Blog:
When we are quick to anger, have anger that is greater than the circumstance calls for, or have difficulty letting anger go, we need to improve our anger management. This type of anger can feel out of control and like it may never end. When anger becomes “locked on,” the best response is to become inquisitive. Before we can become inquisitive, we need to create a safe emotional space for the exploration of our anger. Anger often demands to be expressed, and there are safe ways to do so. Finding a private space to vocalize or yell helps get the anger out of our bodies and into the world. Sometimes doing physical activity such as shadow boxing, pushing against a wall, or running can also help to get it out of our body. When anger is not expressed or expelled, it tends to feed itself by circling in our brain and making it impossible to calm down. Getting the anger out of our body and into the world is the first step in being able to self-regulate and de-escalate. Finding what works for you is a matter of trial and error. Once the anger is out of our body and in the world, we can begin to focus on what we are really angry about.
To excavate what is driving the anger, we can ask ourselves what is the trigger. Anger triggers come in a variety of shapes, but the most common are feeling disrespected or trapped. A few other common drivers of anger are inequity or unfair treatment and feeling impeded or interfered with along with feeling like there are issues left unresolved. Understanding which of these is happening allows us to make a plan to address the core trigger, but before we can do that we need to express how we feel uncensored. We can say how we feel out loud, to a friend, or wrote it down. The important thing is that we do not censor our expression or language. This uncensored expression will help us uncover what the fuel for our anger is. Are we unable to let go of the anger because we feel the affront will happen again or that we are co-signing the dynamic if we let our anger go? Do we feel like we are going to lose something or that someone will get away with bad behavior? Knowing what our anger is preventing allows us to make a plan to address it. We can switch from anger to problem solving. We can develop a way to hold others accountable that do not cause harm. We can also look for loopholes in systems that are unjust.
It is important, when we are developing our plan, that our solution is not delivered in an angry way. We can further our ability to problem solve by also exploring what emotions come up as the anger fades. Does letting go of the anger feel unsafe because of the underlying emotion, such as fear, panic, dependence, or uncertainty? Is there the feeling that, if you are not angry, patterns or behaviors that are unacceptable will happen again? Does letting go of the anger feel like losing? This type of excavation can reveal the fuel and allow us to move away from rumination and hyper focus on anger. Understanding what’s at risk if the anger goes away provides the space for creating safety. Knowing what staying angry holds in place and protects you from unlocks the ability to move beyond anger and into problem solving. Being angry feels awful and rarely, on its own, improves situations. Sometimes, even the smallest of actions can move us out of anger and into a calmer, safer mindset. Examining the anger proves that we are not stuck and that we can regain control. It takes time and practice for us to learn how to manage our anger, but it is worth effort.
